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Non-Renewable Resource Found to be Non-Renewable: World Shocked

News: Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
Robert Kilroy-Silk-Cuts
Robert Kilroy-Silk-Cuts

As OPEC puts on the squeeze and petrol prices rise, the country was shocked to discover that oil, as a non-renewable resource, is in fact, non-renewable. Political leaders have joined the general population in a state of amazement.

Conservative leader Michael Howard put the blame solely in the hands of the Labour government, blaming Blair and his “government’s successive taxes on petrol” for the situation. Howard, speaking from his palacial Folkstone mansion, expressed concern: “one day, the oil will run out then how will people travel from their country homes to their pied √° terres? It’ll be a sad day when a man has to leave his two 3ltr Jaguars in the 6-berth garage and take Merc to the city instead.”

UKIP figurehead Robert Kilroy-Silk-Cuts pointed the finger the another way, accusing the EU of squandering the oil reserves. “If you look at any village in the south of France, or in Spain, or in one of those pokey places out to the East like Germany, you will see every man, woman and child guzzling down large quantities of oil with their breads and cheeses, all subsidised by the British taxpayer,” Kilroy-Silk whispered seductively while setting his eyelids to bat on “woo” mode. “For every ¬£10 the average British worker pays out in tax, the equivalent of over 27,000 Turkish Liras goes to Europe and pays for the frogs’ and dagos’ oil habits. That’s 193 Laos Kips! 88 Zambian Kwacha! Eighty-eight! All frittered away on silly subsidies!”

Labour leader President√© Blair countered Kilroy’s anti-EU argument – and the argument that the resource was running out at all. “Gosh, nothing could be further from the truth. Every day, people ask me ‘Tony, is it running out? Is it really as non-renewable as they say?’ and I can, hand on my heart, reassure them that many non-renewable resources, whilst certainly less renewable than most resources, can and might not be so less renewable than people might and can prove, oh no. Vote Labour. Peace out ma niz.”

Head Lib-Dem honcho, Charles “Chuck” Kennedy managed a more positive viewpoint. “Issallghud,” he said from his home-from-home, Oddbins. “Isss gonna be fine because I fuckin’ love you, man. An’ fuckin’ OPEC, fuckin’ kings of men they are, fuckin’ kings. Isss all gonna work out jhus’ fine, like in the movies.”

NWO on the streets


“It’s all just bullshit. How can we run out of oil? I saw a whole aisle full of Castrol at Halfords the other day. And my Discovery has a 93litre tank. That lasts me near a week sometimes so I’ll be fine.”
Maria, Consultant consultant, Leeds

Rainbow Lovecharm

“I think the oil farming methods are cruel and unnecessary. If everyone supported their local wholefoods supplier and bought organic oil from them, the problem would pretty much solve itself.”
Rainbow Lovecharm, Dreadlock-smith, Skipton


“I don’t like it one bit”
Dave, Shrew Farmer, Tingley


“The problem isn’t a problem if one thinks about it logically. The lack of creatures from the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods is causing the lack of oil. With properly directed resources, we can recreate them from DNA traces found in amber and their chewing gum deposits and then in, say, 100million years we’ll have oil again. Problem solved.”
Hilary, top scientist-style boffin, Kent

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3 Responses to “Non-Renewable Resource Found to be Non-Renewable: World Shocked”

  1. lauren Says:

    omg shut up

  2. lauren eats cock Says:

    lauren: omg die

  3. haha Says:

    Actually check in forbes magazine.

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