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Muslims go home

News: Saturday, July 9th, 2005
Arab with Falcon
British Muslims urged to blend in

Muslims in the UK have been advised to stay indoors to avoid revenge attacks over the bombings in London today. Concerned about a possible backlash, the British Ministry of Islamic Human Rights has issued a list of recommendations for Muslims in Britain to follow:


Stay indoors. Do not leave your house.
The government can provide “accommodation” for those having difficulty accepting this recommendation.

Record telephone calls

Make audio recordings of all your telephone calls. This can be used by the police to protect you somehow.


Do not use the phone and avoid the Internet, which could expose you to certain difficult truths.

Surrender passports

Surrender your passport to the nearest police station. This will protect you from identity theft.


The Government has also prepared a colour leaflet containing instructions on how to build your own electronic tagging equipment. They recommend wearing this at all times, except in the bath, where you should instead be handcuffed to the towel rail.


It is recommended that all British Muslims consider converting to Christianity. After all, whilst you might not agree Jesus was the son of god, you have to admit he was a pretty nice guy (except for all the terrorism).

Photo by Mark Karstad

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5 Responses to “Muslims go home”

  1. pantou Says:

    The met issued the following safety advice for anyone travelling on the underground.

    1) Carry a bottle of whiskey with you at all times – taking the occasional swig.
    2) Eat a bacon sandwich and/or pork scratchings.
    3) Carry a copy of Hustler – pausing to show your travelling companions any interesting pictures.

    Our highly trained officers will use the above indicators to assure themselves you are not a muslim fundamentalist (or a brazillian electrician … Oops!) and avoid shooting you if possible.

  2. Tim Says:

    So I suppose by your sanctimonious denigration that any person who is not a muslim feels obliged to drink alcohol at each and every given opportunity, is a pervert and indulges in pornographic viewing, and has no concept of proper social decorum and shares said pornography with passers by?
    Get off your moral high horse!!!

    If there is any animosity between the self righteous Muslims (and these muslims are in a class of their own) and the ‘infidel’ it is because of your unrmitting, misguided and unjustified sense of moral superiority.

    I have many Muslim friends at Uni, and I am friends with them because they know that we must all be more understanding and accomodating of one another and to abstain from passing such derogatory and sophomoric barbs such as the ones that were shared above.

    If you have nothing prodictive to share, learn how to shut up.

  3. The Pope Says:

    Tim, he said muslim fundamentalist, not muslim.

    Thanks for the rant though.

  4. edjack Says:

    I deleted a bunch of racist comments from here.

    The New World Odour does believe in freedom of speech but doesn’t have to provide a platform for it.

    Expect a summary containing some of the more hilariously misguided comments some time soon.

  5. Atheist Says:

    I can’t feel sorry for any religious type. If people are hiding in their houses, maybe they rightfully should be ashamed.

    I would be too if I was a muslim.

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