Kumbyah my Lord, Kumbuy-a-cinema-ticket. Maverick movie maker Mel “Mad Max” Gibson’s new film “The Passion of the Christ” is currently courting controversy and carefully crafted column inches around the globe. The film seemingly provides What Women Want (and men too) from a cinematic story about He who died for our sins. However, Signs are that “Man Without a Face” Mel’s Bounty is not without its detractors. One Conspiracy Theory suggests the film is a Lethal Weapon against Jews and the Jewish faith. Bravehearted Christians, however, believe this is fair Payback for the sentencing and execution of their messiah, carried out 1968 years ago this month.
Considering Christians hold the act of forgiveness as a central tenant of their self-image (even going as far as to build in forgiveness of trespassers into the Lord’s Prayer), it’s amazing that they can still hold a grudge about the crucifixion of Christ for so long. Al Qaeda stands no chance of being let off the hook any time soon.
As with most religions, Christianity is awash with such wonderful contradictions and outlandish tenants that Christians tend to ignore or staunchly defend depending on the day of the week/prevailing political trends/whether you’ve got an election to win in November or not. For example, encouraging people to covet their neighbour’s house/wife/manservant/digital watch/ox/ass is an essential part of capitalist society and eating pig is forbidden in Leviticus 11 but that hasn’t stopped the pork market in the USA (home to the largest Christian population in the world) being valued over $38billion per year.
What would Jesus eat?
Further inspection of the dietary delights of some sects within Christianity are rather more worrying. While Protestant Communion only symbolically links the consumption of the wafer and wine to God’s begotten son, for Catholics, there is essentially no difference between the physical body of the second-in-command and the manifestation of that body in the scratty bit of rice paper on their tongue. To put it bluntly, Catholics are fucking cannibals.
Cannibalism is one thing but they won’t leave it at that: before they’re allowed to start on the whole eating Mr Of Nazareth thing, they have to take part in a symbolic drowning from which they arise heavenbent on trying to turn everyone else into one of them. If that doesn’t sound like something from a zombie film, I don’t know what does. Combined this with the fact that they worship someone who actually rose from the dead, we have to face facts: they’re undead brain chompers from beyond the grave. Kill them all!
Not to be confused with:
- Chris Rea, the man, the voice, the guitar.
- Chris Isaak, the San Francisco Heart Shaped Baja Devil
- Cornflakes, the overpriced cereal from breakfast monopolists Kelloggs
- Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, the.. ouch. pain. ouch.