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Know Your Enemy: Christians

Know your enemy: Saturday, April 10th, 2004

Christianity has embraced black people since 1987Kumbyah my Lord, Kumbuy-a-cinema-ticket. Maverick movie maker Mel “Mad Max” Gibson’s new film “The Passion of the Christ” is currently courting controversy and carefully crafted column inches around the globe. The film seemingly provides What Women Want (and men too) from a cinematic story about He who died for our sins. However, Signs are that “Man Without a Face” Mel’s Bounty is not without its detractors. One Conspiracy Theory suggests the film is a Lethal Weapon against Jews and the Jewish faith. Bravehearted Christians, however, believe this is fair Payback for the sentencing and execution of their messiah, carried out 1968 years ago this month.


Forgiveness

Considering Christians hold the act of forgiveness as a central tenant of their self-image (even going as far as to build in forgiveness of trespassers into the Lord’s Prayer), it’s amazing that they can still hold a grudge about the crucifixion of Christ for so long. Al Qaeda stands no chance of being let off the hook any time soon.

Christianity has embraced black people since 1987As with most religions, Christianity is awash with such wonderful contradictions and outlandish tenants that Christians tend to ignore or staunchly defend depending on the day of the week/prevailing political trends/whether you’ve got an election to win in November or not. For example, encouraging people to covet their neighbour’s house/wife/manservant/digital watch/ox/ass is an essential part of capitalist society and eating pig is forbidden in Leviticus 11 but that hasn’t stopped the pork market in the USA (home to the largest Christian population in the world) being valued over $38billion per year.

What would Jesus eat?

Further inspection of the dietary delights of some sects within Christianity are rather more worrying. While Protestant Communion only symbolically links the consumption of the wafer and wine to God’s begotten son, for Catholics, there is essentially no difference between the physical body of the second-in-command and the manifestation of that body in the scratty bit of rice paper on their tongue. To put it bluntly, Catholics are fucking cannibals.

A 3 to 1 mixture of vinegar and holy water should remove that blood of christ from your carpet or vestments.

Cannibalism

Cannibalism is one thing but they won’t leave it at that: before they’re allowed to start on the whole eating Mr Of Nazareth thing, they have to take part in a symbolic drowning from which they arise heavenbent on trying to turn everyone else into one of them. If that doesn’t sound like something from a zombie film, I don’t know what does. Combined this with the fact that they worship someone who actually rose from the dead, we have to face facts: they’re undead brain chompers from beyond the grave. Kill them all!

Not to be confused with:

  • Chris Rea, the man, the voice, the guitar.
  • Chris Isaak, the San Francisco Heart Shaped Baja Devil
  • Cornflakes, the overpriced cereal from breakfast monopolists Kelloggs
  • Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, the.. ouch. pain. ouch.

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16 Responses to “Know Your Enemy: Christians”

  1. Occult Investigator » Zombie Christ Says:

    [...] [thanks to New World Odour for the Zombie Jesus graphic! Also check out their equally awesome image of Catholic Zombie Cannablism from this article.] Read Similar Articles: [...]

  2. Andy Says:

    Catholic aslo symbolize bread and wine during communion to the body of Christ. There is no consumption of meat (of any kind) involved at all! And yes that picture is horrific.

  3. Jill Says:

    Where did the catholic priest corpses come from.. it is a rip off of the Butchered at Birth duo from Cannibal Corpse

  4. dave Says:

    Hey Guys!

    I’m an ex-catholic, and I had a good laugh @ this entry. Since very young I always regarded that “holy flesh and blood” stuff, pretty gruesome. Now I’m a pagan, and live so much happier. Jesus’s zombie prank might be a little too much on many ones sensibility, but the heck…Should the guy really care, let him pop-out and say “hey fellows, don’t mess w/ me anymore” but he seems to be rather fa-ar away, so I think there’s no prob ;)

    Cheers!

  5. megan Says:

    wtf r u talking about cathlics?we do not eat real flesh we do not drink real blood!AND MOST OF ALL WE ARE NOT CANNIBLES! YOU FUCKING PAGEN!AND IF YOU DON`T LIKE TOO FUCKING BAD!!HA! HA!

  6. sin Says:

    your all going to HELL

  7. The Anti-Christ Says:

    That entertained me for a few minuets. i used to be catholic, but i realized at the young age of seven that ‘god’ doesnt really care if you go or not. your just gonna die and fade away like the rest of the world. so good luck with finding god. i am a proud athiest/ satanist. christains just push religion down your throat. no wonder their women can deepthroat better.

    sorry just a bit of humor. oh and im a girl, im sixteen and i dispise all god warshiping religions.okay thanks.

  8. HolyGhostSoldier Says:

    Waw, all I can say waw! really awesome reply’s

    one say im a christian and fuck catholics, and they you said you all going to hell, well you shore are going, jesus says love each other as you love you self.
    And the other one said he was an catholic and at the age of seven he realized got doesnt really care if you go or not, what the HELL is wrong with you, at the age of seven, man i heart story’s betta then that haha, I am a christian and i accepted jesus when i was 12 years old, but didnt take it serious, i felt the power of god and all, but didt took it serious, but then one day at siminar god really hitted me, blam, the spirit of god came in me like nerver before, i couldnt stand on my feed, i felt like high, that what they call, crunk in spirit, yeah !! whuuu whuuu, there is nothing like it, not even a dope can make you feel good like that, i felt like i could fly, it is really sad for me to say but this holle new world website , i mean the people that help to make these articles and stuff, THEY ARE DEATH ALL READY, YOU DONT NEED TO WRY BOAT THEM, OR WHAT THEY SAY, CUZ THEY DEAD ALREADY, CUZ THEY BLASPEMY GOD AND MANY MORE, STRAITH TO HELL FOR THEM, ETERNALL LIKE IN HELL. THERE IS ONLY ONE LOVE, ONE GOD, ONE WAY. JAH JESUS CHRIST ! YEAH! WE KEEP IT CRUNK IN THE SPIRIT.YEAH!

  9. HolyGhostSoldier Says:

    OH AND ONE MORE THING WHEN THAT HOLY SPIRIT CAME IN ME , I WAS 16 YEARS OLD, AND NOW I’M 18, HOW ABOUT THAT? HUH! YEAH! IT SEEMS LIKE ‘LL BE LIVING A REALLY GOOD LIFE. MAN JESUS SHIT HIS BLOOD FOR US , STOP ACTING LIKE HE DIDNT COME DOWN OR DIE OR SOMETHING, TRUST GODS WANTS THE BEST FOR YOU, BYE BYE

  10. caddyshack Says:

    ummm….. holyghostsoldier, i think god need to give you the gift of ‘grammer’.

  11. badsqwerl Says:

    Heh. The illiterates that have left comments are yet more proof that Christianity is the religion of the simple-minded. Why put forth the effort to think for oneself if one can stuff one’s brain with dogma? I grew up Lutheran, then I went to college and got a REAL education. It’s nice to think for myself. Blessed be.
    Oh yeah, and “HolyGhostSoldier”…if JESUS SHIT HIS BLOOD FOR US like you say, I’m sure not touching that communion chalice! Gross! As if cannibalism weren’t bad enough!

  12. Jacob RIchard Ford Says:

    Actually Brazil is home to the largest Christian population in the world…it’s sad to see that the christian haters are as vile and factually inaccurate as ever. I suppose when you curse yourself you bear no fruit!

  13. Colin Says:

    JESUS SHIT HIS BLOOD FOR US! DANG!! HolyGhostMotherFucker! You make it sound so COOL!

  14. riverstyxshow Says:

    Why do you all hate each other? I am Christian and I just want to say that attacking each other is not the way. To both the Christians and non Christians on this forum all your doing is making yourselves look bad. Christianity is based on forgiveness and turning the other cheek so attacking someone over the internet over their article is a very non Christian thing to do. I hate to be cliche’ but really can’t we all just get along?

  15. Slayersangelripper Says:

    Fuk yea! u guys got that last Pic. from Cannibal Corpse, Butchered at birth!

  16. Sam Chou Says:

    Here we go again. A bunch of uneducated haters who haven’t even read the topic which they hate about. Face it, you haven’t read the Bible cover-to-cover do you, and yet you criticise Christians for not following the “rightful doctrines” you assume to be true based on your shallow understanding and interpretation of whatever scraps of bible verses you polish off other like-minded haters.

    Prove it! When Yeshua appeared to Simon Peter to tell him there is no such thing as an unclean animal, also implying a double message that there is also no unclean person that a Jew may not eat with. YOU GET IT? I don’t think you are presently intelligent enough to comprehend that the bible uses analogies, parables, dual prophecies and other symbolic, figurative literary terms.

    Do yourself a favour and go back to school to learn literature. By the way, renegade Christians are responsible for their own actions and does not change any of the doctrines in the bible. They are responsible for their own behaviour and actions.

    Farewell, and I hope you will thoroughly research on any given topic before you criticise it. Criticising with evidence is perfectly fine, but being an ignorant fool just makes people like me laugh. Goodbye.


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