Hospitals in Leicester UK are considering removing bedside Bibles due to recent suggestions that they spread disease. “Our own trials have confirmed these suggestions” said Hospital director Dr. Blackbile. “The trials clearly show that Bibles spread disease, specifically the super bug Christianity.”

The Christianity disease is unique in that it spreads through not only human contact but through most forms of human communication including, as in this case, the written word. Christianity uses the promise of infinite love and happiness to lure victims, who are very quickly overcome with “faith” and soon succumb to prayer.

But Brian Leaklittle, executive director of Gideons International headquarters, situated at the centre of the earth in a reality-proof bunker said: “They are saying that Christianity can cause death, and we say that is nonsense. I know of no Christian who died due to his involvement in Christianity. Well, except for that Jesus bloke.”

A recent British Medical Journal article made recommendations to help slow the spread of Christianity. “Firstly, flourinate the water supply. Secondly, biometric ID cards. Thirdly, invade Syria.”. A brittle-boned BMJ spokesperson explained the work behind the study. “We did some statistical analysis. Lots of numbers; lots of them. We used lots of averaging.”

Health professionals this week called on government and parliament to pass legislation to protect people from the dangers of the music industry.

“The music business is dangerous and if the current use trend continues it is estimated that by 2010, thousands of young professional musicians will die from celebrity-related diseases, such as drug abuse and depression.” said spokesperson Dr. Thompson.

“This industry takes enthusiastic, talented people and exploits them, endangering their health. And in another case they exploited Brian Harvey, of East 17.”