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UK Students charged under terror act

News: Thursday, March 9th, 2006
Maps: Terrorist information
Maps: Terrorist information

Two teenage students have been charged in connection with an investigation into suspected terrorist activity abroad, police have said.

Irfan Raja, 18, from Ilford, Essex, was charged with making a record of information likely to be useful to a terrorist. Awaab Iqbal, 18, from Bradford, was charged with possessing information likely to be useful to a terrorist. They are both charged under section 58 of the Terrorism Act.

For security reasons, the highly not flawed Terrorism Act does not clearly define “information likely to be useful to a terrorist”. Sir Ian Blair, Britain’s most senior policeman (76 years old) issued a list of items to help the public turn in their friends and colleagues:

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Shop regrets harassing paying customer

News: Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
Kay Partcunt, hood wearer
Kay Partcnut, educator, hood wearer
and pint sized assassin of Venice

A 58-year old school teacher has made the news after being forced to obey an arbitrary rule designed to ostracise and penalise a specific, largely defenseless, group of society.

Kay Partcnut was challenged by a security guard over her decision to wear a hooded top while shopping at her local supermarket.

“I told him ‘no, my hair’s a mess’. But I did oblige because rules are there for a reason and should be obeyed no matter what,” she said after she had recovered from the horrific, newsworthy, agenda-promoting incident.

“I couldn’t believe he was talking to me though. I’m supposed to look like a nasty thug? Thugs are not white, middle-aged or female; it says so in the Daily Mail.”

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Cheney denies responsibility

News: Monday, February 20th, 2006
Little Dick Cheney
Little Dick Cheney

Last week, the New York Times, swiftly followed by other news outlets reported that US Vice President Dick Cheney “Takes Full Responsibility” for accidentally shooting fellow hunter Harry Whittington. This martyraic statement allegedly came from a Fox News interview with Cheney by top Fox dog Brit Hume.

While the news conglomerates kept using the phrase “full responsibility” the transcript of the interview shows that Dick never used any form of the word “responsibility.” Further investigations shows Cheney also didn’t use the words “Takes”or “Full”. And in fact, has no capacity for responsibility of any kind, positive or negative.

Bayesian statistical analysis of the interview found that the vice president didn’t actually discuss the shooting at all. He didn’t even mention hunting, of quails or otherwise. In fact, during a short phone call with a member of the FoxNews team he revealed that Dick Cheney only agreed to the interview on the condition that he didn’t need to speak at all.

A later phone call with Brit Hume himself confirmed that not only did Fox News never actually interview Dick Cheney, there is no Dick Cheney. The post of “US Vice President” has historically only been symbolic.

Asked about the non-existence of Mr. Cheney, President George W. Bush said “no comment”.

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Dick Cheney Directly Harms Human

News: Monday, February 13th, 2006
Dick Cheney, Gun finger
Dick Cheney, gun man

US Vice President Dick Cheney broke convention this weekend and actually directly harmed another human being. Dick was hunting for quail on a Texas ranch yesterday where he accidentally shot and wounded a companion. “I was utterly shocked” said Katharine Armstrong, the ranch’s owner. “Seeing Dick Cheney causing pain and suffering to a fellow sentient being was something I just wasn’t prepared for.”

Cheney, clearly not used to such hands-on experience with violence, was visibly moved by the incident: “All this red stuff flew out of holes in his face. It made a squelching sound. I got some on my hands. It was pretty awesome.”

As is well documented, Mr. Cheney is responsible for the pain, suffering and death of millions of people around the world who are the victims of US foreign policy. This is the first case of him actually being within 1000 miles of the event and it may well seem to be the first involving a wealthy, white, male victim.

Asked if he was worried about possible manslaughter charges if the victim should die, the Vice President roared with immense laughter for 15 minutes, pausing only to execute the questioning journalist.

Breathing danger: Young people at risk

News: Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
Group of kids, engaging in the dangerous practice of breathing
A breath dealer provides
their next fix

In the wake of the death of a youngster attributed to a lip piercing gone MAD, leading doctors have given warnings about other activities that young people are involved with which could lead to disease, death or even worse.

“Clinical statistics show that almost 100% of young people have breathed within an hour of their death,” said Dr Simon Reactionary, chief registrar of the Daily Express Hospital for white Christians and soft-porn stars, Battersea. “We are aware that a growing number of children and young people are becoming involved in this deviant practice of breathing and it can only lead to unnecessary injury and untimely deaths. The government has given us £17million to fund a five year research project to investigate this causality further – which shows they are taking the problem seriously – and we are hoping for laws to be introduced in the next few months to curtail the take up of this dangerous habit.”

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Rapist’s SICK benefits package

News: Sunday, August 7th, 2005

Sick rape fiend monsterRobert Excell, the UK-born convicted child rape fiend deported to Britain from Australia arrived at Heathrow last week amid controversy about his benefits package. It is said that the predatory young-boy molesting savage monster devil, who spent almost 148 years in total incarcerated down under, will cost the British tax payer over £100,000 a year EACH. Some of his benefits include:

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Muslims go home

News: Saturday, July 9th, 2005
Arab with Falcon
British Muslims urged to blend in

Muslims in the UK have been advised to stay indoors to avoid revenge attacks over the bombings in London today. Concerned about a possible backlash, the British Ministry of Islamic Human Rights has issued a list of recommendations for Muslims in Britain to follow:

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London bombs: Queen not dead

News: Thursday, July 7th, 2005

breaking news: queen is okThe news that the nation has been waiting to hear has finally been confirmed: frequent tube traveler Queen Elizabeth II has announced that she is alright. She then went on to stun reporters by claiming to be shocked by the events rather than express smugness or take responsibility herself for the explosions as had been predicted. … With at least 33 people reported dead and hundreds more injured, other important and famous people are jostling for attention. We, being the obedient lapdogs of the elite that we are, give it to them.

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Non-Renewable Resource Found to be Non-Renewable: World Shocked

News: Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
Robert Kilroy-Silk-Cuts
Robert Kilroy-Silk-Cuts

As OPEC puts on the squeeze and petrol prices rise, the country was shocked to discover that oil, as a non-renewable resource, is in fact, non-renewable. Political leaders have joined the general population in a state of amazement.

Conservative leader Michael Howard put the blame solely in the hands of the Labour government, blaming Blair and his “government’s successive taxes on petrol” for the situation. Howard, speaking from his palacial Folkstone mansion, expressed concern: “one day, the oil will run out then how will people travel from their country homes to their pied á terres? It’ll be a sad day when a man has to leave his two 3ltr Jaguars in the 6-berth garage and take Merc to the city instead.”

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UK ID cards explained

News: Sunday, July 25th, 2004

ID cards“the public want … a scheme that can provide them with a secure and convenient way of confirming their identity, to protect it from theft, tackle terrorism and organised crime and ensure free public services only go to those entitled to them.” – Davey Blunkett.

The British people realise that something has to be done about the terrorism and organised crime they face every day, whether it be at airports, in public parks or in their very own kitchens. Their free public services are being abused by so many asylum seekers and other non-Christians that even their own politicians are forced to use private health care and send their children to private schools. And without a secure and convenient way of confirming their own identities, many fear the sky will fall and the trains will be late.

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Bushy Wonka and his politics factory

News: Thursday, July 8th, 2004

Willy BushFearing that appearing inaccessible and out-of-touch may lose him voters come November, George Wubbleyoo Bush has announced unprecedented plans to open up his administration to select members of the viewing public.

Intelligence sources close to Bush have reacted with alarm to this move and have demanded that access to the “politics factory” will only be granted to the five lucky voters who find special foil tickets in specific locations. The vouchers, gold in colour, will be hidden inside gay marriage licences, Amnesty International reports and prints of Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 9/11″. Wannabe visitors are recommended to tear up said artefacts in order to see whether a ticket is contained within.

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Deaths this month

News: Thursday, May 20th, 2004

blue peter photoRecent summer-like weather in the north of England can be attributed to Jesus’ new sunbeam collection.

Farm-buyers this month include the Guinness Book of Norris McWhirter, the CEO of McDonalds and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Caron Keating

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War is Over

News: Tuesday, April 20th, 2004

photo of dead saddamAlmost a year after the end of the Great Iraq War of 2003 (“Another War To End All Wars”), the coalition forces led by the US are planning to withdraw remaining troops from the region.

“Our goals here have 100% been met,” said Gen. Frank “Franky” McFrankfrank of the 325th Airborne Cavalry Regiment (Segway Division), reporting news of the proposed withdrawal. “Saddam is no longer in control of the country and is enjoying old fashioned US hospitality at an undisclosed location in the region. His sons’ reign of terror has also now ended and we have strong hopes that a democratic government will be installed there by Independence Day. It’s sick that this nepotistical pseudo-monarchy should have been allowed to retain power for so long. In the Land of the Free(tm), that type of behaviour would not be allowed. At home, running the country is about the individual and his ability and suitability for the job in hand, and not just who their daddy is.”

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Sonia Stalker Slays Mother

News: Monday, April 5th, 2004

Sonia digs Lizard WoganSome say the scouse singer, songwriter, seamstress and stage superstar Sonia has achieved more in 32 years than most people dream of in a lifetime(tm). However, once you discover her real age is 257 it doesn’t seem like much to be proud of. Despite that, the new world odour team can reveal exclusively the shocking details of a murderous conspiracy against whom Sonia is our last best hope.

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War XP: Who Do You Want to Kill Today?

News: Sunday, May 18th, 2003

An exclusive screenshot of WarXP in actionThe long-anticipated War planning software, which Microsoft says will revolutionize the invasion process, is now available to governments world wide. “This is the Modern Art of War,” said Gates. “With War XP you’ll fare better at warfare.”

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