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Deaths this month

News: Thursday, May 20th, 2004

blue peter photoRecent summer-like weather in the north of England can be attributed to Jesus’ new sunbeam collection.

Farm-buyers this month include the Guinness Book of Norris McWhirter, the CEO of McDonalds and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Caron Keating

Caron Keating

Keating joined Blue Peter in 1986, bringing style and charisma to a team otherwise devoid of talent, sex appeal and even the most basic amoebic intelligence.

Like all Blue Peter presenters, she was required to undertake a number of daring reports, including diving with sharks, abseiling down skyscrapers and wearing ra-ra skirts in public. However, she will best be remembered for her skills with toilet rolls and sticky-backed plastic, shown off in full in the bestselling porn title “Blue Blue Peter” and its sequel “The Sexy Blue Peter”, which proved, beyond any doubt, that Mark Curry is a natural redhead (and that Bonnie the Labrador is a natural blonde). Viewers of the teatime programme though might prefer to remember her as the creator of such wonders as the shoebox-Barbie-playpad, a paper maiche Thunderbirds’ Tracy Island and the oddly prophetic “turn-a-carrier-bag-into-a-vomit-sack-for-using-after-chemotherapy”.

Keating will be buried in the Blue Peter garden, alongside fellow fallen comrades such as Bonnie the dog, recently deceased George the tortoise and recently diseased Richard Bacon the cokehead.

Norris McWhirter

A second ‘celeb’ to bite the big one this month is Norris McWhirter: another favourite fixture of BBC children’s programming in the 1980s. John Craven is reported to be very, very scared in case it is some sort of cull.

Norris “Hot Lips” McWhirter, co-founder of the Guinness Book of Records, has died aged 78. He suffered a heart attack while playing tennis at his Wiltshire home; he was drawing the game 15-all but as a massive blood clot clogged his vena cava, he missed a vital shot so died a pathetic loser.

“Hot Lips” co-founded the Guinness Book of Records with his brother, Ross, in the mid-1950s. The book has gone on to sell over 100million copies and over the years, the McWhirters witnessed approximately 49,052 record attempts. Norris himself is the holder of two records: longest living Guinness Book of Records founder and the victim of the world’s most fatal coronary thrombosis on a tennis court. However, his busty blonde widow, Trixie, 29, is trying to make this a posthumous hattrick. “I’ve propped his corpse in a bath of baked beans and if I can live with it in there for 72 days, it’ll make it in the book,” said the leggy ex-model at the press-conference today, “it’s what he would have wanted.”

Jim Cantalupo

Heart-attacks were the way to go this month as fruity Jim Cantalupo, CEO of the little-known fast food burger franchise ‘McDonalds’, gasped his last while experiencing a supersized myocardial infarction.

A spokesperson for NWO said “haarhaha heaheh heh hahah eh hardeeheheh hehe lol hahahaarhheheh rofl hahaahhehehehehahehah hehehahrhahahr heh heh. ROFL eheh heh. ha hah ahehe hehe ahha hehe heh heh heh haha. Bwaha hahahaha heh heeeaaahaaaah! heh haheh ahah heh hahahahahehahahhaaa teehee hah heh haha hahahehaha ha heh ahahaahheh ahe ahaheh muaha ahahahaha ah haha blahehe ha ha he haheheh hah heh hheh haha MUAHAHAHAHA. heh hehe hahah hehe hehah ROFL ROFL ROFL, bwahahahahaahahahahahaha” earlier today.

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5 Responses to “Deaths this month”

  1. sam Says:

    Your website sucks it is so stupid

  2. pete Says:

    UR WEB S U C K S

  3. God Says:

    Ur web even pwns god

  4. Mel Webb Says:

    You’ve got the wrong person – Caron is the one in the middle

  5. mwah Says:

    dumbass…


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