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Sonia Stalker Slays Mother

News: Monday, April 5th, 2004

Sonia digs Lizard WoganSome say the scouse singer, songwriter, seamstress and stage superstar Sonia has achieved more in 32 years than most people dream of in a lifetime(tm). However, once you discover her real age is 257 it doesn’t seem like much to be proud of. Despite that, the new world odour team can reveal exclusively the shocking details of a murderous conspiracy against whom Sonia is our last best hope.

Conspiracy

The latest conspicuous signs of the conspiracy came on a quiet Friday, the 26th of March. This date is very significant. If digits 2, 6 and 3 (for March) are added together, one obtains the number 11, which obviously signifies that fated day in history, etched on all our souls, September 11th (when, in 1970, Ford released the Pinto). The 26th March will also live in infamy forever more though, because on that very date this year, Peter Andrews (44, of Leicestershire) gave testimony under oath in a court of law.

Peter Andrews

Andrews is convicted of killing his mother (Joan Andrews, 80) by means of a Diazepam overdose before finally decapitating her with what police describe as a ‘DIY’ electric chainsaw. Andrews raised many concerns about the fairness of his trial, which are understandable given the background. Andrews claims that the UK was invaded in 1990 by Germany in what effectively constituted World War III. A secret, silent world war. He goes further to suggest that German satellites can read his thoughts and transmit them to the population at large (which is how we know that he touches himself inappropriately) and that he was part of an underground resistance movement allied with, you guessed it, Sonia.

Sonia digs Lizard WoganThe main affront to freedom in this trial was the UK judiciary’s insistence on populating the jury with human beings. Humans, of course, can read the defendant’s mind, and are likely to be a part of the worldwide conspiracy against whom Andrews fought. The only way to ensure a fair jury would be to make sure it was composed entirely of (friendly) extra terrestrials. God only knows what Andrews will face now that he has become victim to our corrupt system of law and sanity.

Interview

We ask Sonia directly, what now? What now, for us, and for Andrews? What now for the resistance movement? We contacted Blackburn Sachs Associates (agents for S.O.N.I.A. – Sanity is Overrated Now Is the time for Action).

NWO: What is Sonia’s opinion, generally, on post-mortem decapitation? Is the chainsaw the best tool for the job?
SONIA: Let me first tell you what we are dealing with here. Joan Andrews may have looked like a defenseless old lady to you people and your readership. Of course, nothing is further from the truth. When it is time to feed on human blood and she takes her true form of 12ft Anunaki lizard from the fourth dimension, she will come after YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. There is no question, you decapitate that motherfucker. And a chainsaw is a good tool for the job.

NWO: Does Sonia also believe the Germans have controlled the UK since the start of World War III in 1990?
SONIA: It’s not a matter of believing, let me tell you, it’s FACT. And our resistance movement is growing. It was just a few of us at first, me, Craig [McLachlan] and Shane [Richie]. But support is growing fast. As many people are starting to realise that the German invaders are being controlled by the Anunaki Lizards. Why do you think we wear turquoise shellsuits? For fun?

NWO: Can Sonia describe why extra-terrestrial jury members can not read a human defendant’s mind? What is Sonia’s opinion, generally, on extra-terrestrials appearing in British juries?
SONIA: Humans must be removed from the court room for trials to be fair, that much is known. But when these Lizards are in blood-drinking feeding-frenzy time, nothing is gonna save us, except for guns, guns and chainsaws. Decapitation is the only way to fight them. In the courts, all is already lost.

NWO: Has Sonia ever had personal contact (intimate or otherwise) with either Peter Andrews or his mother Joan (now sadly deceased)?
SONIA: Only psychically.

NWO: What is Sonia’s preferred type (and/or brand) of underwear?
SONIA: For day to day wear, I prefer the standard bodyshape brief: the no-nonsense style meshes well with my personality. But, for those special nights in, I go for something cheeky in pink chiffon preferably something which combines the short and thong look, sexy yet comfortable. As for brand, well, I couldn’t possibly advertise – that could jeopardise any future work with ITV.

NWO: Any last thoughts?
SONIA: Only a psychic message, and two liminal messages: wear turquoise and kill the lizard-men.

Ever on guard against blood drinking Anunaki lizard men of the fourth dimension, the NWO editorial team wholeheartedly agrees with Sonia’s sentiments, and hopes to avert the end of the world – because as bad as this one might be, better the devil you know…

* Sonia’s answers may or may not reflect Sonia’s actual answers.
** Sonia’s answers may or may not reflect gamma radiation.
*** Sonia may or may not have used the word “motherfucker”.

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