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Know your enemy: Osmond bin Laden

Know your enemy: Saturday, May 22nd, 2004

osmond bin ladenIn the 7 years since the September 2001 terrorist attack, the mass of evidence that has been collected stands taller than the aftermath rubble.

The FBI alone has received more leads than there are grains of sand in an Arab’s flip-flop. An estimated 85000 Middle Eastern and Muslim immigrant men were examined, 14000 deported, 8000 selected for questioning, 3700 questioned, almost 800 detained of which 68 still remain in custody. Only a handful were charged and only one convicted.

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Know Your Enemy: Christians

Know your enemy: Saturday, April 10th, 2004

Christianity has embraced black people since 1987Kumbyah my Lord, Kumbuy-a-cinema-ticket. Maverick movie maker Mel “Mad Max” Gibson’s new film “The Passion of the Christ” is currently courting controversy and carefully crafted column inches around the globe. The film seemingly provides What Women Want (and men too) from a cinematic story about He who died for our sins. However, Signs are that “Man Without a Face” Mel’s Bounty is not without its detractors. One Conspiracy Theory suggests the film is a Lethal Weapon against Jews and the Jewish faith. Bravehearted Christians, however, believe this is fair Payback for the sentencing and execution of their messiah, carried out 1968 years ago this month.

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Know Your Enemy: SARS

Know your enemy: Tuesday, May 13th, 2003

Is it a cold? Is it the ‘flu? No, it’s an atypical pneumonia of unknown aetiology and it’s here to kill us all.

SARS was first recognized at the end of February 2003 and has fast become the word on everyone’s lips and the disease in 7296 people’s lungs. While its origin is unknown, top rumourmongers and armchair pundits have squarely cast the blame on Osama bin Laden having sex with turkeys. Specialists in the poultry-poking field have decried this as nonsense: the virus clearly occurred through sex with chickens. Ronald McNugget, from chicken ‘fanciers’, “Jail Baste” magazine claims the Osama bin Laden link came in at a later stage.

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Sweet Zombie Jesus: Top 5 ways to kill a raging undead son of God

Know your enemy: Sunday, May 11th, 2003

Artist\'s impression of how scary Jesus might look if he came back to life to find chocolate companies getting fat-rich from EasterThis month saw the 1967thish anniversary of Jesus rising from the dead. Christians see this as a wonderful event in the holy calendar. Anyone that has seen a zombie film though, knows it is a time to RUN FOR YOUR LIFE (or at least walk slightly faster than the standard zombie drag).

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Know Your Enemy: Grapes

Know your enemy: Friday, April 11th, 2003

Ronald Reagan, part human, part grape, bit actor.They’re small. Theyre inoffensive to the eye. Their juice is one of the main ingredients in Vimto. But you hear me now, theyre evil. Pure EVIL. Not bin Laden evil, or even Dubya evil, but naked-Toyah-Willcox-bent-over-with-a-banana evil.

Grapes are one of the top causes of slipping accidents in supermarkets. This is a FACT: old people (and people whove seen those “have you had an accident in the past three years” adverts one to many times) have a penchant for slipping on them. This is not because grapes are small, liable to roll or slippery when squished but because they are psychotic sibilitic assassins hellbent on seizing society’s sibilance. They will kill us all one day, you mark my words.

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