Know Your Enemy: Grapes

They’re small. Theyre inoffensive to the eye. Their juice is one of the main ingredients in Vimto. But you hear me now, theyre evil. Pure EVIL. Not bin Laden evil, or even Dubya evil, but naked-Toyah-Willcox-bent-over-with-a-banana evil.

Grapes are one of the top causes of slipping accidents in supermarkets. This is a FACT: old people (and people whove seen those “have you had an accident in the past three years” adverts one to many times) have a penchant for slipping on them. This is not because grapes are small, liable to roll or slippery when squished but because they are psychotic sibilitic assassins hellbent on seizing society’s sibilance. They will kill us all one day, you mark my words.

Also, larger grapes are roughly the same size as eyeballs or testicles and the edible berries might use that to their advantage: if youre stupid enough to let them into your home, make doubly sure that the fridge door is shut at night, lest you will wake up in the middle of the night to find a grape plucking out your ocular orb (or your scrotal love spheroids) in order to cunningly substitute itself thus. Think of the havoc they could cause! They would walk people into lampposts and down holes, and breed human-grape halflings that would grow up and make a bid for world leadership. Where would it end? Armageddon, thats where. Grape-Man would be idly wandering around the control room, slip on himself and accidentally push the button.

Even if the world managed to survive the bombardment of nuclear warheads exploding haphazardly, and the resulting fallout, the next person to approach the button would find it covered in sticky grape juice and that would be far from pleasant, especially as you know, just know the first thing to be used up in a post-apocalyptic world would be all the wet wipes.

Even in their undead form (raisins), the world is still not safe from their nefarious appetite for destruction. Just put them in some lemonade and you will see how truly wrong they are. The only way to contain their wrath is to cover them in chocolate and consume them at a high velocity. The only way to eradicate un-undead grapes is to irradiate them.

Not to be confused with: bum-grapes, apes (including chimpanzee, gorilla, gibbons, George W. Bush) or legless flies.