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Roadmap to the Axis of Peace

News: Sunday, May 4th, 2003

Middle East A-Z mapPolitical leaders across the Middle East are considering their responses to the long-delayed presentation of the so-called “roadmap” to peace in the region.

Understanding that some people in position of power have learning difficulties and/or are stupid, NWO has drawn up its own peace atlas to the region in these terrifically turbulent but terribly terrific times.

Country by country, this helpful dossier combines useful information, helpful travel advice and the great American plan for its future. Tony Blair has also made his own contribution by providing a ‘Do they have WMD?’ rating. He has promised, crossed his heart and hoped to die (or at least ‘sticked’ his finger is his eye), to resign if he is wrong on any of his comments.

The information can be transferred onto flash cards or cut-and-paste into a “Learn with Barney” program to help intellectually-challenged commanders in chief pick up the valuable material herewith.

The McPromised land, the choice of a \"liberated\" generation. (What\'s the worst that could happen?)

Previous Name: Iraq

US-sanctioned New Name: New South Dakota
Tony’s ‘Do they have WMD?’ rating: “I am absolutely convinced and confident about the case on weapons of mass destruction ? I think that when we [find them] you [sceptics] will be eating some of your words.”
Percentage of Americans that can’t find it on a map: 87%
Helpful travel advice: Always stop at roadblocks and check news reports hourly to find out whether certain cities (eg Basra) are in coalition control or not. Or are. Or not. Or are.
The Plan: In his speech on 1st May 2003, George W Bush announced that “the major combat operations have ended and… reconstruction has begun” and consequently “any violence still taking place was probably just a drunken tiff about pork or a wifebeating which is sanctified by their hokeypokey religion so we can not interfere with their way of life”. Bush also took this opportunity to unveil the proposed new map of the state (left).

Previous Name: Syria

US-sanctioned New Name: New Kentucky
Tony’s ‘Do they have WMD?’ rating: Colin says yes and I have to agree. After all, why would he lie?
Percentage of current American presidents that can’t find it on a map: 100%
Helpful travel advice: avoid the George W Bush roundabout at rush hour and in the afternoon on match days.
The Plan: On his tour around Spain, Syria and Lebanon (aka ‘Operation Those Bastards Are Next’), Colin Powell will be singing folk songs about ‘the great white men from across the big sea’ to Damascus school children. Powell’s visit is “intended partly to warn Syria to end what Washington says is its support for terrorism” but also as “a reward to Syria for listening to American demands not to harbour fleeing Iraqi leaders”. Powell is also reputedly scouting around for holiday home locations for when the three countries are New Arizona, New Kentucky and New Vermont respectively.

Previous Name: Israel

Previous Previous Name: Palestine
US-sanctioned New Name: United States of Lovely Jewish People and Towel Heads
Tony’s ‘Do they have WMD?’ rating: Nope, nope, certainly not those lovely people.
Syria’s ‘Do they have WMD?’ rating: “The only party in the region with weapons of mass destruction is Israel. If Israel is the only country, then why are the accusations against Syria?” Syrian envoy Fayssal Mekdad
Helpful travel advice: Steer clear of the West Bank, Gaza, Tel Aviv, Hebron, Bulldozers, people from Derby.
The Plan: After years of careful deliberation and brainstorming by top US thinkers, it was the hardy Slashdotteers that provided the structure for the final plan. After trying and failing to successfully use the usual “in Soviet Russia…” or “all your blank are belong to us” responses, the three stage model (1. Implausible idea, 2. ???, 3. Profit!!) proved irresistible to the diplomats charged with writing the historic paper. The much vaulted document therefore reads:

  1. End violence in Israel
  2. ???
  3. Permanent status agreement/end of conflict!!

Previous Name: Algeria

US-sanctioned New Name: South Central North Africa Beach Boulevard
Tony’s ‘Do they have WMD?’ rating: an International Atomic Energy Agency inspection noted no evident motivation to acquire nuclear weapons so yes, uh-huh, definitely.
Reason to be classed as “Middle East” despite being in north-west Africa: a French colony until 1962. They deserve it, the bastards. Quebec is next.
Helpful travel advice: When visiting the archaeological sites on the edge of the Sahara, do not lean your head forward when some passing fellow says “excuse me, meister”. This will give him the perfect opportunity to hit you over the head with some blunt instrument and whisk away you and 30 of your tour mates.
The Plan: Once Algeria has been assimilated into the axis of Just ™, Hollywood studios will be poised to take advantage of the vast sandy expanses available for a cheap, non-unionized price tag. The third installment of Star Wars (“Menacing Attack of the Phantoms”) is set to be filmed there and talks are in progress to remake many old sandy epics such as ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ (although to downplay Middle Eastern connections the remake will be known as ‘Larry of Somewhere Sandy’). “It’s great!” exclaimed studio executive Ben McJerry, “we’ve never had such a convenient location setting before. It’s not like we’ve got a desert on our doorstep, in like Nevada or Arizona.”

Previous Name: Saudi Arabia

US-sanctioned New Name: Saudi Arizona
Tony’s ‘Do they have WMD?’ rating: Osama bin Laden is from there. So obviously.
Fun fact: The first Saudi Arabian McDonald’s opened in 1993. There are now over 70 restaurants across the provinces including two “in the holy city of Mecca – a place sacred to Muslims throughout the world”.
Helpful travel advice: If you are a foreign national and if you value it at all, do not wear your head out of doors.
The Plan: According to Gulf News, Saudi Arabia is to develop a $22 billion tourist industry: employing around 2 million more jobs and raising the current annual number of visitors from 20.8 million to 44 million over a 20-year period. Prince Sultan bin Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, chairman of the Supreme Commission for Tourism (Kingdom of Saudi Arabia) expects tourism to be pulling in $22 billion a year by 2023 rather than current measly $9.64 billion. Not wanting to lose out on these big riyals, the US is to hold off invading the peninsula until all the hard work and money-generating infrastructures are in place. Once there are Radisson hotels in every nomadic outpost, the coalition will book in for a regime change (with en suite bathroom).

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