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Flying Blind

News in Brief: Monday, April 14th, 2003

The British government has come under fire for trialling a new military equal opportunities programme during the war with Iraq. In response to the RNIB’s recent statement that unemployment rates for visually impaired people are 2.5 times the national average, Geoffrey Hoon personally hired several sightless sky-captains to pilot helicopters around the combat zone.

To date, there have been no official reports on the success of this programme but independent spectators are reported as saying that “it perhaps wasn’t the wisest thing to do. That young Hoon must be blind or stupid to not realise he was asking for trouble with this kind of venture.” To offer full accessibility in compliance with the Disability Discrimation Act 1995, the government has also initiated sister schemes to this programme, namely ‘Retards into Parliament’ and the currently Kuwait-based ‘Special (Needs) Forces’.

Letters to the Editor 1

Administrivia: Sunday, April 13th, 2003

Sir,
Due to your persistent coverage of certain foreign events, I feel that your publication is neglecting it’s interests on the home front. I have been trying to report the theft of various items from my shed to the cost of $14bn USD (3.8% GDP). Among the stolen items were a rake, an AM/FM radio, miscellaneous parts for a 1980s model nuclear reactor, 819 liquid fueled short range ballistic missiles, 15,000 litres of VX nerve gas and an unopened 1 litre tin of creosote.
Yours most upsettedly,
Mr. B. Braithwaite,
Kirkby Grinluppenbyshire.

Sir,
Since this is the first issue of New World Odour, I have very little to say about the last issue other than mentioning the fact there wasn’t one.
Yours,
James James Jameson

Sir,
I am shocked and in awe of the bombardment of my country.
Yours shocked and in awe,
Johnny Arab.

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

News: Sunday, April 13th, 2003

Fallout Shelter SignFact: Unsurvivable “nuclear winter” is a discredited theory that .. has been used to frighten additional millions into believing that trying to survive a nuclear war is a waste of effort and resources, and that only by ridding the world of almost all nuclear weapons do we have a chance of surviving.” Or, in other words, “only commie pansies want to ban nuk’u'lar weapons. Grow up and take it like a man. A man bunkered down under 4 foot of concrete but a man all the same.”

Top Five Ways to Identify a Nuclear Attack is Taking Place

  1. bright light
  2. heat
  3. loud bang
  4. vaporisation of dining companions
  5. your silhouette etched permanently into nearby igneous rock


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Show me the Self Propelled Guided Missiles

News in Brief: Saturday, April 12th, 2003

Today in a press briefing given in Doha, Qataar USAF Gen. Casey Chipowski announced that a new type of precision guided munition had been used for the first time overnight in the bombing of Baghdad. The TIT-42 Tomahawk Cruise missiles are able to deliver a Cocktail of chemical and explosive munitions capable of bringing Days of Thunder like a Fourth of July fireworks display. No Vanilla Sky. We can bomb those Iraqis back to the future the general confirmed.

The weapon can be instrumental in supporting special forces in the Risky Business of their Mission Impossible. It features a new super-intelligent targeting system which makes it so easy to use that a Few Good Men can use it effectively with their Eyes Wide Shut. Wing Commander Jerry Maguire is quoted as saying “this weapon is not without its problems. It has such a short range that we must fire it from our Top Gun if we wish it to hit Far and Away. Of our men, a Minority Report that from that far up you can really feel it rain, man.”

Know Your Enemy: Grapes

Know your enemy: Friday, April 11th, 2003

Ronald Reagan, part human, part grape, bit actor.They’re small. Theyre inoffensive to the eye. Their juice is one of the main ingredients in Vimto. But you hear me now, theyre evil. Pure EVIL. Not bin Laden evil, or even Dubya evil, but naked-Toyah-Willcox-bent-over-with-a-banana evil.

Grapes are one of the top causes of slipping accidents in supermarkets. This is a FACT: old people (and people whove seen those “have you had an accident in the past three years” adverts one to many times) have a penchant for slipping on them. This is not because grapes are small, liable to roll or slippery when squished but because they are psychotic sibilitic assassins hellbent on seizing society’s sibilance. They will kill us all one day, you mark my words.

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Catherine Zeta Moans

News in Brief: Friday, April 11th, 2003

Catherine Zeta Jones is threatening litigation against the tabloid press and ‘Hello’ magazine for a recent lack of coverage. Star of “Romancing the Stone” and “War of the Roses”, Jones is reported as saying “I’m far too interesting to be ignored, you ignorant English wankers. I was in ‘Darling Buds of May’ for Christ’s sake, boyo. Look at me! Look at meeee!” Jones’ husband, actor Kirk Douglas (‘Escape from New York’), attempted to add weight to his wife’s case with the statement: “I get to bone her. Cool.”

Godzilla vs. Code Red

News: Thursday, April 10th, 2003

Godzilla, chillin.With a number of Internet worms causing problems again over the last few months we’re “re-printing” this old article poking fun at the panic stricken Internet security community. Originally published Autumn 2001.

Last month saw the Internet infrastructure threatened by the 5th horse-person of the apocalypse; the 22nd plague; a creeping death; the seventh seal of computer virii; the true Armageddon. Your first born are not safe. Last month saw the Code Red worm.

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Baby Universe Photos

News in Brief: Wednesday, April 9th, 2003

Nasa has released what it says is the most vivid photograph of the infant universe ever taken. The universe hopes they don’t release the ones “where I’ve got my todger out at bath time or the one from my first birthday party when there is crap running out of the side of my nappy. They’re just so embarrassing, dude.”

Security Pundit Trapped

News in Brief: Tuesday, April 8th, 2003

CNN military pundit Chip Chukowski was discovered trapped today in his armchair. Police spokesperson Burger McPepsi said “Mr Chukowski had become the victim of catastrophic armchair failure”.

Witnesses say he was “right in the middle of a lofty sounding quote from Jane’s Defence when BAM! The armchair just swallowed him right up.” Shock and awe spread quickly throughout the Armchair Generals Guild, who declined to comment for a change.

Open Letter to “President” Bush

News: Tuesday, April 8th, 2003

The Commander in Chef, George UU. BushDear “President” Bush.

we are writing to you in the hope that you can read. If not, we trust someone will read it aloud for you. Hi Tony.

We are avid watchers of the television (which we am sure you will appreciate) and we could not help noticing the unpleasant situation in which the international community now finds itself. May we be so bold as to propose a radical new solution. Don’t be afraid, it isn’t communism, it’s something even better.

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Weapons of Mass-turbation

News in Brief: Tuesday, April 8th, 2003

Uday Hussein waving

During their recent searches in Iraq, UN inspectors found a stash of weapons of masturbation in Uday Hussein (pictured)’s bedroom. Upon being confronted with his collection of ‘Nasty Hijabis’, ‘Razzle’ and ‘Big Titted American Women Suck Arab Cock’, Uday is reported as saying “no, Dad, I was looking after them for a friend. Errrm, Iran. Yes, my friend Iran“.


Actress Dame Thora Hird Dies

News in Brief: Monday, April 7th, 2003

The ancient Last of the Summer wine actress died this month, in a freak stair-lift accident. “She was just doing a test run for a new TV advert and then bang! It went out of control!” said her agent Felix de Wolfe. “It fired her up into the air like a cabbage out of a tractor exhaust pipe. We’re still scraping bits of her off the ceiling. Still, she would have wanted it that way“.

Arms Inspectors Find Only Legs

News in Brief: Sunday, April 6th, 2003

A large number of lower body parts left over from Gulf war have been discovered in Iraq. Chief weapons inspector Hans Blix estimates that the disembodied legs of over 30 dead soldiers stacked up on top of each other would reach almost 60 feet.

Nike Sponsor War on Iraq

News in Brief: Saturday, April 5th, 2003

The world leader in sportswear today announced sponsorship of another world leader, George W. Bush. In a first of its kind deal, Nike are to provide US soldiers with Nike brand trainers modified to offer protection against sand, oil and bio-chemical warfare related slippery surfaces. Chuck Chuckinski, a US army marketing consultant, told us “Nike know their products are going to be seen on every news channel around the world. This is valuable product placement which will shock and awe the consumer.”

McDonalds have indicated they may follow suit by offering ‘freeze-dried’ McRations, for the troops. “We’ve been working on these since the Apollo space mission” commented Ronald McDonald. “We’ve still not overcome the problem that removing all the water from our food considerably decreases it’s nutritional value.”


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