After more than ten years of work the human genome project has finally managed to sequence the human genome in its entirety. DNA, the building blocks of the code for life, carries data determining how human beings are constructed, much like a microwave oven. The project however has not been without controversy. God, the omniscient creator of the universe, has filed a law suit against National (US) Human Genome Research Institute, the company responsible for the bulk of the work. God claims that the researchers have reverse engineered a proprietary copy control mechanism and have breached the DMCA.

“This sequence allows pirates to copy human beings and sell them on the black market, erm, funding terrorism, yeah, that’s the ticket,” God claims. The Deity Industry Artists Association (DIAA) figures suggest that up to $3Bn dollars are lost each year due to unauthorized copying of humans. The Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF) suggest that even without the human genome it is still possible to create cloned human beings, they suggest that DNA is nothing more than a technique for maximizing profit at the expense of the consumer.

Not to be out done by the Iraqi ‘most wanted’ pack of cards issued by the US military, Scotland yard has released its new ‘most wanted’ list on Top Trump cards (example below). “The ten cards are both educational and fun,” said Inspector Robert Bobby, “my son just loves them. He can’t wait to see who is wanted next. He’s got his fingers crossed for another Fred West. Bless him.”

Apple this month introduced the new DU iRaq. All DU iRaqs are constructed of high density depleted Uranium alloy, providing protection against incoming fire. The new DU structure is 40% more radioactive than the ‘PowerRaq’ natural Uranium design, demonstrating that Apple have responded to the customer feedback about slow uptake of genital deformities with the older model. “Battlefield computer storage just got better” said Steve Jobs, Apple CEO. “We expect to be shipping large numbers of these iRaqs over to our boys fighting Saddam, in that Arab country I forget the name of right now.”

The Bush administration this month announced plans to liberate heaven. “The tyranny must come to an end” said George W. Bush in a surprisingly well structured sentence. The Whitehouse suggests that Heaven “shelters terrorists” as “many believe suicide bombers and even Al Qaeda terrorists have been granted a place in Heaven for all eternity.” Heaven is further accused of “not returning prisoners”. “Thousands of our soldiers have died and gone to Heaven during various wars” said US General Thomas ‘Tommyknocker’ Franks. “Heaven has ignored all U.N Security Council demands to return our men, and some of the women. With the fact that weapons inspectors have never been granted access to Heaven under the ‘God’ regime, we have almost all the information we need to invade.” Commander Franks declined to comment further until the results of Heaven’s ‘oil mass balance’ tests are announced.

Recent sightings of Saddam Hussein have strengthened the theory that the former Iraqi dictator is being secretly harbored by a friendly state. The sightings have been clustered around the area of Detroit, USA. Saddam, who won the key to Detroit city in 1980, has traditionally had strong grassroots support in the area, especially from the Christian community.

Saddam has been a long time supporter of Christians in the area, contributing hundreds of thousands of dollars in charitable donations. Randy McChipski a resident from downtown Detroit was awake preparing a late night snack when Saddam appeared. “At first I heard a fumbling and scratching around the door,” he explained. “I could just make out the figure through the door, the mustache, the beret, it was definitely him.”.

When Saddam finally found his key and opened the door, Mr McChipski reprimanded him for being out so late, and probed as to why he smelt of VX nerve gas. Saddam reportedly explained quite somberly that he wasn’t using the nerve gas, but some of his friends were which is why he smelt of it. He was only drinking coke and he didn’t like the taste of nerve gas anyway especially as it makes him cough.

The CIA have made no statement on the sightings as of yet.

Swiss military forces acting under command from Vaduz (Lichtenstein) today took control of an Esso forecourt in the town of Malbun (also in Lichtenstein). The chief of state Hans Addams says that “This projection of power is to show the world that we are not a small country and that we are capable of invading U.S. soil, we can take control of any oil we like, furthermore Richard Pearle is a, how you say, bad-smelling dogs penis.” It is believed that the military action is a result of statements made by Pearle (Pentagon hawk and fraudster) suggesting in a flippant tone that perhaps Lichtenstein should the worlds preeminent “keeper of peace”. Lichtenstein has also removed its ambassador and UN representative Claudia Fritsche from the USA.

The first television channel dedicated to reality TV is to be launched in America in January 2004, it was announced this week. Reality Central will broadcast classic re-runs of American shows (like the time that person on ‘Survivor’ got naked), imported international programmes (like the time that person on Dutch ‘Survivor’ got naked), and Where Are They Now? features devoted to the lives of former contestants (who may, or may not, be naked).

The channel will also contain original programming: namely in-coffin cameras showing BBC founder Lord Reith and John Logie Baird turning in their graves. Viewers can vote, using their interactive handsets, as to which of the corpse gets to leave their last resting place and become the final contestant on this year’s “I’m a dead figure from history, get me out of here!” (currently showing on Sky One).

Colon Bowel today warned of ‘consequences’ if the democrats fail to pull their weight in bringing peace to the world. The warning came amid the latest round of allegations that the democrats were developing chemical weapons, sponsoring terrorism and harbouring members of Saddam Hussein’s former regime.

Bowel said the US congress already has legislation in place which could lead to severe sibilant sanctions against the democrat party. “We believe that punitive sanctions against the dems. are long overdue” said a democrat spokesman. When pressed “are you sure, you do realise that that’s you, right?”, he responded “yeah, we’re with the republicans all the way on this one”.

Hotmail user Buddy VanHolderbeaken was recently shocked to find picken in his in-box. “I’m used to having lots of spam in there but another mixed meat product, well that’s really taking the piss,” Buddy told NWO.

The British government has come under fire for trialling a new military equal opportunities programme during the war with Iraq. In response to the RNIB’s recent statement that unemployment rates for visually impaired people are 2.5 times the national average, Geoffrey Hoon personally hired several sightless sky-captains to pilot helicopters around the combat zone.

To date, there have been no official reports on the success of this programme but independent spectators are reported as saying that “it perhaps wasn’t the wisest thing to do. That young Hoon must be blind or stupid to not realise he was asking for trouble with this kind of venture.” To offer full accessibility in compliance with the Disability Discrimation Act 1995, the government has also initiated sister schemes to this programme, namely ‘Retards into Parliament’ and the currently Kuwait-based ‘Special (Needs) Forces’.

Today in a press briefing given in Doha, Qataar USAF Gen. Casey Chipowski announced that a new type of precision guided munition had been used for the first time overnight in the bombing of Baghdad. The TIT-42 Tomahawk Cruise missiles are able to deliver a Cocktail of chemical and explosive munitions capable of bringing Days of Thunder like a Fourth of July fireworks display. No Vanilla Sky. We can bomb those Iraqis back to the future the general confirmed.

The weapon can be instrumental in supporting special forces in the Risky Business of their Mission Impossible. It features a new super-intelligent targeting system which makes it so easy to use that a Few Good Men can use it effectively with their Eyes Wide Shut. Wing Commander Jerry Maguire is quoted as saying “this weapon is not without its problems. It has such a short range that we must fire it from our Top Gun if we wish it to hit Far and Away. Of our men, a Minority Report that from that far up you can really feel it rain, man.”

Catherine Zeta Jones is threatening litigation against the tabloid press and ‘Hello’ magazine for a recent lack of coverage. Star of “Romancing the Stone” and “War of the Roses”, Jones is reported as saying “I’m far too interesting to be ignored, you ignorant English wankers. I was in ‘Darling Buds of May’ for Christ’s sake, boyo. Look at me! Look at meeee!” Jones’ husband, actor Kirk Douglas (’Escape from New York’), attempted to add weight to his wife’s case with the statement: “I get to bone her. Cool.”

Nasa has released what it says is the most vivid photograph of the infant universe ever taken. The universe hopes they don’t release the ones “where I’ve got my todger out at bath time or the one from my first birthday party when there is crap running out of the side of my nappy. They’re just so embarrassing, dude.”

CNN military pundit Chip Chukowski was discovered trapped today in his armchair. Police spokesperson Burger McPepsi said “Mr Chukowski had become the victim of catastrophic armchair failure”.

Witnesses say he was “right in the middle of a lofty sounding quote from Jane’s Defence when BAM! The armchair just swallowed him right up.” Shock and awe spread quickly throughout the Armchair Generals Guild, who declined to comment for a change.

During their recent searches in Iraq, UN inspectors found a stash of weapons of masturbation in Uday Hussein (pictured)’s bedroom. Upon being confronted with his collection of ‘Nasty Hijabis’, ‘Razzle’ and ‘Big Titted American Women Suck Arab Cock’, Uday is reported as saying “no, Dad, I was looking after them for a friend. Errrm, Iran. Yes, my friend Iran“.