President ‘Big Bad Bush’ (as buddies call him) appeared at a press conference recently to address the thorny issues of drug control with top officers in the DEA. Thrilling as it all was for the journalists in attendance, the highlight of their day was most definitely hearing Bush explain away his grazed cheek and slashed wrist. The President recounted tales of alcohol-fuelled physical courage, set in lonely drinking pits in the heartlands of ranch Texas. Journalists were amazed that the usually completely truthful President had the bare faced audacity to construct such apocrypha. It was clear to all that the real story behind the President’s injury had more to do with his recent mountain biking fad.
“The motherfucking topsoil was loose!” said Doctor Turvy McTash later recounting the incident for journalists at his palatial Florida mansion. “But the President didn’t hear me, he was already down by that point. He’d landed in a cactus, but he just picked himself right up and went about his day without issuing a single expletive. His calm Christ-like demeanour made us all feel better about the cunting topsoil that day.”