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Tony Blair: Guantanamo Media Anomaly

News in Brief: Friday, February 24th, 2006
Tony Blair, War Criminal, Guantanamo Bay
Tony Blair, War Criminal

At a Downing Street press conference yesterday, the Prime Minister explained his party’s stance on the US prison camps in Cuba. “I have said all I want to say on Guantanamo,” he said. “I have said it is an anomaly. I have said it should end sooner rather than later.”

Mr. Blair elaborated on his definition of anomaly: “Both my own government and the Bush administration have taken steps to infringe on the human rights of millions of people at home and abroad. We routinely torture and murder, and support regimes that torture and murder, all in the name of ‘national security’. In the name of ‘anti-terrorism’. To protect our corporation’s profit margins. To keep your cars running. The anomaly with Guantanamo bay is that it’s being reported in the mainstream media, and this should end sooner rather than later.”

“The status-quo is not to be challenged like this,” he added.

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Shop regrets harassing paying customer

News: Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
Kay Partcunt, hood wearer
Kay Partcnut, educator, hood wearer
and pint sized assassin of Venice

A 58-year old school teacher has made the news after being forced to obey an arbitrary rule designed to ostracise and penalise a specific, largely defenseless, group of society.

Kay Partcnut was challenged by a security guard over her decision to wear a hooded top while shopping at her local supermarket.

“I told him ‘no, my hair’s a mess’. But I did oblige because rules are there for a reason and should be obeyed no matter what,” she said after she had recovered from the horrific, newsworthy, agenda-promoting incident.

“I couldn’t believe he was talking to me though. I’m supposed to look like a nasty thug? Thugs are not white, middle-aged or female; it says so in the Daily Mail.”

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Cheney denies responsibility

News: Monday, February 20th, 2006
Little Dick Cheney
Little Dick Cheney

Last week, the New York Times, swiftly followed by other news outlets reported that US Vice President Dick Cheney “Takes Full Responsibility” for accidentally shooting fellow hunter Harry Whittington. This martyraic statement allegedly came from a Fox News interview with Cheney by top Fox dog Brit Hume.

While the news conglomerates kept using the phrase “full responsibility” the transcript of the interview shows that Dick never used any form of the word “responsibility.” Further investigations shows Cheney also didn’t use the words “Takes”or “Full”. And in fact, has no capacity for responsibility of any kind, positive or negative.

Bayesian statistical analysis of the interview found that the vice president didn’t actually discuss the shooting at all. He didn’t even mention hunting, of quails or otherwise. In fact, during a short phone call with a member of the FoxNews team he revealed that Dick Cheney only agreed to the interview on the condition that he didn’t need to speak at all.

A later phone call with Brit Hume himself confirmed that not only did Fox News never actually interview Dick Cheney, there is no Dick Cheney. The post of “US Vice President” has historically only been symbolic.

Asked about the non-existence of Mr. Cheney, President George W. Bush said “no comment”.

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Dick Cheney Directly Harms Human

News: Monday, February 13th, 2006
Dick Cheney, Gun finger
Dick Cheney, gun man

US Vice President Dick Cheney broke convention this weekend and actually directly harmed another human being. Dick was hunting for quail on a Texas ranch yesterday where he accidentally shot and wounded a companion. “I was utterly shocked” said Katharine Armstrong, the ranch’s owner. “Seeing Dick Cheney causing pain and suffering to a fellow sentient being was something I just wasn’t prepared for.”

Cheney, clearly not used to such hands-on experience with violence, was visibly moved by the incident: “All this red stuff flew out of holes in his face. It made a squelching sound. I got some on my hands. It was pretty awesome.”

As is well documented, Mr. Cheney is responsible for the pain, suffering and death of millions of people around the world who are the victims of US foreign policy. This is the first case of him actually being within 1000 miles of the event and it may well seem to be the first involving a wealthy, white, male victim.

Asked if he was worried about possible manslaughter charges if the victim should die, the Vice President roared with immense laughter for 15 minutes, pausing only to execute the questioning journalist.

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