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How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

News: Sunday, April 13th, 2003

Fallout Shelter SignFact: Unsurvivable “nuclear winter” is a discredited theory that .. has been used to frighten additional millions into believing that trying to survive a nuclear war is a waste of effort and resources, and that only by ridding the world of almost all nuclear weapons do we have a chance of surviving.” Or, in other words, “only commie pansies want to ban nuk’u'lar weapons. Grow up and take it like a man. A man bunkered down under 4 foot of concrete but a man all the same.”

Top Five Ways to Identify a Nuclear Attack is Taking Place

  1. bright light
  2. heat
  3. loud bang
  4. vaporisation of dining companions
  5. your silhouette etched permanently into nearby igneous rock

MSN have launched a plug-in for its Instant Messenger users, MSN Massacre.

Top Five Helpful Hints for Surviving a NBC attack

  1. When fire, pestilence and internet worms are falling from the sky, you may want to “create a barrier between yourself and any potential contamination outside”. The US Government’s site recommends using “duct tape and heavyweight garbage bags or plastic sheeting” but alternatives are available in the event of a shortage. A boiled condom can be stretched over the head and body forming a spermicidal sheath between the individual and the burning remains of the planet Earth.
  2. In order to survive in your own post-apocalyptic hermatically-sealed world, you’re going to need a supply of food and water. Tinned food works best in these circumstances because:
    1. it is protected from contamination
    2. it has a long shelf life
    3. with several empty tin cans and a rather long piece of string, one may a construct a telecommunications network with coverage capable of rivalling Vodafone without of the downsides of (additional) genital malformation.

    Water rarely comes canned but you’ll still need a lot of it. You may want to go back to thinking about condoms again. A condom can hold ten metric pints of “fluid”. Once filled with “fluid”, this can be safely stored until needed. This amount of time is variable depending on the nature of the “fluid”.

  3. “If you do not have a car, plan how you will leave if you have to” or “If you don’t have a car then you’re unimportant and probably black, gay or vegetarian. The Government isn’t interested in saving you.” Major towns and cities are already trialling armaggedon lanes to ease congestion in the post-apocalyptic commuter rush. These are proving largely unsuccessful but will be rolled out to less-major towns and cities anyway.
  4. Develop a “Family Communications Plan”. Assuming that the staff from your local power company, radio station, ISP and broadcasting organisation made it through the NBC attack and managed to get to work the next morning, you should follow the government’s advice and “watch TV, listen to the radio or check the Internet for instructions.”

    A spokesperson for the BBC has revealed plans for an “Armaggedon Night Special” hosted by Carol Smilie and Eamonn Holmes, featuring quality programming such as “That was your life”, “(There’s no) Tomorrow’s World” and “Seinfeld” (this week, Jerry wonders “what is the deal” with his horrifically mutated skull).

  5. If all else fails, Duck and Cover. Bert The Turtle shows you how to survive a monkey dropping a dynamite stick on you. No advice is given for non-testudines or if the attack doesn’t involve a primate.

Top Five Pastimes to Enjoy in Post-Apocalypticia

  1. Fishing. All the fish will be dead so survivors will have to choose another target. Jewellery of the dead is a possible option. You can personalise the game by digging through the ashen remains your very own family and friends. The catch can be increased with the use of a Dyson vacuum cleaner since the heavy bounty will be forced towards the outside of the cyclone. Dyson vacuum cleaners are protected by so many layers of legal patent-protection that they’ll still be around when cockroaches are running the planet.
  2. ‘Stuck in the Mud’. This variation on the childhood game of tag will be greatly improved after a nuclear holocaust as several players will be not so much “stuck in the mud” as “fused into concrete” and therefore easy targets. They are also less likely to catch you when they are ‘it’.
  3. I Spy. Or rather Eye Spy. Players have ten minutes to find the largest collection of detached human eyeballs. The winner gets to keep all the eyes collected in the game – to use in case their own ocular orbs drop out.
  4. ‘Twister’. The MB classic, which allows relative strangers and strange relatives to mix in a pseudo-sexual manner, can be played unmodified after the armageddon. Mutations to limbs could even make it easier for those involved.
  5. Masturbation. Nothing much will change about masturbation. Except if your genitalia has dropped off. Or you’ve grown a second set.

Top Eight Advertising Slogans in the Smouldering Remains of the Annihilated World

  1. Nike: “Just Irradiate It”
  2. Marlborough: “No longer the leading cause of cancer”
  3. “Radioactive M&Ms melting your mouth and your hands”
  4. Pepsi: “the choice of a vaporised generation”
  5. “Got skin?”
  6. Kentucky Fried Whatever: “NBC Suit Glove Lickin’ Good”
  7. Carlsberg: “Probably the only beer in the world”
  8. Yellow Pages: “Let your fingers do the walking and your mutated ears do the talking”

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