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Open Letter to “President” Bush

News: Tuesday, April 8th, 2003

The Commander in Chef, George UU. BushDear “President” Bush.

we are writing to you in the hope that you can read. If not, we trust someone will read it aloud for you. Hi Tony.

We are avid watchers of the television (which we am sure you will appreciate) and we could not help noticing the unpleasant situation in which the international community now finds itself. May we be so bold as to propose a radical new solution. Don’t be afraid, it isn’t communism, it’s something even better.

First, let me outline what we understand to be your current motives for “war” “with” “Iraq” and the possible opposition that “unreasonable” elements within the international community may “unreasonably” cite in order to justify their “unreasonable” vetos.

      Iraq has illegal weapons of mass destruction.
      Iraq has links with terrorism/Al Qaeda.
      Saddam is a dictator who uses chemical weapons against his own people.
      Sweaty Arabs.

Let us deal with the possible opposition to these statements. Bear in mind we am playing devils advocate here!

1.WMDs. No one believes you. Everyone knows you sold them anything they may have over a decade ago. Even if it still exists, they have the old stuff; we all have the new stuff. They have Al Samoud missiles; we have Al Samoud repellent spray. The fact that weapons inspectors have nothing credible after searching hard proves they have no arsenal of any real scale.

2.Terrorism. No one believes you. Even a man of the magnitude of Colon Bowel could not convince the security council of this one. Saddam would never work with a CIA operative, let’s get real! And as for ending world terrorism, even your own state department expect that “overthrowing Iraqi President Saddam Hussein is unlikely to generate democratic reform in the Arab world.”

3.Dictator. Even Jack Straw does not believe you. As recently as 2001, Jack Straw was turning down Iraqi asylum seekers saying that “[a prisoner] could expect to receive a fair trial under an independent and properly constituted judiciary.”

4.Smell. Good point, but not a vote swinger. The poor body odour of the Arab nations is well documented and is cited as one of the reasons the Israelis build large prison-like walls around the occupied Palestinian territories.

Sounds bad, doesn’t it? How can one make the best of such a situation? Our answer comes in the form of an alternative battle plan.

Our plan involves using sleight of hand to shift the focus of attention from Iraq, a country which produces 2.6 million barrels of oil a day to England, a country which produces 2.4 million barrels. This is a slight downgrade but we think the sell may be a tad easier (even France have pledged military assistance). Besides, it is much less distance for the troops to travel and they can still get “Big Macs” in the field. We will outline our reasons for the new target.

1.WMDs. England has illegal weapons of mass destruction. England holds the fifth largest nuclear arsenal in all the world. The first of its four Vanguard class nuclear submarines (the Vanguard) was commissioned in 1994 in clear contravention of the UN Non-proliferation treaty (NPT) on nuclear weapons.

2.Terrorism. England funded Islamic Extremist groups (Al Qaeda) to the extent of 100,000 pounds in 1996 in order to carry out illegal overseas assassinations.

3.Dictator. El presidente Blair is a self appointed dictator, in his six year rule, England has gone from civil unrest to economic turmoil and back again. His oligarchy comprises himself, his (now estranged) gay lover Gordon Brown and members of a clandestine neo-hippie new york rock act who came to prominence in the UK in the early 1990s. There are many opposition groups waiting to take over should “regime change” occur. The most credible opposition would either be the exiled members of the “Take That” group or the one-handed military rule of General Eamonn Holmes. The UK regime also has a bloody history of deploying chemical and biological weapons on its own people. For example, in 1991, the then-ruling government illegally injected chemical and bacteriological agents into 50,000 of its troops serving in the Persian Gulf. 2,000 of these troops are now ill and 400 have died as a result. Some members of that cabinet even made their own children eat infected British beef. The English people need guarantees that this kind of terror will not be seen again.

4.Smell. Stinky Arabs. Maybe the proximity to the odorous French (cheese eating surrender monkeys) would be just as good. Sniff tests confirm that most US voters wouldn’t know the difference anyway.

In summation, sir, we strongly suggest halting your war with Iraq, and instead bring peace and your unique brand of democracy(tm) over to the impoverished people of England.

Thank you sir.


The New World Odour

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One Response to “Open Letter to “President” Bush”

  1. Oddball Says:

    Totally cool article I love it.

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