Two teenage students have been charged in connection with an investigation into suspected terrorist activity abroad, police have said.

Irfan Raja, 18, from Ilford, Essex, was charged with making a record of information likely to be useful to a terrorist. Awaab Iqbal, 18, from Bradford, was charged with possessing information likely to be useful to a terrorist. They are both charged under section 58 of the Terrorism Act.

For security reasons, the highly not flawed Terrorism Act does not clearly define “information likely to be useful to a terrorist”. Sir Ian Blair, Britain’s most senior policeman (76 years old) issued a list of items to help the public turn in their friends and colleagues:

Information likely to be useful to terrorists

• Book: Dictionary
  Terrorists can often use the alphabet to form words in which to communicate their actions. They have also been known to use numbers, which have roots in the Middle East and therefore are likely to be evil Arabic playthings.
• Map: London underground
  Such documents are highly useful when terrorists are planning their activities. Terrorists often have day jobs to which they need to commute in order to fund the purchase of further planning materials. Also groceries.
• Book: Self-Discipline in 10 Days: How to Go from Thinking to Doing by Theodore Bryant
  To fight the forces of freedom and liberty, an effective terrorist needs to be self motivated.
• Book: Dr. Atkins’ New Diet Revolution by Robert C. Atkins
  Terrorists need to eat to subsist but can’t be bogged down with heavy carbohydrates which can fog the mind, leading to mistakes in the field. If a terrorist made a mistake, innocent people might not get hurt.
• US Army Field Manual 7-98: Operations in a low intensity conflict
  This manual is of the upmost importance to a well organised terrorist network. It’s mostly useful if the terrorists in question also own more than half the world’s weapons and govern a docile population. Keep an eye out for evidence of this.
• This news article
  A terrorist could use this article to collect a veritable armory of information. Ensure that you delete it off the Internet after reading.

Sir Ian Blair also described how a patriotic member of the public might identify instructions on creating bombs: “Instructions describing mixing glycerol with a cooled solution of 40% nitric acid and 60% sulphuric to make nitroglycerin, then mixing the nitroglycerin with sodium nitrate and sawdust to make dynamite, or with more nitric acid and paraffin to make gelatin explosives, are probably suspicious.”

Related resources

• BBC News: Students charged under terror act
• Spyblog: ID cards likely to be useful to terrorists?
• Spyblog: More power!
• US Army Field Manual 7-98

A 58-year old school teacher has made the news after being forced to obey an arbitrary rule designed to ostracise and penalise a specific, largely defenseless, group of society.

Kay Partcnut was challenged by a security guard over her decision to wear a hooded top while shopping at her local supermarket.

“I told him ‘no, my hair’s a mess’. But I did oblige because rules are there for a reason and should be obeyed no matter what,” she said after she had recovered from the horrific, newsworthy, agenda-promoting incident.

“I couldn’t believe he was talking to me though. I’m supposed to look like a nasty thug? Thugs are not white, middle-aged or female; it says so in the Daily Mail.”

HISTORY

Apparel historian Prof. Dick Cravat from the Belgain Institute of Forbidden Textiles explains society’s prejudice towards such garments.

“What Ms Partcnut is describing isn’t a new problem. Hooded robes have long been associated with delinquent sorts.

“As far back as medieval times, hoods have been used by outlaws and the like to keep the rain off their evil, thieving heads; the most famous of these being Robin Hood and his gang (known on the forest floor as the ‘Eastside Merry’).

“With Hood’s well-known anti-authoritarian, anti-capitalist philosophy, it’s not surprising that supermarkets, shopping centres and the conservative media have developed such negative connotations of the garment itself.”

SORRY

Tesco’s, purveyors of fine consumable products and more than six varieties of casual upper body garments with attached head coverings, have apologised to Ms Partcnut for her mistreatment.

“Although our security guard’s intention was good, it seems as if he was a little over-zealous and we’re sorry to Ms Partcnut for that.

“We will be speaking to our security staff to make sure that in the future they only harass and offend the poor and people less likely to make a fuss.”

Related resources

• BBC News : Shop regrets ‘hoodie’ humiliation

Last week, the New York Times, swiftly followed by other news outlets reported that US Vice President Dick Cheney “Takes Full Responsibility” for accidentally shooting fellow hunter Harry Whittington. This martyraic statement allegedly came from a Fox News interview with Cheney by top Fox dog Brit Hume.

While the news conglomerates kept using the phrase “full responsibility” the FoxNews.com transcript of the interview shows that Dick never used any form of the word “responsibility.” Further investigations shows Cheney also didn’t use the words “Takes”or “Full”. And in fact, has no capacity for responsibility of any kind, positive or negative.

Bayesian statistical analysis of the interview found that the vice president didn’t actually discuss the shooting at all. He didn’t even mention hunting, of quails or otherwise. In fact, during a short phone call with a member of the FoxNews team he revealed that Dick Cheney only agreed to the interview on the condition that he didn’t need to speak at all.

A later phone call with Brit Hume himself confirmed that not only did Fox News never actually interview Dick Cheney, there is no Dick Cheney. The post of “US Vice President” has historically only been symbolic.

Asked about the non-existence of Mr. Cheney, President George W. Bush said “no comment”.

Related resources

• Znet: Cheney’s Dodge
• FoxNews.com: Cheney interview transcript

US Vice President Dick Cheney broke convention this weekend and actually directly harmed another human being. Dick was hunting for quail on a Texas ranch yesterday where he accidentally shot and wounded a companion. “I was utterly shocked” said Katharine Armstrong, the ranch’s owner. “Seeing Dick Cheney causing pain and suffering to a fellow sentient being was something I just wasn’t prepared for.”

Cheney, clearly not used to such hands-on experience with violence, was visibly moved by the incident: “All this red stuff flew out of holes in his face. It made a squelching sound. I got some on my hands. It was pretty awesome.”

As is well documented, Mr. Cheney is responsible for the pain, suffering and death of millions of people around the world who are the victims of US foreign policy. This is the first case of him actually being within 1000 miles of the event and it may well seem to be the first involving a wealthy, white, male victim.

Asked if he was worried about possible manslaughter charges if the victim should die, the Vice President roared with immense laughter for 15 minutes, pausing only to execute the questioning journalist.

In the wake of the death of a youngster attributed to a lip piercing gone MAD, leading doctors have given warnings about other activities that young people are involved with which could lead to disease, death or even worse.

“Clinical statistics show that almost 100% of young people have breathed within an hour of their death,” said Dr Simon Reactionary, chief registrar of the Daily Express Hospital for white Christians and soft-porn stars, Battersea. “We are aware that a growing number of children and young people are becoming involved in this deviant practice of breathing and it can only lead to unnecessary injury and untimely deaths. The government has given us £17million to fund a five year research project to investigate this causality further – which shows they are taking the problem seriously – and we are hoping for laws to be introduced in the next few months to curtail the take up of this dangerous habit.”

Margaret Liamann, whose son Kyle died last year after 17 years of being addicted to breathing, is pleased that this study is being carried out. “I am pleased that this study is being carried out to prove, once and for all, that seemingly innocent things kids do for the sake of fashion or to “fit in” can have deadly consequences.”

“Before he started taking in oxygen, Kyle was a happy healthy boy but after he developed his habit, he became sullen and aggressive towards his father and me. He used to call us horrible names, saying we were stupid, gullible and always looking for scapegoats, but I know that was the breathing talking and not really what he felt inside.”

“I was heartbroken when he died, as any mother would be, and didn’t believe it when the doctors at the hospital told me Kyle had died from alcohol poisoning, after drinking two bottles of whiskey in less than an hour. Kyle’s father, George and myself enjoy the odd tipple of single malt from time to time so we knew that it couldn’t be something as delicious as that which had caused Kyle’s death.”

“I couldn’t let it rest and spoke to doctor after doctor, asking for autopsy after autopsy to take place, until Dr Reactionary mentioned that breathing could possibly be to blame. As soon as he said that, it was like a relief washed over my body – like Kyle had been released from the lies causing him torment and his soul was free to fly up to heaven – and I knew that it was the truth. I just hope this research can find some proof about this sick habit to force the liberal lawmakers to act and prevent other mothers being robbed of their children in this way.”

• A new car under the mobility scheme
• State benefits of nearly £360 EVERY DAY
• A fourteen bedroom seaside castle in the centre of London, complete WITH a shed, white plastic garden furniture, satellite TV, and an underground network of tunnels
• Free towels
• The right of free association, which he could use to CORRUPT our most precious raw material (children) or join a BOOK GROUP
• An permanent seat on the UN Security Council
• A gagging order on the media to prevent them revealing his list of benefits

All this is on top of the £5,000,000 a year the wheelchair bound sexual offender fiend beast freak dragon hellcat will cost the NHS for his list of illnesses including asthma, diabetes and apophalatophobia*.

A Home Office spokesman clearly and concisely insisted: “Like all issues that might affect election results, protecting children is and may well be the highest priority of the government and we do almost everything you would think to ensure the public opinion is protected from offenders where a potential risk may and might can be foreseen before hand.”

* the fear of penis chewing

Muslims in the UK have been advised to stay indoors to avoid revenge attacks over the bombings in London today. Concerned about a possible backlash, the British Ministry of Islamic Human Rights has issued a list of recommendations for Muslims in Britain to follow:

Internment

Stay indoors. Do not leave your house.
The government can provide “accommodation” for those having difficulty accepting this recommendation.

Record telephone calls

Make audio recordings of all your telephone calls. This can be used by the police to protect you somehow.

Services

Do not use the phone and avoid the Internet, which could expose you to certain difficult truths.

Surrender passports

Surrender your passport to the nearest police station. This will protect you from identity theft.

Tagging

The Government has also prepared a colour leaflet containing instructions on how to build your own electronic tagging equipment. They recommend wearing this at all times, except in the bath, where you should instead be handcuffed to the towel rail.

Christianity

It is recommended that all British Muslims consider converting to Christianity. After all, whilst you might not agree Jesus was the son of god, you have to admit he was a pretty nice guy (except for all the terrorism).

Photo by Mark Karstad

Tony Blair

“It’s clear that if we hadn’t invaded Iraq, these explosions might have been much louder, with some fire maybe. I’m still confident I was right to illegally invade Iraq and kill tens of thousands of innocent people. We used tanks and depleted uranium, and all they can muster is a few bus bombs? ha!”

Lord Sebastian Coe

“This isn’t about the G8 meetings, it’s clearly about my successful 2012 Olympic bid. Al Qaeda know the Olympics are a shining example of freedom and democracy, if you ignore all the advertising deals and the tax money that’s spent on it against peoples wishes.”

Tony Blair

“Actually Lord Coe, I’m pretty sure it’s about the G8. We have George W. Bush for heavens sake. All you have is one of the spice girls.”

The Queen

“One is ok. There is no longer any need to worry. Luckily there were 3 horses and a palace between me and the explosions.”

David Blunkett

“These terrorist explosions made me go blind. Also masturbation.”

Charles Clark

“I bet you’ll fucking accept the ID card system now you fucking twats.”

As OPEC puts on the squeeze and petrol prices rise, the country was shocked to discover that oil, as a non-renewable resource, is in fact, non-renewable. Political leaders have joined the general population in a state of amazement.

Conservative leader Michael Howard put the blame solely in the hands of the Labour government, blaming Blair and his “government’s successive taxes on petrol” for the situation. Howard, speaking from his palacial Folkstone mansion, expressed concern: “one day, the oil will run out then how will people travel from their country homes to their pied á terres? It’ll be a sad day when a man has to leave his two 3ltr Jaguars in the 6-berth garage and take Merc to the city instead.”

UKIP figurehead Robert Kilroy-Silk-Cuts pointed the finger the another way, accusing the EU of squandering the oil reserves. “If you look at any village in the south of France, or in Spain, or in one of those pokey places out to the East like Germany, you will see every man, woman and child guzzling down large quantities of oil with their breads and cheeses, all subsidised by the British taxpayer,” Kilroy-Silk whispered seductively while setting his eyelids to bat on “woo” mode. “For every £10 the average British worker pays out in tax, the equivalent of over 27,000 Turkish Liras goes to Europe and pays for the frogs’ and dagos’ oil habits. That’s 193 Laos Kips! 88 Zambian Kwacha! Eighty-eight! All frittered away on silly subsidies!”

Labour leader Presidenté Blair countered Kilroy’s anti-EU argument – and the argument that the resource was running out at all. “Gosh, nothing could be further from the truth. Every day, people ask me ‘Tony, is it running out? Is it really as non-renewable as they say?’ and I can, hand on my heart, reassure them that many non-renewable resources, whilst certainly less renewable than most resources, can and might not be so less renewable than people might and can prove, oh no. Vote Labour. Peace out ma niz.”

Head Lib-Dem honcho, Charles “Chuck” Kennedy managed a more positive viewpoint. “Issallghud,” he said from his home-from-home, Oddbins. “Isss gonna be fine because I fuckin’ love you, man. An’ fuckin’ OPEC, fuckin’ kings of men they are, fuckin’ kings. Isss all gonna work out jhus’ fine, like in the movies.”

NWO on the streets

Maria

“It’s all just bullshit. How can we run out of oil? I saw a whole aisle full of Castrol at Halfords the other day. And my Discovery has a 93litre tank. That lasts me near a week sometimes so I’ll be fine.”
Maria, Consultant consultant, Leeds

Rainbow

“I think the oil farming methods are cruel and unnecessary. If everyone supported their local wholefoods supplier and bought organic oil from them, the problem would pretty much solve itself.”
Rainbow Lovecharm, Dreadlock-smith, Skipton

Dave

“I don’t like it one bit”
Dave, Shrew Farmer, Tingley

Hilary

“The problem isn’t a problem if one thinks about it logically. The lack of creatures from the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods is causing the lack of oil. With properly directed resources, we can recreate them from DNA traces found in amber and their chewing gum deposits and then in, say, 100million years we’ll have oil again. Problem solved.”
Hilary, top scientist-style boffin, Kent

The British people realise that something has to be done about the terrorism and organised crime they face every day, whether it be at airports, in public parks or in their very own kitchens. Their free public services are being abused by so many asylum seekers and other non-Christians that even their own politicians are forced to use private health care and send their children to private schools. And without a secure and convenient way of confirming their own identities, many fear the sky will fall and the trains will be late.

To probably combat these issues the Home Secretary, David Blunkett, has decided to implement a compulsory national identity card scheme. They intend to “proceed by incremental steps” regardless of things like “privacy”, “cost” and “facts”.

Why do we need an identity cards scheme?

The reasons for an ID card scheme are too complicated and mysterious for the average Joe Proliteriate but we’ve summarised some of the issues here for the Daily Mail readers.

Immigrants steal jobs

Literally thousands of jobs are taken from genuine English citizens every year. Many of England’s out of work road sweepers and hobbyist mechanics have been denied cushy jobs such as doctors and surgeons due to “smart-ass” immigrants.

Feel like you belong

The scheme will “show that everyone belongs to our society”. Our countries most commonly discriminated minorities such as Blacks, Asians and Females will be able to hold their different heads up high as they walk the streets proudly displaying their ID cards. If they don’t, they’ll face heavy fines and jail. A chip in the card generate the illusion that the card holder is a White, Christian male. At the moment, without the ID, these minorities are forced to resort to displaying plastic flags on their cars and houses, and disguising their accents.

Terrorismists

“Terrorists use false and multiple identities to help undertake and finance their activities”.
It is a long known fact that terrorists commonly enlist members with dissociative identity disorders rendering modern facial and voice recognition technology almost less useful. The ID card will contain information about each terrorist’s multiple personality, making it much more difficult for them to avoid capture. Whilst nuclear and chemical weapons are easily sourced by terrorists on the African-American market, forged identity cards will be almost entirely difficult to obtain without three or four hundred pounds in cash. Well out of the budget of the average independent Middle-Eastern terrorist, unless their being funded by a friendly western country with a military budget to burn.

Identity Fraud

“Identify fraud costs the economy at least £1.3 billion every year”.
Thousands of British whites have their identities stolen every year, but not all id fraud is just tax evasion and one night stands. “I lost everything” said victim Sandra Bullock. “One day I’m a famous actress from films such as Speed and less than a year later, I’m a nobody, from films such as Speed 2″.

Proof of identity

“an individual would not need to provide many different cards or pieces of paper”.
The ID card replaces the over 800 hundred different cards and pieces of paper that British people must currently carry about their person at all times, but only weighs in at 1.5 kilograms. Much lighter than an electronic ankle tag.

How it will work

Everything will revolve around a giant database called the “National Identity Register”, also known as the “Single Point of Failure Register” (SPFR). Every subject’s information will be stored in the SPFR, which will be hosted on a 15 storey tall gigantic “super”-computo-data-disk-base. The SPFR will be the largest collection of data in the entire universe and will, naturally, be searchable by Google.

Registration

New registrees will register their information with the SPFR through the Post Office, like buying stamps only more sinister. Of course, the ID card system can only work to prove people’s identities if the initial supplied information is truthful and accurate. This is ensured through the only known absolute source of personal identification: a utility bill. The utility bill (electricity & gas bills and petrol station receipts will be accepted) must show the address of the registree or of a friend or neighbour, or no address at all. McDonald’s name badges will only be accepted as proof of initial ID if accompanied by three stars or more.

Once the new data subject’s utility bill has been photographed, a biometric “sample” is collected. This replaces the older, but now obsolete, bioimperial sample. The biometric sample can be “provided” on the day or brought along in a tub (keep refrigerated).

Once the new information is scratched into the computers data “discs”, the registree is immediately able to function as a normal member of “society”. This is because the ID doubles as a credit card.

Day to day use

The newly obtained ID card is now ready to comprehensively prove the owner’s identity at a moment’s notice any time of the day, but not during the night as this is when it “re-charges”. For example, when ordering a television set with which to view television “shows”, the ID can be used to prove your intent to pay the license fee, or when committing a crime of passion, the ID card can be used to measure your emotion for use as a defence.

The future

Recent discussions have suggested that ID cards would be expanded to contain “mens rea” data. Information regarding intent, recklessness and willful blindness will be freely available to law enforcement officers and some CB radio enthusiasts.

Another plan is for the card to keep track of the holder’s “civil disobedience” quota. This will work much like the driver’s point system as when the quota is exceeded, the card holder is officially banned from acts of civil disobedience and all craft fairs.

Intelligence sources close to Bush have reacted with alarm to this move and have demanded that access to the “politics factory” will only be granted to the five lucky voters who find special foil tickets in specific locations. The vouchers, gold in colour, will be hidden inside gay marriage licences, Amnesty International reports and prints of Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 9/11″. Wannabe visitors are recommended to tear up said artefacts in order to see whether a ticket is contained within.

Come with me and you’ll be
In a world of US domination
Take a look and you’ll see
Britain’s assimilation

We’ll begin, warring
Trav’ling in the world of my creation
What we’ll do will defy
UN Regulation

If you want to invade paradise
Just drop the bomb ‘n’ nuke it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to rule the world?
there’s nothing to it.

Once inside the Whitehouse, visitors will have the chance to meet all the key members of his administration including Condoleezza “Beauregarde” Rice, reknowned for her constant chewing up and spitting out of the “bad guys” such as hippy liberals and independent investigating committeees, and “Mike Pornee” Ashcroft. “Veruca Dick” Cheney and Donald RumsGloop may also put in an appearance if they can tear themselves away from eating golden goose eggs and every single slice of the Iraqi pie.

Who can fuck up I-raq?
Torture an arab man or two?
Make ev’ry single Muslim hate ev’ry single Jew?
The US Government can
Oh, the US Goverment can!

Who can sue Greenpeace?
Cause climate change a’new?
Exploit ev’ry oil country for ev’ry drop o’th’ goo?
The US Government can
Oh, the US Goverment can!

Who can impoverise his country?
Foster a culture of ‘blame and sue’?
Strip out all the welfare til they’re totalling fucking you?
The US Government can
Oh, the US Goverment can!

The special guests will also be shown the top secret inventions being developed in the factory like the anti-terrorist gobstopper, heterosexuality liquor (”curing is dandy, but legislation is quicker”) and WMD-flavoured lickable wallpaper.

Bush will also use the tours to dispel rumours of the use of east Asian (and Myanmar) sweatshops by the administration by showcasing the prolific use of Oompa Loompa in political office and in the military.

“Oompa loompa dumpa dee die, You should see us orange guys fly; Oompa loompa dumpa dee dine, When we step on an Iraqi landmine,” sang an Oompa Loompa spokesgroup earlier today.

Farm-buyers this month include the Guinness Book of Norris McWhirter, the CEO of McDonalds and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Caron Keating

Caron Keating

Keating joined Blue Peter in 1986, bringing style and charisma to a team otherwise devoid of talent, sex appeal and even the most basic amoebic intelligence.

Like all Blue Peter presenters, she was required to undertake a number of daring reports, including diving with sharks, abseiling down skyscrapers and wearing ra-ra skirts in public. However, she will best be remembered for her skills with toilet rolls and sticky-backed plastic, shown off in full in the bestselling porn title “Blue Blue Peter” and its sequel “The Sexy Blue Peter”, which proved, beyond any doubt, that Mark Curry is a natural redhead (and that Bonnie the Labrador is a natural blonde). Viewers of the teatime programme though might prefer to remember her as the creator of such wonders as the shoebox-Barbie-playpad, a paper maiche Thunderbirds’ Tracy Island and the oddly prophetic “turn-a-carrier-bag-into-a-vomit-sack-for-using-after-chemotherapy”.

Keating will be buried in the Blue Peter garden, alongside fellow fallen comrades such as Bonnie the dog, recently deceased George the tortoise and recently diseased Richard Bacon the cokehead.

Norris McWhirter

A second ‘celeb’ to bite the big one this month is Norris McWhirter: another favourite fixture of BBC children’s programming in the 1980s. John Craven is reported to be very, very scared in case it is some sort of cull.

Norris “Hot Lips” McWhirter, co-founder of the Guinness Book of Records, has died aged 78. He suffered a heart attack while playing tennis at his Wiltshire home; he was drawing the game 15-all but as a massive blood clot clogged his vena cava, he missed a vital shot so died a pathetic loser.

“Hot Lips” co-founded the Guinness Book of Records with his brother, Ross, in the mid-1950s. The book has gone on to sell over 100million copies and over the years, the McWhirters witnessed approximately 49,052 record attempts. Norris himself is the holder of two records: longest living Guinness Book of Records founder and the victim of the world’s most fatal coronary thrombosis on a tennis court. However, his busty blonde widow, Trixie, 29, is trying to make this a posthumous hattrick. “I’ve propped his corpse in a bath of baked beans and if I can live with it in there for 72 days, it’ll make it in the book,” said the leggy ex-model at the press-conference today, “it’s what he would have wanted.”

Jim Cantalupo

Heart-attacks were the way to go this month as fruity Jim Cantalupo, CEO of the little-known fast food burger franchise ‘McDonalds’, gasped his last while experiencing a supersized myocardial infarction.

A spokesperson for NWO said “haarhaha heaheh heh hahah eh hardeeheheh hehe lol hahahaarhheheh rofl hahaahhehehehehahehah hehehahrhahahr heh heh. ROFL eheh heh. ha hah ahehe hehe ahha hehe heh heh heh haha. Bwaha hahahaha heh heeeaaahaaaah! heh haheh ahah heh hahahahahehahahhaaa teehee hah heh haha hahahehaha ha heh ahahaahheh ahe ahaheh muaha ahahahaha ah haha blahehe ha ha he haheheh hah heh hheh haha MUAHAHAHAHA. heh hehe hahah hehe hehah ROFL ROFL ROFL, bwahahahahaahahahahahaha” earlier today.

“Our goals here have 100% been met,” said Gen. Frank “Franky” McFrankfrank of the 325th Airborne Cavalry Regiment (Segway Division), reporting news of the proposed withdrawal. “Saddam is no longer in control of the country and is enjoying old fashioned US hospitality at an undisclosed location in the region. His sons’ reign of terror has also now ended and we have strong hopes that a democratic government will be installed there by Independence Day. It’s sick that this nepotistical pseudo-monarchy should have been allowed to retain power for so long. In the Land of the Free(tm), that type of behaviour would not be allowed. At home, running the country is about the individual and his ability and suitability for the job in hand, and not just who their daddy is.”

“As for the WMD, I can categorically state that there are no WMD in Iraq. None whatsoever. That’s how successful this mission has been.”

McFrankfrank also commented on the so-called casualties of war: “I would be lying if I said that none of our men have died out here in the field. None of our men have died out here in the field. The vast, vast majority of them have died from purely natural causes, back at barracks. Bleeding, low brain pressure due to bomb proximity and soul failure – every day, natural things that would have killed them whether they were here or fighting a war in Cuba, just for example.”

“Some Iraqis have claimed to be killed but I can reassure you that nothing is further from the truth. Our plan was to help these people, not hurt them. Look around you. None of these corpses or body parts are of dead people. They’ve just fainted from the shock and awe we laid down. The ones that persist with the myth are just out and out liars. And commies.”

McFrankfrank is also quite unequivocal about the recent ‘uprisings’: “The images on tv are biased. These people are partying, that’s what it really is. They’re just breaking out the beers, hotdogs and grenades to celebrate their new found freedom. The people who have claimed to be kidnapped or beheaded are just enjoying the fun and don’t want to go back to their cushy liberal lives and wives back home.”

Likewise, McFrankfrank dismissed the claims of torture of Iraqi prisoners in the hands of the Allied Axis of Goodness and Purity. “Again, those images on CBS are completely biased. CBS stands for Commie Bull Shit. Those weren’t electric shock wires, they were Neilson TV ratings sensors. How can we install a democratic system in this country without knowing what they want to see on TV? And as for the human pyramids, that’s standard US army circus exercises. All troops and prisoners are required to do that to keep fit and healthy. It also includes monocycle training and juggling. You wanna get a load of those towel heads on stilts, it’s freaking hilarious.”

Conspiracy

The latest conspicuous signs of the conspiracy came on a quiet Friday, the 26th of March. This date is very significant. If digits 2, 6 and 3 (for March) are added together, one obtains the number 11, which obviously signifies that fated day in history, etched on all our souls, September 11th (when, in 1970, Ford released the Pinto). The 26th March will also live in infamy forever more though, because on that very date this year, Peter Andrews (44, of Leicestershire) gave testimony under oath in a court of law.

Peter Andrews

Andrews is convicted of killing his mother (Joan Andrews, 80) by means of a Diazepam overdose before finally decapitating her with what police describe as a ‘DIY’ electric chainsaw. Andrews raised many concerns about the fairness of his trial, which are understandable given the background. Andrews claims that the UK was invaded in 1990 by Germany in what effectively constituted World War III. A secret, silent world war. He goes further to suggest that German satellites can read his thoughts and transmit them to the population at large (which is how we know that he touches himself inappropriately) and that he was part of an underground resistance movement allied with, you guessed it, Sonia.

The main affront to freedom in this trial was the UK judiciary’s insistence on populating the jury with human beings. Humans, of course, can read the defendant’s mind, and are likely to be a part of the worldwide conspiracy against whom Andrews fought. The only way to ensure a fair jury would be to make sure it was composed entirely of (friendly) extra terrestrials. God only knows what Andrews will face now that he has become victim to our corrupt system of law and sanity.

Interview

We ask Sonia directly, what now? What now, for us, and for Andrews? What now for the resistance movement? We contacted Blackburn Sachs Associates (agents for S.O.N.I.A. – Sanity is Overrated Now Is the time for Action).

NWO: What is Sonia’s opinion, generally, on post-mortem decapitation? Is the chainsaw the best tool for the job?
SONIA: Let me first tell you what we are dealing with here. Joan Andrews may have looked like a defenseless old lady to you people and your readership. Of course, nothing is further from the truth. When it is time to feed on human blood and she takes her true form of 12ft Anunaki lizard from the fourth dimension, she will come after YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. There is no question, you decapitate that motherfucker. And a chainsaw is a good tool for the job.

NWO: Does Sonia also believe the Germans have controlled the UK since the start of World War III in 1990?
SONIA: It’s not a matter of believing, let me tell you, it’s FACT. And our resistance movement is growing. It was just a few of us at first, me, Craig [McLachlan] and Shane [Richie]. But support is growing fast. As many people are starting to realise that the German invaders are being controlled by the Anunaki Lizards. Why do you think we wear turquoise shellsuits? For fun?

NWO: Can Sonia describe why extra-terrestrial jury members can not read a human defendant’s mind? What is Sonia’s opinion, generally, on extra-terrestrials appearing in British juries?
SONIA: Humans must be removed from the court room for trials to be fair, that much is known. But when these Lizards are in blood-drinking feeding-frenzy time, nothing is gonna save us, except for guns, guns and chainsaws. Decapitation is the only way to fight them. In the courts, all is already lost.

NWO: Has Sonia ever had personal contact (intimate or otherwise) with either Peter Andrews or his mother Joan (now sadly deceased)?
SONIA: Only psychically.

NWO: What is Sonia’s preferred type (and/or brand) of underwear?
SONIA: For day to day wear, I prefer the standard bodyshape brief: the no-nonsense style meshes well with my personality. But, for those special nights in, I go for something cheeky in pink chiffon preferably something which combines the short and thong look, sexy yet comfortable. As for brand, well, I couldn’t possibly advertise – that could jeopardise any future work with ITV.

NWO: Any last thoughts?
SONIA: Only a psychic message, and two liminal messages: wear turquoise and kill the lizard-men.

Ever on guard against blood drinking Anunaki lizard men of the fourth dimension, the NWO editorial team wholeheartedly agrees with Sonia’s sentiments, and hopes to avert the end of the world – because as bad as this one might be, better the devil you know…

* Sonia’s answers may or may not reflect Sonia’s actual answers.
** Sonia’s answers may or may not reflect gamma radiation.
*** Sonia may or may not have used the word “motherfucker”.

dot-globalworlddomination

War XP is the latest software to test key components of Microsoft’s long standing strategy, dot-globalworlddomination and integrates with the online MS Passport service to offer the highest security of your battle plans. (Microsoft note in the software contract that their definition of security may not be compatible with your own).

War XP Plus-Pack

The company also announced Microsoft PLUS for War XP, a bundle of add-on tools, features and cute icon themes to enhance the organised, “legalised” killing eXPerience.

Features:

• The remote assistance feature enables a user to share control of his or her War plan with the United States of America. This allows the USA to control the pointer and keyboard to help influence decisions, saving needless blackmail and assassinations.
• Support for all the latest excuses for invasion, such as “Our receipt indicates they have weapons of mass destruction”, “Their weapons of mass destruction are coming right for us!!” and “Are you going to argue with us? We’re the USA for Chrissakes!”.
• OLE support for embedded journalists, for easy propaganda integration. Support for up to 8 million deaths per “War project”, friend or foe (and up to 16 million with the upcoming XP Holocaust Edition)
• Microsoft Autoroute for invasion route planning.
• Microsoft Project Gantt chart display of War plan.
• Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf “clippy” popup public relations helper.
• “Safe Mode” to play out scenarios with fewer troops, to minimize pension payouts.
• Keep account of all embarrassing injuries with the “My Friendly Fire Incidents” folder
• Convenient licensing options, per War or by official death toll.

JDAM (Joyous Direct Attack against Muslims)

Despite the treasonous thoughts of terrorist sympathisers and other war non-believers we must remind ourselves that “above all this was a JDAM war (BBC)”. The JDAM is a standard 1,000 lb or 2,000 lb bomb that is “made smart” by injecting it with cloned brain cells taken from George Bush and Richard Pearle. The on board satellite and inertial guidance systems give this weapon an accuracy as fine as 40ft, which is much wider than a civilian child, a fact often overlooked by bleeding heart liberals and hippies.

The E-Bomb

The E-Bomb is a new type of munitions which the USA have had since the 1947 when aliens gave them the design via telepathic communication with the Truman administration. The bomb works by accelerating an electron beam against a mesh to produce microwave oscillations which are focused by a mysterious property known only as “the force”, which is then sent to the enemy via hotmail or AOL instant messenger. The resultant electro-magnetic blast can damage enemy electronic communications systems such as computers, digital watches and those pictures with a moving waterfall effect in them.

101st Segway Scooter Brigade

As the illustrious George W. Bush once said from his armoured armchair, “special forces is are a weapon that can must be misunderestimated in modern warfare”. In the Gulf War II, this has been proved to great effect. Since the adoption of civilian segway scooter technology movement through the desert has become much easier. Instead of just using traditional caterpillar tracks to spread the weight of an object over a massive surface area thus allowing a vehicle to move freely on the sandy surfaces, the segway scooter moves when you lean forward, cool or what?!

Laser Rifles

In this war US soldiers for the first time were permitted to use the PL-3B experimental laser rifles in combat situations. The tests were successful despite lasers not usually being harmful to humans in any way. Not many details have been released but we do know that the Pentagon are planning a new model which will have three important upgrades: the ability to make sound as well as light, the slowing of light to make it come out in 6 inch long projectiles, and special chalk-dust emitters which will scatter enough of the directed laser light to make it visible.

Debt of gratitude

As you can see, we owe a debt of gratitude to these weapons, the men that designed them and the men that deployed them. Remember that without these things life would be intolerable in our fine countries. We here in the UK would not be able to stand proud knowing that our country provides for us world class education, public health care and free fire coverage. The arms trade helps everyone, not just politicians.

And don’t forget in our competition we are giving away vouchers, redeemable at your local arms dealers, for any one of the weapons featured if you can answer this simple question. How much did it cost UK taxpayers to give gifts of arms and loan guarantees to Saddam Hussein up to 1990, 2 years after Halabja?

• a) £98,000,000
• b) £98,000,000
• c) £98,000,000

Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Understanding that some people in position of power have learning difficulties and/or are stupid, NWO has drawn up its own peace atlas to the region in these terrifically turbulent but terribly terrific times.

Country by country, this helpful dossier combines useful information, helpful travel advice and the great American plan for its future. Tony Blair has also made his own contribution by providing a ‘Do they have WMD?’ rating. He has promised, crossed his heart and hoped to die (or at least ’sticked’ his finger is his eye), to resign if he is wrong on any of his comments.

The information can be transferred onto flash cards or cut-and-paste into a “Learn with Barney” program to help intellectually-challenged commanders in chief pick up the valuable material herewith.

Previous Name: Iraq

US-sanctioned New Name: New South Dakota
Tony’s ‘Do they have WMD?’ rating: “I am absolutely convinced and confident about the case on weapons of mass destruction ? I think that when we [find them] you [sceptics] will be eating some of your words.”
Percentage of Americans that can’t find it on a map: 87%
Helpful travel advice: Always stop at roadblocks and check news reports hourly to find out whether certain cities (eg Basra) are in coalition control or not. Or are. Or not. Or are.
The Plan: In his speech on 1st May 2003, George W Bush announced that “the major combat operations have ended and… reconstruction has begun” and consequently “any violence still taking place was probably just a drunken tiff about pork or a wifebeating which is sanctified by their hokeypokey religion so we can not interfere with their way of life”. Bush also took this opportunity to unveil the proposed new map of the state (left).

Previous Name: Syria

US-sanctioned New Name: New Kentucky
Tony’s ‘Do they have WMD?’ rating: Colin says yes and I have to agree. After all, why would he lie?
Percentage of current American presidents that can’t find it on a map: 100%
Helpful travel advice: avoid the George W Bush roundabout at rush hour and in the afternoon on match days.
The Plan: On his tour around Spain, Syria and Lebanon (aka ‘Operation Those Bastards Are Next’), Colin Powell will be singing folk songs about ‘the great white men from across the big sea’ to Damascus school children. Powell’s visit is “intended partly to warn Syria to end what Washington says is its support for terrorism” but also as “a reward to Syria for listening to American demands not to harbour fleeing Iraqi leaders”. Powell is also reputedly scouting around for holiday home locations for when the three countries are New Arizona, New Kentucky and New Vermont respectively.

Previous Name: Israel

Previous Previous Name: Palestine
US-sanctioned New Name: United States of Lovely Jewish People and Towel Heads
Tony’s ‘Do they have WMD?’ rating: Nope, nope, certainly not those lovely people.
Syria’s ‘Do they have WMD?’ rating: “The only party in the region with weapons of mass destruction is Israel. If Israel is the only country, then why are the accusations against Syria?” Syrian envoy Fayssal Mekdad
Helpful travel advice: Steer clear of the West Bank, Gaza, Tel Aviv, Hebron, Bulldozers, people from Derby.
The Plan: After years of careful deliberation and brainstorming by top US thinkers, it was the hardy Slashdotteers that provided the structure for the final plan. After trying and failing to successfully use the usual “in Soviet Russia…” or “all your blank are belong to us” responses, the three stage model (1. Implausible idea, 2. ???, 3. Profit!!) proved irresistible to the diplomats charged with writing the historic paper. The much vaulted document therefore reads:

1. End violence in Israel
2. ???
3. Permanent status agreement/end of conflict!!

Previous Name: Algeria

US-sanctioned New Name: South Central North Africa Beach Boulevard
Tony’s ‘Do they have WMD?’ rating: an International Atomic Energy Agency inspection noted no evident motivation to acquire nuclear weapons so yes, uh-huh, definitely.
Reason to be classed as “Middle East” despite being in north-west Africa: a French colony until 1962. They deserve it, the bastards. Quebec is next.
Helpful travel advice: When visiting the archaeological sites on the edge of the Sahara, do not lean your head forward when some passing fellow says “excuse me, meister”. This will give him the perfect opportunity to hit you over the head with some blunt instrument and whisk away you and 30 of your tour mates.
The Plan: Once Algeria has been assimilated into the axis of Just ™, Hollywood studios will be poised to take advantage of the vast sandy expanses available for a cheap, non-unionized price tag. The third installment of Star Wars (”Menacing Attack of the Phantoms”) is set to be filmed there and talks are in progress to remake many old sandy epics such as ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ (although to downplay Middle Eastern connections the remake will be known as ‘Larry of Somewhere Sandy’). “It’s great!” exclaimed studio executive Ben McJerry, “we’ve never had such a convenient location setting before. It’s not like we’ve got a desert on our doorstep, in like Nevada or Arizona.”

Previous Name: Saudi Arabia

US-sanctioned New Name: Saudi Arizona
Tony’s ‘Do they have WMD?’ rating: Osama bin Laden is from there. So obviously.
Fun fact: The first Saudi Arabian McDonald’s opened in 1993. There are now over 70 restaurants across the provinces including two “in the holy city of Mecca – a place sacred to Muslims throughout the world”.
Helpful travel advice: If you are a foreign national and if you value it at all, do not wear your head out of doors.
The Plan: According to Gulf News, Saudi Arabia is to develop a $22 billion tourist industry: employing around 2 million more jobs and raising the current annual number of visitors from 20.8 million to 44 million over a 20-year period. Prince Sultan bin Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, chairman of the Supreme Commission for Tourism (Kingdom of Saudi Arabia) expects tourism to be pulling in $22 billion a year by 2023 rather than current measly $9.64 billion. Not wanting to lose out on these big riyals, the US is to hold off invading the peninsula until all the hard work and money-generating infrastructures are in place. Once there are Radisson hotels in every nomadic outpost, the coalition will book in for a regime change (with en suite bathroom).

Top Five Ways to Identify a Nuclear Attack is Taking Place

1. bright light
2. heat
3. loud bang
4. vaporisation of dining companions
5. your silhouette etched permanently into nearby igneous rock

Top Five Helpful Hints for Surviving a NBC attack

1. When fire, pestilence and internet worms are falling from the sky, you may want to “create a barrier between yourself and any potential contamination outside”. The US Government’s site recommends using “duct tape and heavyweight garbage bags or plastic sheeting” but alternatives are available in the event of a shortage. A boiled condom can be stretched over the head and body forming a spermicidal sheath between the individual and the burning remains of the planet Earth.
2. In order to survive in your own post-apocalyptic hermatically-sealed world, you’re going to need a supply of food and water. Tinned food works best in these circumstances because:
   1. it is protected from contamination
   2. it has a long shelf life
   3. with several empty tin cans and a rather long piece of string, one may a construct a telecommunications network with coverage capable of rivalling Vodafone without of the downsides of (additional) genital malformation.

   Water rarely comes canned but you’ll still need a lot of it. You may want to go back to thinking about condoms again. A condom can hold ten metric pints of “fluid”. Once filled with “fluid”, this can be safely stored until needed. This amount of time is variable depending on the nature of the “fluid”.

3. “If you do not have a car, plan how you will leave if you have to” or “If you don’t have a car then you’re unimportant and probably black, gay or vegetarian. The Government isn’t interested in saving you.” Major towns and cities are already trialling armaggedon lanes to ease congestion in the post-apocalyptic commuter rush. These are proving largely unsuccessful but will be rolled out to less-major towns and cities anyway.
4. Develop a “Family Communications Plan”. Assuming that the staff from your local power company, radio station, ISP and broadcasting organisation made it through the NBC attack and managed to get to work the next morning, you should follow the government’s advice and “watch TV, listen to the radio or check the Internet for instructions.”

   A spokesperson for the BBC has revealed plans for an “Armaggedon Night Special” hosted by Carol Smilie and Eamonn Holmes, featuring quality programming such as “That was your life”, “(There’s no) Tomorrow’s World” and “Seinfeld” (this week, Jerry wonders “what is the deal” with his horrifically mutated skull).

5. If all else fails, Duck and Cover. Bert The Turtle shows you how to survive a monkey dropping a dynamite stick on you. No advice is given for non-testudines or if the attack doesn’t involve a primate.

Top Five Pastimes to Enjoy in Post-Apocalypticia

1. Fishing. All the fish will be dead so survivors will have to choose another target. Jewellery of the dead is a possible option. You can personalise the game by digging through the ashen remains your very own family and friends. The catch can be increased with the use of a Dyson vacuum cleaner since the heavy bounty will be forced towards the outside of the cyclone. Dyson vacuum cleaners are protected by so many layers of legal patent-protection that they’ll still be around when cockroaches are running the planet.
2. ‘Stuck in the Mud’. This variation on the childhood game of tag will be greatly improved after a nuclear holocaust as several players will be not so much “stuck in the mud” as “fused into concrete” and therefore easy targets. They are also less likely to catch you when they are ‘it’.
3. I Spy. Or rather Eye Spy. Players have ten minutes to find the largest collection of detached human eyeballs. The winner gets to keep all the eyes collected in the game – to use in case their own ocular orbs drop out.
4. ‘Twister’. The MB classic, which allows relative strangers and strange relatives to mix in a pseudo-sexual manner, can be played unmodified after the armageddon. Mutations to limbs could even make it easier for those involved.
5. Masturbation. Nothing much will change about masturbation. Except if your genitalia has dropped off. Or you’ve grown a second set.

Top Eight Advertising Slogans in the Smouldering Remains of the Annihilated World

1. Nike: “Just Irradiate It”
2. Marlborough: “No longer the leading cause of cancer”
3. “Radioactive M&Ms melting your mouth and your hands”
4. Pepsi: “the choice of a vaporised generation”
5. “Got skin?”
6. Kentucky Fried Whatever: “NBC Suit Glove Lickin’ Good”
7. Carlsberg: “Probably the only beer in the world”
8. Yellow Pages: “Let your fingers do the walking and your mutated ears do the talking”

Last month saw the Internet infrastructure threatened by the 5th horse-person of the apocalypse; the 22nd plague; a creeping death; the seventh seal of computer virii; the true Armageddon. Your first born are not safe. Last month saw the Code Red worm.

The Code Red worm was written by disgruntled FBI agents after, unlike everybody else, they didn’t receive any “I Love You” e-mails last year.

The emotionally unstable government employees prayed upon the weak and feeble software monopolist Microsoft, who have been forced to rush out a fix for their Index server software by the US Government.

Steve Gibson of Gibson Research Corporation, the creator of the Internet

“The worm exploited the raw sockets bug I discovered in Windows XP earlier this year whilst I was auditing the default HTML pages I got with IIS” exclaimed the Internet’s designer Steve Gibson, of Gibson Research Corporation. “I tried to warn the community but I don’t think they understood the complexities of the problem, even though I went to the trouble of pull quoting large portions of it in various rainbow colours, and even made some graphs.”

Today the worm entered into its propagation phase which, with currently over 250,000 dormant infected hosts, could be a catastrophic event. Such catastophism needs to be met with some and extreme deadly action. US President George W. ‘The Rock’ Bush reacted to this yesterday saying “Bastard Chinese, this is what ‘Son of Star Wars’ is going to protect us against.”.

Analysts in Tokyo have modified their advanced earthquake prediction system (EAPS!) to track Internoseismic activity, the tectonic tell-tale precursors of ‘trouble’ on the web, and they have disturbing results.

Professor Wasabi Sushi von Noodles* of the The Maltese Cow Institute told us “Something VERY big is on the horizon. We could see the end of all Internet access as we know it. There is only one hope left now.”

His assistant unveiled their plans and explained “We aim to awaken Godzilla from the depths and look concerned as he fights the mighty Code Red Worm-ra. We have organised a meteorite to strike the ocean near Japan to give him one hell of a wake up call.”

“We realise we are at risk of uncovering the lost forgotten egg of Mothra somehow. Mothra is a huge insectine monster that is actually a larger threat than Code Red, but we plan to distract it with a giant light bulb we learnt how to build from the recovered US aeroplane**”.

There have been reports that NASA have increased the security surrounding their control centre, where the Internet is stored. “We’re not happy with the plan. Godzilla is just going to scratch all of our server cases and maybe even knock important things over. He won’t be of any use whatsoever.” said US head Internetician Randy Burger, “Mothra could probably help us out with our aphid infestation though.”

* Any similarity or apparent confusion between China and Japan are purely the result of poor research, general knowledge and racist stereotypes.
** Same applies here.
*** Not here though

we are writing to you in the hope that you can read. If not, we trust someone will read it aloud for you. Hi Tony.

We are avid watchers of the television (which we am sure you will appreciate) and we could not help noticing the unpleasant situation in which the international community now finds itself. May we be so bold as to propose a radical new solution. Don’t be afraid, it isn’t communism, it’s something even better.

First, let me outline what we understand to be your current motives for “war” “with” “Iraq” and the possible opposition that “unreasonable” elements within the international community may “unreasonably” cite in order to justify their “unreasonable” vetos.

Iraq has illegal weapons of mass destruction.
Iraq has links with terrorism/Al Qaeda.
Saddam is a dictator who uses chemical weapons against his own people.
Sweaty Arabs.

Let us deal with the possible opposition to these statements. Bear in mind we am playing devils advocate here!

1.WMDs. No one believes you. Everyone knows you sold them anything they may have over a decade ago. Even if it still exists, they have the old stuff; we all have the new stuff. They have Al Samoud missiles; we have Al Samoud repellent spray. The fact that weapons inspectors have nothing credible after searching hard proves they have no arsenal of any real scale.

2.Terrorism. No one believes you. Even a man of the magnitude of Colon Bowel could not convince the security council of this one. Saddam would never work with a CIA operative, let’s get real! And as for ending world terrorism, even your own state department expect that “overthrowing Iraqi President Saddam Hussein is unlikely to generate democratic reform in the Arab world.”

3.Dictator. Even Jack Straw does not believe you. As recently as 2001, Jack Straw was turning down Iraqi asylum seekers saying that “[a prisoner] could expect to receive a fair trial under an independent and properly constituted judiciary.”

4.Smell. Good point, but not a vote swinger. The poor body odour of the Arab nations is well documented and is cited as one of the reasons the Israelis build large prison-like walls around the occupied Palestinian territories.

Sounds bad, doesn’t it? How can one make the best of such a situation? Our answer comes in the form of an alternative battle plan.

Our plan involves using sleight of hand to shift the focus of attention from Iraq, a country which produces 2.6 million barrels of oil a day to England, a country which produces 2.4 million barrels. This is a slight downgrade but we think the sell may be a tad easier (even France have pledged military assistance). Besides, it is much less distance for the troops to travel and they can still get “Big Macs” in the field. We will outline our reasons for the new target.

1.WMDs. England has illegal weapons of mass destruction. England holds the fifth largest nuclear arsenal in all the world. The first of its four Vanguard class nuclear submarines (the Vanguard) was commissioned in 1994 in clear contravention of the UN Non-proliferation treaty (NPT) on nuclear weapons.

2.Terrorism. England funded Islamic Extremist groups (Al Qaeda) to the extent of 100,000 pounds in 1996 in order to carry out illegal overseas assassinations.

3.Dictator. El presidente Blair is a self appointed dictator, in his six year rule, England has gone from civil unrest to economic turmoil and back again. His oligarchy comprises himself, his (now estranged) gay lover Gordon Brown and members of a clandestine neo-hippie new york rock act who came to prominence in the UK in the early 1990s. There are many opposition groups waiting to take over should “regime change” occur. The most credible opposition would either be the exiled members of the “Take That” group or the one-handed military rule of General Eamonn Holmes. The UK regime also has a bloody history of deploying chemical and biological weapons on its own people. For example, in 1991, the then-ruling government illegally injected chemical and bacteriological agents into 50,000 of its troops serving in the Persian Gulf. 2,000 of these troops are now ill and 400 have died as a result. Some members of that cabinet even made their own children eat infected British beef. The English people need guarantees that this kind of terror will not be seen again.

4.Smell. Stinky Arabs. Maybe the proximity to the odorous French (cheese eating surrender monkeys) would be just as good. Sniff tests confirm that most US voters wouldn’t know the difference anyway.

In summation, sir, we strongly suggest halting your war with Iraq, and instead bring peace and your unique brand of democracy(tm) over to the impoverished people of England.

Thank you sir.

Yours

The New World Odour