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Know Your Enemy: SARS

Know your enemy: Tuesday, May 13th, 2003

Is it a cold? Is it the ‘flu? No, it’s an atypical pneumonia of unknown aetiology and it’s here to kill us all.

SARS was first recognized at the end of February 2003 and has fast become the word on everyone’s lips and the disease in 7296 people’s lungs. While its origin is unknown, top rumourmongers and armchair pundits have squarely cast the blame on Osama bin Laden having sex with turkeys. Specialists in the poultry-poking field have decried this as nonsense: the virus clearly occurred through sex with chickens. Ronald McNugget, from chicken ‘fanciers’, “Jail Baste” magazine claims the Osama bin Laden link came in at a later stage.

“Osama spotted the potential in this thing early. If our sources are correct, he’s trying to develop the optimum strain to terrorismise the world. He has built up a fantastic collection of chickens, Dorkings, Orpingtons, Redcaps and he’s forcing members of Al Qaida to ruffle some feathers in the name of scientific research. Some of our subscribers are thinking of signing up but they’re unsure whether you can get KFC in Afghanistan.”

As you can see, the amount of SARS-related hysteria has been steadily growing since the beginning of March. The dip around 22 April 2003 can be attributed to the fact that David Beckham was showing off his new haircut and therefore monopolized the media for several days. John Simpson described it as \"breathtaking\".

Defection might not be necessary for some of “Jail Baste”‘s readers because, not to be outdone by bin Laden’s tentacle of terror, the Pentagon has revealed the US has launched a similar set of experiments. “We’re not going to be beat by that brain nappy wearing, son of a gun,” said Pentagon spokesman, Col. Harland Sanders. “We’re going all out to whip up some omelettes with extra egg whites and show that pussy who’s boss”. Col. Sanders went on to clarify that the US trials will involve a range of poultry rather than just chickens and that bin Laden was ‘lily-livered pustule on the ass of humanity’ and his ‘momma must of spat you out like you were a turd into a jar’.

British sources are remaining tightlipped as to whether similar studies will be carried out here but it has been reported that Jack Straw has been seen courting a mallard in a chic Knightsbridge restaurant.

While the high and mighty are busy plotting, the poor and phlegmy are busy dying – or at least about 500 people (out of a population of roughly 6,300,000,000) are anyway. Based on these odds, you are far more likely to die from the following than from SARS:

  • laughing at a current British sitcom;
  • being pecked to death by Big Bird on a episode of Sesame Street (“today’s show is brought to you by the letters ‘MDK’”);
  • fecal compaction leading to septicaemia after the anal insertion of a seagull;
  • that paper cut on your finger turning gangrenous and the infection spreading to your cranial cavity;
  • brains being eaten by a raging undead son of God.

Not to be confused with: the South African Revenue Service, SARS investment banking, Qatar (and other lung infections).

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One Response to “Know Your Enemy: SARS”

  1. JFM Sars Says:

    Hay, sorry to say I don’t like the way you us Jesus Christ and me. It is funny thoug. I am not angry. I got used to that in this “modern times’. Good luck anyway

    JFM Sars Angel of Revenge

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