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UK Terror Threat

News in Brief: Tuesday, May 25th, 2004

Police have been given more time to question several men held over an alleged bomb plot. The men were arrested this week in raids across south-east England, with detectives also seizing half a ton of fertiliser often used as an explosive.

The group of men is believed to be working for infamous south-east fertiliser buyer Giles T. Farmer. In a press conference about the case, a Scotland Yard spokesman said “a close h’examination of Farmer’s accounts reveals this gentleman has purchased several tons of fertiliser over the last few years. ‘E has also purchased large quantities of seeds, corn and a particular type of dairy cow known in the trade as an ‘olstein. We believe this gentleman may be planning to produce terrorist weapons known colloquially as a ‘dirty cow’: ‘e will stuff the cow full of these fertilisers and projectiles and will release it in a crowded metropolitan area. Cor blimey, it could be ghastly.”

Expensive House

News in Brief: Monday, May 24th, 2004

The multi-billionaire steel magnate, Lakshmi Mittal, is to pay 70m pounds for his new home in London making it the most expensive house in the world. The property, a two bedroom flat in East Acton, has been on the market for a little over two months before Mittal put in an offer. Features and fittings of the dwelling include a recently fitted B&Q kitchen, stylish laminate flooring in the living room and a leaky Mira shower.

The house was sold by Formula One racing boss Bernie Eccleston, who bought it for 140,000 pounds three years ago but never lived in it.

Local man Garry falls from wall

News in Brief: Sunday, May 23rd, 2004

There was much panic in Gipton recently after local man Garry fell from a low wall near a Post Office. New World Odour is happy to reveal Garry is doing well. “Things got scary there for a minute, but I was able to take the plaster off my knee this morning and I’m hopeful I can make a full recovery in the next few days,” he said. Good for you Garry.

Know your enemy: Osmond bin Laden

Know your enemy: Saturday, May 22nd, 2004

osmond bin ladenIn the 7 years since the September 2001 terrorist attack, the mass of evidence that has been collected stands taller than the aftermath rubble.

The FBI alone has received more leads than there are grains of sand in an Arab’s flip-flop. An estimated 85000 Middle Eastern and Muslim immigrant men were examined, 14000 deported, 8000 selected for questioning, 3700 questioned, almost 800 detained of which 68 still remain in custody. Only a handful were charged and only one convicted.

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Deaths this month

News: Thursday, May 20th, 2004

blue peter photoRecent summer-like weather in the north of England can be attributed to Jesus’ new sunbeam collection.

Farm-buyers this month include the Guinness Book of Norris McWhirter, the CEO of McDonalds and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Caron Keating

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Idol Idol

News in Brief: Wednesday, May 19th, 2004

Hot on the heels of “Pop Idol” (talentless pretty people singing), “Yacht Idol” (talentless pretty people sailing) and “Poll Idol” (talentless pretty people governing), ITV has recently launched the ultimate “…Idol” show: “Idol Idol”.

In “Idol Idol”, religious deities and icons from around the globe compete to discover who really is The One. Early rounds have been tough and seen the elimination of the Hindu god Ganesh, dismissed by judge Pete Waterman because “trunks haven’t been in fashion since the 1960s and don’t get me started on all the arms – Ganesh is just a rubbish idol”.

God (3-1) and Allah (4-1) are favourites to win. The final will be decided in a phone vote but divine intervention is expected. It is suspected that adjudicators Ant and Dec will be “persuaded” to turn a blind eye to this out-and-out cheating through the promise of water into wine, ascendance of the Jiva to the Divine and 72 beautiful virgins awaiting them in the Green Room.

How Princess Di-ed

News in Brief: Monday, May 17th, 2004

In the wake of the broadcast of photographs of the crash, a startling new theory has come to light regarding the death of Diana, Princess of Wales. Sir John Stevens, the UK’s most serious policeman as the chief of Scotland Yard, travelled to France to re-enact the final, fatal journey taken by Diana and her love-stud, Dodi Al Fayed.

“Over the past seven years, we’ve looked at all the evidence and closely examined the report produced by French judge Herve Stephan. It’s now clear to me what actually happened,” said Stevens from his palatial Berkshire mansion recently. “All of the discussions to date have missed some terribly vital clues. Firstly, looking around the tunnel reveals a small grassy knoll just south-east of the crash site. I believe that this is key to the renewed investigation as new computer modelling has shown clearly that there had to be more than one source of impact.”

“Photos from the original scene reveal two gentlemen holding hands on this grassy knoll. These gentlemen have been positively identified as Osama bin Laden and Saddamn Hussein. Looking at the car again we discovered that the windscreen appears to have been broken before the crash by something WMD-shaped. Despite the size of it, it’s likely that Henri Paul, an experienced driver, would have been able to avoid this. We looked again at his autopsy report and it revealed that not only was he was intoxicated and suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning, he was, in fact, the musician Elvis Presley. Also, I can categorically state that consipiracy theories circulating about a dog in a white Fiat or the alien spacecraft in the tunnel are completely untrue. We interviewed the dog and the alien and they both were deemed to be driving responsibly at the time of the crash.”

Beckham sex, not with wife

News in Brief: Thursday, May 13th, 2004

photo of david beckham anally fucking himselfThe tragically underexposed Beckham(tm) Couple have been having a spot of marital bother recently after David(tm) admitted he regularly engages in group sex romps with himself. “I’m okay unless I get near any reflective surfaces. I mean look at me, you wouldn’t say no would you?” NWO suspects he said. The news came at a convenient time for the couple whose fortunes dwindle for every day they’re not front page tabloid news. “I’m comfortable with the situation,” says Victoria, “after all, not every girl is lucky enough to be married to a man who can lick his own balls.”,


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