With a number of Internet worms causing problems again over the last few months we’re “re-printing” this old article poking fun at the panic stricken Internet security community. Originally published Autumn 2001.
Last month saw the Internet infrastructure threatened by the 5th horse-person of the apocalypse; the 22nd plague; a creeping death; the seventh seal of computer virii; the true Armageddon. Your first born are not safe. Last month saw the Code Red worm.
The Code Red worm was written by disgruntled FBI agents after, unlike everybody else, they didn’t receive any “I Love You” e-mails last year.
The emotionally unstable government employees prayed upon the weak and feeble software monopolist Microsoft, who have been forced to rush out a fix for their Index server software by the US Government.
“The worm exploited the raw sockets bug I discovered in Windows XP earlier this year whilst I was auditing the default HTML pages I got with IIS” exclaimed the Internet’s designer Steve Gibson, of Gibson Research Corporation. “I tried to warn the community but I don’t think they understood the complexities of the problem, even though I went to the trouble of pull quoting large portions of it in various rainbow colours, and even made some graphs.”
Today the worm entered into its propagation phase which, with currently over 250,000 dormant infected hosts, could be a catastrophic event. Such catastophism needs to be met with some and extreme deadly action. US President George W. ‘The Rock’ Bush reacted to this yesterday saying “Bastard Chinese, this is what ‘Son of Star Wars’ is going to protect us against.”.
Analysts in Tokyo have modified their advanced earthquake prediction system (EAPS!) to track Internoseismic activity, the tectonic tell-tale precursors of ‘trouble’ on the web, and they have disturbing results.
Professor Wasabi Sushi von Noodles* of the The Maltese Cow Institute told us “Something VERY big is on the horizon. We could see the end of all Internet access as we know it. There is only one hope left now.”
His assistant unveiled their plans and explained “We aim to awaken Godzilla from the depths and look concerned as he fights the mighty Code Red Worm-ra. We have organised a meteorite to strike the ocean near Japan to give him one hell of a wake up call.”
“We realise we are at risk of uncovering the lost forgotten egg of Mothra somehow. Mothra is a huge insectine monster that is actually a larger threat than Code Red, but we plan to distract it with a giant light bulb we learnt how to build from the recovered US aeroplane**”.
There have been reports that NASA have increased the security surrounding their control centre, where the Internet is stored. “We’re not happy with the plan. Godzilla is just going to scratch all of our server cases and maybe even knock important things over. He won’t be of any use whatsoever.” said US head Internetician Randy Burger, “Mothra could probably help us out with our aphid infestation though.”
* Any similarity or apparent confusion between China and Japan are purely the result of poor research, general knowledge and racist stereotypes.
** Same applies here.
*** Not here though