How Princess Di-ed

In the wake of the broadcast of photographs of the crash, a startling new theory has come to light regarding the death of Diana, Princess of Wales. Sir John Stevens, the UK’s most serious policeman as the chief of Scotland Yard, travelled to France to re-enact the final, fatal journey taken by Diana and her love-stud, Dodi Al Fayed.

“Over the past seven years, we’ve looked at all the evidence and closely examined the report produced by French judge Herve Stephan. It’s now clear to me what actually happened,” said Stevens from his palatial Berkshire mansion recently. “All of the discussions to date have missed some terribly vital clues. Firstly, looking around the tunnel reveals a small grassy knoll just south-east of the crash site. I believe that this is key to the renewed investigation as new computer modelling has shown clearly that there had to be more than one source of impact.”

“Photos from the original scene reveal two gentlemen holding hands on this grassy knoll. These gentlemen have been positively identified as Osama bin Laden and Saddamn Hussein. Looking at the car again we discovered that the windscreen appears to have been broken before the crash by something WMD-shaped. Despite the size of it, it’s likely that Henri Paul, an experienced driver, would have been able to avoid this. We looked again at his autopsy report and it revealed that not only was he was intoxicated and suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning, he was, in fact, the musician Elvis Presley. Also, I can categorically state that consipiracy theories circulating about a dog in a white Fiat or the alien spacecraft in the tunnel are completely untrue. We interviewed the dog and the alien and they both were deemed to be driving responsibly at the time of the crash.”