new world odour logo on a mission from Zombie Jesus

War XP: Who Do You Want to Kill Today?

News: Sunday, May 18th, 2003

An exclusive screenshot of WarXP in actionThe long-anticipated War planning software, which Microsoft says will revolutionize the invasion process, is now available to governments world wide. “This is the Modern Art of War,” said Gates. “With War XP you’ll fare better at warfare.”

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Iraqi Prankster Causes “Navigational Mishap”

News in Brief: Saturday, May 17th, 2003

Iraqi prankster, Khalid Al-Beadle, caused a “navigational mishap” in West Baghdad during the recent “liberation”. Al-Beadle’s favourite joke, changing the direction of roadsigns, confused coalition troops who were attempting to embed themselves in the pockets of resistance around Baghdad. “We had got as far as Poland before any of the guys realised what had happened,” admitted Marine Commander Frank McYoyo of the 1st Walking-the-Dog division, “we were a little upset so shot some of those commie bastards before about-turning so it didn’t just look like we’d done it by mistake.” Senior officials at US Central Command denied any official invasion of the Baltic state since “every idiot knows you go for Austria first”.

Galloway Galls Government

News in Brief: Thursday, May 15th, 2003

Glasgow MP George Galloway has been given the let-go by the gossiping groupees of the general governing group. He has been suspended from the national, socialist Labour party in the UK pending “internal party investigations”.

George, known to his friends as George, is accused of “bringing the Labour party into disrepute” at the centre of claims he was in the pay of Saddam Hussein. Hussein was known to have many body doubles and it has been suggested that he liked to use George for that after-dinner, string-vested, Special Brew-in-hand, pissing-in-a-bus-stop look.

Supreme Being vs. Supreme Court

News in Brief: Wednesday, May 14th, 2003

After more than ten years of work the human genome project has finally managed to sequence the human genome in its entirety. DNA, the building blocks of the code for life, carries data determining how human beings are constructed, much like a microwave oven. The project however has not been without controversy. God, the omniscient creator of the universe, has filed a law suit against National (US) Human Genome Research Institute, the company responsible for the bulk of the work. God claims that the researchers have reverse engineered a proprietary copy control mechanism and have breached the DMCA.

“This sequence allows pirates to copy human beings and sell them on the black market, erm, funding terrorism, yeah, that’s the ticket,” God claims. The Deity Industry Artists Association (DIAA) figures suggest that up to $3Bn dollars are lost each year due to unauthorized copying of humans. The Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF) suggest that even without the human genome it is still possible to create cloned human beings, they suggest that DNA is nothing more than a technique for maximizing profit at the expense of the consumer.

Know Your Enemy: SARS

Know your enemy: Tuesday, May 13th, 2003

Is it a cold? Is it the ‘flu? No, it’s an atypical pneumonia of unknown aetiology and it’s here to kill us all.

SARS was first recognized at the end of February 2003 and has fast become the word on everyone’s lips and the disease in 7296 people’s lungs. While its origin is unknown, top rumourmongers and armchair pundits have squarely cast the blame on Osama bin Laden having sex with turkeys. Specialists in the poultry-poking field have decried this as nonsense: the virus clearly occurred through sex with chickens. Ronald McNugget, from chicken ‘fanciers’, “Jail Baste” magazine claims the Osama bin Laden link came in at a later stage.

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Trumping with Trumps

News in Brief: Monday, May 12th, 2003

top trump cardNot to be out done by the Iraqi ‘most wanted’ pack of cards issued by the US military, Scotland yard has released its new ‘most wanted’ list on Top Trump cards (example below). “The ten cards are both educational and fun,” said Inspector Robert Bobby, “my son just loves them. He can’t wait to see who is wanted next. He’s got his fingers crossed for another Fred West. Bless him.”

Sweet Zombie Jesus: Top 5 ways to kill a raging undead son of God

Know your enemy: Sunday, May 11th, 2003

Artist\'s impression of how scary Jesus might look if he came back to life to find chocolate companies getting fat-rich from EasterThis month saw the 1967thish anniversary of Jesus rising from the dead. Christians see this as a wonderful event in the holy calendar. Anyone that has seen a zombie film though, knows it is a time to RUN FOR YOUR LIFE (or at least walk slightly faster than the standard zombie drag).

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Apple announce new iRaq

News in Brief: Saturday, May 10th, 2003

Apple this month introduced the new DU iRaq. All DU iRaqs are constructed of high density depleted Uranium alloy, providing protection against incoming fire. The new DU structure is 40% more radioactive than the ‘PowerRaq’ natural Uranium design, demonstrating that Apple have responded to the customer feedback about slow uptake of genital deformities with the older model. “Battlefield computer storage just got better” said Steve Jobs, Apple CEO. “We expect to be shipping large numbers of these iRaqs over to our boys fighting Saddam, in that Arab country I forget the name of right now.”

USA to Liberate Heaven

News in Brief: Friday, May 9th, 2003

The Bush administration this month announced plans to liberate heaven. “The tyranny must come to an end” said George W. Bush in a surprisingly well structured sentence. The Whitehouse suggests that Heaven “shelters terrorists” as “many believe suicide bombers and even Al Qaeda terrorists have been granted a place in Heaven for all eternity.” Heaven is further accused of “not returning prisoners”. “Thousands of our soldiers have died and gone to Heaven during various wars” said US General Thomas ‘Tommyknocker’ Franks. “Heaven has ignored all U.N Security Council demands to return our men, and some of the women. With the fact that weapons inspectors have never been granted access to Heaven under the ‘God’ regime, we have almost all the information we need to invade.” Commander Franks declined to comment further until the results of Heaven’s ‘oil mass balance’ tests are announced.

The Real Heroes: High-Tech Weaponry

News: Thursday, May 8th, 2003

Now that the war in Iraq is officially over and we can forget about Iraqi people, it is time to focus on the unsung heroes of this war, the high-tech weaponry and systems which allow the USA to defend all of our freedoms from rogue third world countries. I’ll spell potato any goddamn way I like!

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Net Closing on Saddam

News in Brief: Wednesday, May 7th, 2003

Recent sightings of Saddam Hussein have strengthened the theory that the former Iraqi dictator is being secretly harbored by a friendly state. The sightings have been clustered around the area of Detroit, USA. Saddam, who won the key to Detroit city in 1980, has traditionally had strong grassroots support in the area, especially from the Christian community.

Saddam has been a long time supporter of Christians in the area, contributing hundreds of thousands of dollars in charitable donations. Randy McChipski a resident from downtown Detroit was awake preparing a late night snack when Saddam appeared. “At first I heard a fumbling and scratching around the door,” he explained. “I could just make out the figure through the door, the mustache, the beret, it was definitely him.”.

When Saddam finally found his key and opened the door, Mr McChipski reprimanded him for being out so late, and probed as to why he smelt of VX nerve gas. Saddam reportedly explained quite somberly that he wasn’t using the nerve gas, but some of his friends were which is why he smelt of it. He was only drinking coke and he didn’t like the taste of nerve gas anyway especially as it makes him cough.

The CIA have made no statement on the sightings as of yet.

Esso Forecourt Under Occupation

News in Brief: Tuesday, May 6th, 2003

Swiss military forces acting under command from Vaduz (Lichtenstein) today took control of an Esso forecourt in the town of Malbun (also in Lichtenstein). The chief of state Hans Addams says that “This projection of power is to show the world that we are not a small country and that we are capable of invading U.S. soil, we can take control of any oil we like, furthermore Richard Pearle is a, how you say, bad-smelling dogs penis.” It is believed that the military action is a result of statements made by Pearle (Pentagon hawk and fraudster) suggesting in a flippant tone that perhaps Lichtenstein should the worlds preeminent “keeper of peace”. Lichtenstein has also removed its ambassador and UN representative Claudia Fritsche from the USA.

Inform, educate and entertain

News in Brief: Monday, May 5th, 2003

The first television channel dedicated to reality TV is to be launched in America in January 2004, it was announced this week. Reality Central will broadcast classic re-runs of American shows (like the time that person on ‘Survivor’ got naked), imported international programmes (like the time that person on Dutch ‘Survivor’ got naked), and Where Are They Now? features devoted to the lives of former contestants (who may, or may not, be naked).

The channel will also contain original programming: namely in-coffin cameras showing BBC founder Lord Reith and John Logie Baird turning in their graves. Viewers can vote, using their interactive handsets, as to which of the corpse gets to leave their last resting place and become the final contestant on this year’s “I’m a dead figure from history, get me out of here!” (currently showing on Sky One).

Roadmap to the Axis of Peace

News: Sunday, May 4th, 2003

Middle East A-Z mapPolitical leaders across the Middle East are considering their responses to the long-delayed presentation of the so-called “roadmap” to peace in the region.

Understanding that some people in position of power have learning difficulties and/or are stupid, NWO has drawn up its own peace atlas to the region in these terrifically turbulent but terribly terrific times.

Country by country, this helpful dossier combines useful information, helpful travel advice and the great American plan for its future. Tony Blair has also made his own contribution by providing a ‘Do they have WMD?’ rating. He has promised, crossed his heart and hoped to die (or at least ‘sticked’ his finger is his eye), to resign if he is wrong on any of his comments.

The information can be transferred onto flash cards or cut-and-paste into a “Learn with Barney” program to help intellectually-challenged commanders in chief pick up the valuable material herewith.

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Powell Movement

News in Brief: Saturday, May 3rd, 2003

Colon Bowel today warned of ‘consequences’ if the democrats fail to pull their weight in bringing peace to the world. The warning came amid the latest round of allegations that the democrats were developing chemical weapons, sponsoring terrorism and harbouring members of Saddam Hussein’s former regime.

Bowel said the US congress already has legislation in place which could lead to severe sibilant sanctions against the democrat party. “We believe that punitive sanctions against the dems. are long overdue” said a democrat spokesman. When pressed “are you sure, you do realise that that’s you, right?”, he responded “yeah, we’re with the republicans all the way on this one”.

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