Mancunian marvel Morrissey met his maker on Monday after having a karmic cardial infarction, caused by decades of healthy living and going to bed early. Morrissey, a lifelong vegetarian and all round stroppy nancy, stammered “look, either those curtains go or I do” then fell facedown on his kitchen floor. During the postmortem, he was found to be clutching a soyburger in one hand and a copy of the Dixie Chick-authored pamphlet “One controversial comment and watch album sales soar!” in the other. The soyburger has been taken in for questioning.
Fellow former Smith Johnny Marr mourned his passing: “we tried to warn him but he was wreckless. You can’t eat muesli for breakfast every day of your life, you just can’t”. His gravestone is to read “I can’t believe that twit Marr outlived me”.