News in Brief: Monday, May 24th, 2004
The multi-billionaire steel magnate, Lakshmi Mittal, is to pay 70m pounds for his new home in London making it the most expensive house in the world. The property, a two bedroom flat in East Acton, has been on the market for a little over two months before Mittal put in an offer. Features and fittings of the dwelling include a recently fitted B&Q kitchen, stylish laminate flooring in the living room and a leaky Mira shower.
The house was sold by Formula One racing boss Bernie Eccleston, who bought it for 140,000 pounds three years ago but never lived in it.
News in Brief: Sunday, May 23rd, 2004
There was much panic in Gipton recently after local man Garry fell from a low wall near a Post Office. New World Odour is happy to reveal Garry is doing well. “Things got scary there for a minute, but I was able to take the plaster off my knee this morning and I’m hopeful I can make a full recovery in the next few days,” he said. Good for you Garry.
News in Brief: Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
Hot on the heels of “Pop Idol” (talentless pretty people singing), “Yacht Idol” (talentless pretty people sailing) and “Poll Idol” (talentless pretty people governing), ITV has recently launched the ultimate “…Idol” show: “Idol Idol”.
In “Idol Idol”, religious deities and icons from around the globe compete to discover who really is The One. Early rounds have been tough and seen the elimination of the Hindu god Ganesh, dismissed by judge Pete Waterman because “trunks haven’t been in fashion since the 1960s and don’t get me started on all the arms – Ganesh is just a rubbish idol”.
God (3-1) and Allah (4-1) are favourites to win. The final will be decided in a phone vote but divine intervention is expected. It is suspected that adjudicators Ant and Dec will be “persuaded” to turn a blind eye to this out-and-out cheating through the promise of water into wine, ascendance of the Jiva to the Divine and 72 beautiful virgins awaiting them in the Green Room.
News in Brief: Monday, May 17th, 2004
In the wake of the broadcast of photographs of the crash, a startling new theory has come to light regarding the death of Diana, Princess of Wales. Sir John Stevens, the UK’s most serious policeman as the chief of Scotland Yard, travelled to France to re-enact the final, fatal journey taken by Diana and her love-stud, Dodi Al Fayed.
“Over the past seven years, we’ve looked at all the evidence and closely examined the report produced by French judge Herve Stephan. It’s now clear to me what actually happened,” said Stevens from his palatial Berkshire mansion recently. “All of the discussions to date have missed some terribly vital clues. Firstly, looking around the tunnel reveals a small grassy knoll just south-east of the crash site. I believe that this is key to the renewed investigation as new computer modelling has shown clearly that there had to be more than one source of impact.”
“Photos from the original scene reveal two gentlemen holding hands on this grassy knoll. These gentlemen have been positively identified as Osama bin Laden and Saddamn Hussein. Looking at the car again we discovered that the windscreen appears to have been broken before the crash by something WMD-shaped. Despite the size of it, it’s likely that Henri Paul, an experienced driver, would have been able to avoid this. We looked again at his autopsy report and it revealed that not only was he was intoxicated and suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning, he was, in fact, the musician Elvis Presley. Also, I can categorically state that consipiracy theories circulating about a dog in a white Fiat or the alien spacecraft in the tunnel are completely untrue. We interviewed the dog and the alien and they both were deemed to be driving responsibly at the time of the crash.”
News in Brief: Thursday, May 13th, 2004
The tragically underexposed Beckham(tm) Couple have been having a spot of marital bother recently after David(tm) admitted he regularly engages in group sex romps with himself. “I’m okay unless I get near any reflective surfaces. I mean look at me, you wouldn’t say no would you?” NWO suspects he said. The news came at a convenient time for the couple whose fortunes dwindle for every day they’re not front page tabloid news. “I’m comfortable with the situation,” says Victoria, “after all, not every girl is lucky enough to be married to a man who can lick his own balls.”,
News in Brief: Monday, April 19th, 2004
This week’s Postal Poll: Should NWO make fun of the European Referendum?
Answers on a postcard to the usual address.
News in Brief: Monday, April 19th, 2004
The UK Post Office (nee, Consignicrap) is in hot water again after a a consumer watchdog reported 14.4 million letters are lost by the “clueless fucktards” every year, 60% of which were simply stuffed through the wrong letterbox. Royal Mail spokesperson Patrick Post agreed to talk to NWO on the condition that he could be barricaded safely behind throttle-proof glass for the duration. “Look, delivering mail is hard, okay? I mean you know some people don’t even have numbers on their doors? My god, what a country!” he panted, somewhat pathetically while stroking his black and white cat.
When our mailhound reporter pressed the matter, suggesting the report was even more embarrasing considering the recent price hikes on first class stamps, he became flustered: “listen, the Post Office has got a lot on its plate you know, what with the CIA needing to intercept so much mail and everything. It’s not surprising that, on occasion, items get delayed, misdelivered or opened up by the boys in the mailroom for a giggle. As it is we offer an excellent service, where our customers can stick a 27 pence stamp on an envelope and feel at least 32% certain it will reach its destination untampered with and in a timely fashion. Christ, have you ever tried to post a letter in India? You people are so fucking spoiled. The Royal Mail is the finest postal service in the world! Woo! Yeah!”
We were apparantly sent written consent to publish the words of Mister Post, but all that arrived was a card saying “Merry Christmas Grandma, let’s make your last 3 months special. please call.”
News in Brief: Saturday, April 10th, 2004
The Home Secretary David Blunkett this week cancelled his appeal for permission to charge prison accommodation costs to all those who have been wrongly convicted. The plan failed due to an influx of expense claims filed against the government by uncaptured criminals. Bernard Fairbrow, of Armley, Leeds, committed an armed robbery of a local video shop in 2002 but was never identified. “The way I sees it, Blunkett owes me 2 years of living costs that I otherwise would have not incurred had I been pinched.” The claims vary from around £3000 per year up to a £50,000 lump sum that one glue sniffer demands based on the fact that his life insurance would have paid out as he most likely would have killed himself in prison.
News in Brief: Friday, April 9th, 2004
A ceremony to honour 19th century naval hero Arturo Cockweasel has been held in Chile this week, after the discovery that 250,000 schoolbooks have been ‘sabotaged’ in order to defame his good name. Cockweasel is a national hero who died trying to take control of a Peruvian ship the “Covadonga”. The Covadonga blocked the Iquique harbour forcing Cockweasel’s ship to run aground.
Two 13-year-old students are said to have discovered the outrageous insults to this national icon in their new English language school books. “It was terrible,” exclaimed one of the students (names withheld), “they had changed his surname to Prat, which is a terrible insult in English”. The head of the Chilean education board Septembero Pinochet-Rodrigez said: “To call Arturo Cockweasel a prat is a deep blow to our national pride”.
News in Brief: Saturday, April 3rd, 2004
Internet portal Yahoo! has bought comparison shopping channel Kelkoo for $576million this month. Reports that the site’s name will changed to Yahoo-koo-koo-ka-choo! are as yet unconfirmed.
News in Brief: Saturday, April 3rd, 2004
Advanced orders for Apple’s new smaller iPod have rocketed this week in response to the BPI’s “purge on pirates” warning. Consumer tests have shown the new iPod mini, available in a range of candy-colours, is 75% easier to swallow in the event of a BPI raid than the previous “chunky” version. Headphones with an extra-long wire and a pamplet on intestinal exercises can be bought from the Apple website to ease post-ingestion play.
News in Brief: Friday, April 2nd, 2004
William Gates III, founder of MicroSoft, has today revealed that he will take the opportunity of his upcoming keynote speech at Sharmans Cross Infant School (Solihull, UK) to talk about a new software distribution initiative to be officially unfurled within the next three months.
The news comes in a fiscal climate of an ever-weakening dollar, which has recently allowed Ingvar Kamprad (IKEA founder) to overtake Bill as the world’s richest man. Bill’s latest move, seen by some as a kneejerk reaction to this up-and-coming upstart, will see MicroSoft shipping its software in component form and giving the users the tools to assemble it themselves, cutting out vital overheads in the product distribution process.
In future, computer users will be given the source code to the Windows operating system, a pre-built compiler and a selection of Allen keys. The customer will then have to build the operating system before they can begin using the computer. An added complication is that MicroSoft’s licensing system requires that users not look at the source code. To get around this problem the software giant will provide a blindfold and some dummy source code so that users can practice their compiling technique first, perhaps in low-light conditions.
Administrivia, News in Brief: Thursday, April 1st, 2004
Release of the much-anticipated third issue of New World Odour was unexpectedly delayed for approximately ten months while the authors were held as terror suspects at Guantanamo Bay.
The team of authors say they were subjected to cruel and unusual punishment. “Given the option, we truly would have preferred the usual treatment. Unusual treatment is just too, you know, unusual” said Spork. Daily threats included McDonalds food, Coca-Cola, CNN, re-runs of Friends and viewings of American Pie.
Repeatedly questioned by MI5, FOX news journalists and several trained chimps with rifles, the satirical writers were under extreme pressure to turn each other in. “At one point I almost told them that Susan doesn’t like Hershey bars,” said Edward.
Since their release from Cuba, work on the new issue has been slow as Kev hasn’t dared take off his security goggles and oven gloves and Cal won’t stop humming Bruce Springsteen tunes.
News in Brief: Saturday, May 17th, 2003
Iraqi prankster, Khalid Al-Beadle, caused a “navigational mishap” in West Baghdad during the recent “liberation”. Al-Beadle’s favourite joke, changing the direction of roadsigns, confused coalition troops who were attempting to embed themselves in the pockets of resistance around Baghdad. “We had got as far as Poland before any of the guys realised what had happened,” admitted Marine Commander Frank McYoyo of the 1st Walking-the-Dog division, “we were a little upset so shot some of those commie bastards before about-turning so it didn’t just look like we’d done it by mistake.” Senior officials at US Central Command denied any official invasion of the Baltic state since “every idiot knows you go for Austria first”.
News in Brief: Thursday, May 15th, 2003
Glasgow MP George Galloway has been given the let-go by the gossiping groupees of the general governing group. He has been suspended from the national, socialist Labour party in the UK pending “internal party investigations”.
George, known to his friends as George, is accused of “bringing the Labour party into disrepute” at the centre of claims he was in the pay of Saddam Hussein. Hussein was known to have many body doubles and it has been suggested that he liked to use George for that after-dinner, string-vested, Special Brew-in-hand, pissing-in-a-bus-stop look.