In the wake of the death of a youngster attributed to a lip piercing gone MAD, leading doctors have given warnings about other activities that young people are involved with which could lead to disease, death or even worse.
“Clinical statistics show that almost 100% of young people have breathed within an hour of their death,” said Dr Simon Reactionary, chief registrar of the Daily Express Hospital for white Christians and soft-porn stars, Battersea. “We are aware that a growing number of children and young people are becoming involved in this deviant practice of breathing and it can only lead to unnecessary injury and untimely deaths. The government has given us £17million to fund a five year research project to investigate this causality further – which shows they are taking the problem seriously – and we are hoping for laws to be introduced in the next few months to curtail the take up of this dangerous habit.”
Margaret Liamann, whose son Kyle died last year after 17 years of being addicted to breathing, is pleased that this study is being carried out. “I am pleased that this study is being carried out to prove, once and for all, that seemingly innocent things kids do for the sake of fashion or to “fit in” can have deadly consequences.”
“Before he started taking in oxygen, Kyle was a happy healthy boy but after he developed his habit, he became sullen and aggressive towards his father and me. He used to call us horrible names, saying we were stupid, gullible and always looking for scapegoats, but I know that was the breathing talking and not really what he felt inside.”
“I was heartbroken when he died, as any mother would be, and didn’t believe it when the doctors at the hospital told me Kyle had died from alcohol poisoning, after drinking two bottles of whiskey in less than an hour. Kyle’s father, George and myself enjoy the odd tipple of single malt from time to time so we knew that it couldn’t be something as delicious as that which had caused Kyle’s death.”
“I couldn’t let it rest and spoke to doctor after doctor, asking for autopsy after autopsy to take place, until Dr Reactionary mentioned that breathing could possibly be to blame. As soon as he said that, it was like a relief washed over my body – like Kyle had been released from the lies causing him torment and his soul was free to fly up to heaven – and I knew that it was the truth. I just hope this research can find some proof about this sick habit to force the liberal lawmakers to act and prevent other mothers being robbed of their children in this way.”