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London bombs: Queen not dead

News: Thursday, July 7th, 2005

breaking news: queen is okThe news that the nation has been waiting to hear has finally been confirmed: frequent tube traveler Queen Elizabeth II has announced that she is alright. She then went on to stun reporters by claiming to be shocked by the events rather than express smugness or take responsibility herself for the explosions as had been predicted. … With at least 33 people reported dead and hundreds more injured, other important and famous people are jostling for attention. We, being the obedient lapdogs of the elite that we are, give it to them.

Tony Blair

“It’s clear that if we hadn’t invaded Iraq, these explosions might have been much louder, with some fire maybe. I’m still confident I was right to illegally invade Iraq and kill tens of thousands of innocent people. We used tanks and depleted uranium, and all they can muster is a few bus bombs? ha!”

Lord Sebastian Coe

“This isn’t about the G8 meetings, it’s clearly about my successful 2012 Olympic bid. Al Qaeda know the Olympics are a shining example of freedom and democracy, if you ignore all the advertising deals and the tax money that’s spent on it against peoples wishes.”

Tony Blair

“Actually Lord Coe, I’m pretty sure it’s about the G8. We have George W. Bush for heavens sake. All you have is one of the spice girls.”

The Queen

“One is ok. There is no longer any need to worry. Luckily there were 3 horses and a palace between me and the explosions.”

David Blunkett

“These terrorist explosions made me go blind. Also masturbation.”

Charles Clark

“I bet you’ll fucking accept the ID card system now you fucking twats.”

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5 Responses to “London bombs: Queen not dead”

  1. neilb Says:

    I am waiting for a statement from David Beckham. He’ll have something to say about it. It’ll be on the front pages tomorrow. Mind you, that’s if Pete Doherty, Jordan, Jodie Marsh, Robbie Williams or any of society’s pillar’s of strength, decency, taste, compassion and intelligence doesn’t get in first.

    Ahhh… British media and the fools that fund it… us.

  2. Fin Says:

    Hah! Very good…

  3. neilb Says:

    Ah. I was right. According to the Sun Newspaper, headlining is “55 people in London Terror Attacks”… and “Suicide Bomber on the number 30″…

    Well, according to the police, and every other news source, 37 are dead…

    And using my own eyes, I believe that the bus was a number 205. Cos that is what the number was on the front of the bus. [Unless I am very mistaken, if so, sorry].

    And no-one has mentioned a Suicide Bomber on the bus. Not even the police or any other news source. Are the Sun privvy to information that the authorities aren’t? If so, I suggest they inform them, along with submitting the forensic evidence… that the scientist (with massive experience) have failed to see.

    AND OTHER THING… ITN News with Sir Trev McDooogal – could the news make any more of a sensationalist event… long pauses… meaningful words… bollocks.

  4. dick van dyke Says:

    the queen is a great shag

  5. Kentan Says:

    Hilarious! Modern ‘comedians’ could learn a lot from you guys!


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