News in Brief: Friday, March 24th, 2006
Nick Griffin is watching you.
Officials say tests have confirmed Britain’s first cases of the deadly H5N9 strain of flu.
A spokesperson for the European Union’s Reference Laboratory for Aryan Influenza said “This virus poses a large-scale threat to all humans of Indo-European origins. Well, the noble ones anyway.”
As a precuation, some experts suggest speaking exclusively in Indo-European languages but Mikey Stewart Chamberlain, great grandson of British author Houston Stewart Chamberlain disagreed: “This is a discerning virus. It cares not for ethno-linguistic origins. If your eyes are blue, you’ll get the flu.”
News in Brief: Friday, February 24th, 2006
Tony Blair, War Criminal
At a Downing Street press conference yesterday, the Prime Minister explained his party’s stance on the US prison camps in Cuba. “I have said all I want to say on Guantanamo,” he said. “I have said it is an anomaly. I have said it should end sooner rather than later.”
Mr. Blair elaborated on his definition of anomaly: “Both my own government and the Bush administration have taken steps to infringe on the human rights of millions of people at home and abroad. We routinely torture and murder, and support regimes that torture and murder, all in the name of ‘national security’. In the name of ‘anti-terrorism’. To protect our corporation’s profit margins. To keep your cars running. The anomaly with Guantanamo bay is that it’s being reported in the mainstream media, and this should end sooner rather than later.”
“The status-quo is not to be challenged like this,” he added.
News in Brief: Thursday, July 7th, 2005
Within minutes of the reports of explosions in tube stations and busses in London, the Home Office has issued a statement:
“Whether these explosions were caused by bombs, terrorismists, communist dictators, weapons of mass destruction or a leaking gas main, we’re confident our proposed ID card system would have prevented it. We are also confident that if there hadn’t even been any explosions today, we would have our ID scheme to thank.”
No further information is available on the number of casualties, but Number 10 has suggested they have already found links to the Middle Eastern country Iran.
News in Brief: Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
Hospitals in Leicester UK are considering removing bedside Bibles due to recent suggestions that they spread disease. “Our own trials have confirmed these suggestions” said Hospital director Dr. Blackbile. “The trials clearly show that Bibles spread disease, specifically the super bug Christianity.”
The Christianity disease is unique in that it spreads through not only human contact but through most forms of human communication including, as in this case, the written word. Christianity uses the promise of infinite love and happiness to lure victims, who are very quickly overcome with “faith” and soon succumb to prayer.
But Brian Leaklittle, executive director of Gideons International headquarters, situated at the centre of the earth in a reality-proof bunker said: “They are saying that Christianity can cause death, and we say that is nonsense. I know of no Christian who died due to his involvement in Christianity. Well, except for that Jesus bloke.”
A recent British Medical Journal article made recommendations to help slow the spread of Christianity. “Firstly, flourinate the water supply. Secondly, biometric ID cards. Thirdly, invade Syria.”. A brittle-boned BMJ spokesperson explained the work behind the study. “We did some statistical analysis. Lots of numbers; lots of them. We used lots of averaging.”
News in Brief: Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
Health professionals this week called on government and parliament to pass legislation to protect people from the dangers of the music industry.
“The music business is dangerous and if the current use trend continues it is estimated that by 2010, thousands of young professional musicians will die from celebrity-related diseases, such as drug abuse and depression.” said spokesperson Dr. Thompson.
“This industry takes enthusiastic, talented people and exploits them, endangering their health. And in another case they exploited Brian Harvey, of East 17.”
News in Brief: Sunday, May 29th, 2005
The Ministry of Defence has announced that a British soldier died in Southern Iraq after his convoy was attacked. Lieutenant Skabbi Hijabi, of the Iraqi police, described the incident to New World Odour.
“The convoy was attacked by either ‘freedom fighters’, or insurgents. To be honest, it’s difficult to tell them apart. In the confusion, the British soldier was distracted long enough for him to trip over several charred corpses of Iraqi children. He fell onto the body of an American soldier, and inhaled lethal levels of radioactive depleted uranium dust. With medical attention we might have been able to keep him alive for a few hours, but friendly fire killed the doctors.”
The MoD has issued a premium rate phone number for relatives worried about the welfare of family members serving in Iraq. The proceeds will be used to drop more food parcels and cluster bombs.
News in Brief: Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
Rt Hon Geoff Hoon MP has joined his cabinet colleagues in supporting the fight against obesity. “The health risks of obesity have long been known,” said Hoon from his palacial Ashfield mansion earlier today, “but the true cause of the problem is only now coming to light: we have strong intelligence reports that Al Qaeda is to blame. They are smuggling obesity-causing apparatus, technically known as Clandestine Adulterated Killing Equipment (CAKE), into the UK which is high in both fat and sugar, and also death. They are then using cells dotted throughout the UK to surreptitiously allow infiltration of this CAKE into the diets of normal healthy people and from there, obesity grows. This is not just a problem for the government, this is a problem for everyone.”
News in Brief: Monday, July 26th, 2004
A press conference on climate change hosted by President Bush went awry recently when he was distracted at a crucial point by a bee, severely limiting his ability to give coherent answers. Ordinarily the President’s armed guard ensure this kind of thing doesn’t happen, however in this instance they were pre-occupied watching the Chevy Case film Caddyshack on a monitor behind the scenes.
“It’s impossible to fight the war on terror when the very air we breathe is full of funny buzzing flying things” Bush said later in a prepared statement. He also declared that bees are agents of Saddam Hussein and possibly his pinky-pals in Al Qaeda. The Whitehouse confirmed that the matter is in hand and that “in future, the location of all press conferences will be throughly machine gunned beforehand to ensure no insect interference”.
News in Brief: Saturday, July 24th, 2004
As George W Bush turned 48 on 6th July, conspiracy theorists across almost one-fifth of the internet have been noting the shocking interconnectivity of it all. Adding together the numbers in his date of birth (06/07/46), one gets 59. Minus his age, 48, from this and you get 11. as in SEPTEMBER THE ELEVENTH. as in THE DAY THE FORD PINTO WAS INTRODUCED IN 1970, and also Harry Connick Jr’s birthday. Pundits have suggested that all of this was predicted by Nostradamus in his latest book “The Centuries”. “See! I foretold you all so.” said Mr. Damus at a press briefing this week. “I wrote it here, plain as day – ‘In the City of God, there will be much kurfuffle and some smoke.’ You people never learn.”
Nostradamus was seen hurriedly leaving the conference hall in a large metal bird and hasn’t answered our phone calls.
News in Brief: Friday, July 23rd, 2004
In an inprecedented U-turn maneouvre, the British Government has apologised for the concern it has caused with the recent scaremongering over obesity. David Hinchliffe MP, chair of the Common Health Select Committee, felt compelled to retract the Government’s recommendations after the revelation that scientists did not tell them the whole story. “When the advisors first came to us with the statistics of the affect of obesity, we were horrified,” said David from his palacial Wakefield mansion earlier today. “The increased health risks and their implications on society didn’t bear thinking about. Then Tessa Jowell pointed out that it only affects fat people so it isn’t really a problem after all because they’re just a dead weight (and what a weight) around society’s shoulders anyhow.”
News in Brief: Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
The White House has been forced to apologise for misleading the world over Saddam Hussein. The Bush administration repeatedly made claims that Saddam was the devil incarnate, had links with Al Qa’ida, shot JFK, framed Michael Jackson and OJ, caused the US economy to slump causing mass unemployment, invented the vile “New Coke” recipe in the 1980s and has athelete’s foot. After extensive investigation, an independent commission (sponsored by Mysil, the bestselling anti-fungal powder for feet) has found no evidence to back up any of the suggestions made by the White House.
A humbled Dick Cheney read a short prepared statement on the matter: “we had strong reasons to believe the information that we had received regarding Mr Hussein was true. We were not just repeating rumours in a game of Chinese whispers: we had been given the information in both MS Word and Powerpoint form. We thought it was fact but now I have personally washed the extremities in question and I can say, without a doubt, there was no flaking of the skin whatsoever. We’re sorry.”
News in Brief: Saturday, July 3rd, 2004
Mancunian marvel Morrissey met his maker on Monday after having a karmic cardial infarction, caused by decades of healthy living and going to bed early. Morrissey, a lifelong vegetarian and all round stroppy nancy, stammered “look, either those curtains go or I do” then fell facedown on his kitchen floor. During the postmortem, he was found to be clutching a soyburger in one hand and a copy of the Dixie Chick-authored pamphlet “One controversial comment and watch album sales soar!” in the other. The soyburger has been taken in for questioning.
Fellow former Smith Johnny Marr mourned his passing: “we tried to warn him but he was wreckless. You can’t eat muesli for breakfast every day of your life, you just can’t”. His gravestone is to read “I can’t believe that twit Marr outlived me”.
News in Brief: Friday, July 2nd, 2004
President ‘Big Bad Bush’ (as buddies call him) appeared at a press conference recently to address the thorny issues of drug control with top officers in the DEA. Thrilling as it all was for the journalists in attendance, the highlight of their day was most definitely hearing Bush explain away his grazed cheek and slashed wrist. The President recounted tales of alcohol-fuelled physical courage, set in lonely drinking pits in the heartlands of ranch Texas. Journalists were amazed that the usually completely truthful President had the bare faced audacity to construct such apocrypha. It was clear to all that the real story behind the President’s injury had more to do with his recent mountain biking fad.
“The motherfucking topsoil was loose!” said Doctor Turvy McTash later recounting the incident for journalists at his palatial Florida mansion. “But the President didn’t hear me, he was already down by that point. He’d landed in a cactus, but he just picked himself right up and went about his day without issuing a single expletive. His calm Christ-like demeanour made us all feel better about the cunting topsoil that day.”
News in Brief: Thursday, July 1st, 2004
As the war in Iraq goes from bad to worse, the White House has recently announced it is taking radical steps in the hope of bringing an end to the bloody conflict. “Following the highly successful War on Terror ™, we’ve decided to launch a War on War,” said Donald ‘HanoverClub’ Rumsfeld at a recent press conference at his palacial Washington offices. “We will accept nothing less than victory over the enemy, even if we ourselves are the enemy. Admittedly, that does make it difficult.”
Staff Sergeant Frank Emdeekay of the 82nd Sledging Regiment, the appointed commander in chief for the campaign, went on to reveal the strategy: “our involvement now is the only way to solve the problems caused by our earlier involvement. We’re going to move quickly and send in waves and waves of troops to quell the fighting between the Iraqi terrorists and the previously deployed Coalition forces. We shall overthrow the undemocratically installed government and free the country from the tyrannical rule of its oppressors, and by that I mean us.”
News in Brief: Tuesday, May 25th, 2004
Police have been given more time to question several men held over an alleged bomb plot. The men were arrested this week in raids across south-east England, with detectives also seizing half a ton of fertiliser often used as an explosive.
The group of men is believed to be working for infamous south-east fertiliser buyer Giles T. Farmer. In a press conference about the case, a Scotland Yard spokesman said “a close h’examination of Farmer’s accounts reveals this gentleman has purchased several tons of fertiliser over the last few years. ‘E has also purchased large quantities of seeds, corn and a particular type of dairy cow known in the trade as an ‘olstein. We believe this gentleman may be planning to produce terrorist weapons known colloquially as a ‘dirty cow’: ‘e will stuff the cow full of these fertilisers and projectiles and will release it in a crowded metropolitan area. Cor blimey, it could be ghastly.”