This month saw the 1967thish anniversary of Jesus rising from the dead. Christians see this as a wonderful event in the holy calendar. Anyone that has seen a zombie film though, knows it is a time to RUN FOR YOUR LIFE (or at least walk slightly faster than the standard zombie drag).
Mimic “Halloween 2″ (easily the best first-sequel in the Halloween series) by boiling him in a jacuzzi. Lure the zombie saviour into a nice warm spa bath by telling him the candles and aromatherapy oils are “just the thing” he needs after all that stressful rising from beyond the grave. Wait until he is happily settled in (probably using one of the jets for personal pleasure) then wack up the heat to max and simmer for a good ten minutes. Season to taste.
Advantage: the leftover water would make a good soup stock (possibly to replace the wine/wafer as the blood/body of Christ in a Catholic mass. There are a lot of Catholics out there so you’d make (another) killing.
Disadvantage: He may still be able to walk on water so you might end up just warming up the soles of his feet.
2. Head in a vice
Staying with the movies theme, borrow from “Evil Dead 2″ and “Casino” with a little ‘head in a vice’ action.
Disadvantage: you’d have to get close to him to do it and therefore might get squirted with eyeball juice.
Advantage: with the whole carpentry link, he might have a vice about his person that you could use – it would save you a trip down to B&Q.
Convince him that he is the king of rock and roll as well as the king of kings. Send him to Vegas and buy him a mansion. Introduce him to cheeseburgers and a variety of narcotic substances. Et voila! He’ll be dead on a toilet in no time.
Advantage: it’s a non-violent method so therefore would be suitable for Buddhists and squeamish people.
Disadvantage: have you ever heard “Blue Suede Shoes” in Aramaic? Not pretty, not pretty at all.
4. Squirt him good
Clearly, holy water won’t be any defence against the wrath of a flesh-eating undead messiah, so you’ll need to use acid. Or semen. Whichever you can source quickest.
Advantage: You can fire the chosen liquid from a water pistol, distancing yourself from your target.
Disadvantage: It takes quite a lot of semen to fill a super soaker.
Crucify him then dump his body in a cave, with a big boulder in front of the only exit. Just this time, make sure it is done right – pour 300 galleons of epoxy resin in there too.
Advantage: once it has all solidified, you can use the cave as a tourist attraction.
Disadvantage: Tourists. And you might get sticky. From both the resin and the tourists.