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Sweet Zombie Jesus: Top 5 ways to kill a raging undead son of God

Know your enemy: Sunday, May 11th, 2003

Artist\'s impression of how scary Jesus might look if he came back to life to find chocolate companies getting fat-rich from EasterThis month saw the 1967thish anniversary of Jesus rising from the dead. Christians see this as a wonderful event in the holy calendar. Anyone that has seen a zombie film though, knows it is a time to RUN FOR YOUR LIFE (or at least walk slightly faster than the standard zombie drag).

1.Boiling

Mimic “Halloween 2″ (easily the best first-sequel in the Halloween series) by boiling him in a jacuzzi. Lure the zombie saviour into a nice warm spa bath by telling him the candles and aromatherapy oils are “just the thing” he needs after all that stressful rising from beyond the grave. Wait until he is happily settled in (probably using one of the jets for personal pleasure) then wack up the heat to max and simmer for a good ten minutes. Season to taste.

Advantage: the leftover water would make a good soup stock (possibly to replace the wine/wafer as the blood/body of Christ in a Catholic mass. There are a lot of Catholics out there so you’d make (another) killing.

Disadvantage: He may still be able to walk on water so you might end up just warming up the soles of his feet.

2. Head in a vice

Staying with the movies theme, borrow from “Evil Dead 2″ and “Casino” with a little ‘head in a vice’ action.

Disadvantage: you’d have to get close to him to do it and therefore might get squirted with eyeball juice.

Advantage: with the whole carpentry link, he might have a vice about his person that you could use – it would save you a trip down to B&Q.

Artist\'s impression of how scary Jesus might look if he came back to life to find chocolate companies getting fat-rich from Easter

3. Overindulgence

Convince him that he is the king of rock and roll as well as the king of kings. Send him to Vegas and buy him a mansion. Introduce him to cheeseburgers and a variety of narcotic substances. Et voila! He’ll be dead on a toilet in no time.

Advantage: it’s a non-violent method so therefore would be suitable for Buddhists and squeamish people.

Disadvantage: have you ever heard “Blue Suede Shoes” in Aramaic? Not pretty, not pretty at all.

4. Squirt him good

Clearly, holy water won’t be any defence against the wrath of a flesh-eating undead messiah, so you’ll need to use acid. Or semen. Whichever you can source quickest.

Advantage: You can fire the chosen liquid from a water pistol, distancing yourself from your target.

Disadvantage: It takes quite a lot of semen to fill a super soaker.

5. Crucifixion

Crucify him then dump his body in a cave, with a big boulder in front of the only exit. Just this time, make sure it is done right – pour 300 galleons of epoxy resin in there too.

Advantage: once it has all solidified, you can use the cave as a tourist attraction.

Disadvantage: Tourists. And you might get sticky. From both the resin and the tourists.

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133 Responses to “Sweet Zombie Jesus: Top 5 ways to kill a raging undead son of God”

  1. New World Odour » Blog Archive » Know Your Enemy: SARS Says:

    [...] renous and the infection spreading to your cranial cavity; brains being eaten by a raging undead son of God. Not to be confused with: the South African Revenue Service, SARS [...]

  2. LATINHOTTIE Says:

    I THINK THAT’S NOT SOMETHING POEPLE WOULD ENJOY LOOKING AT.. TO ME IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR MAKING FUN OF GOD’S SON HAHA I JUST FORGOT TO LAUGH…. HOPE YOU MAY BE FORGIVEN FOR SUCH PICTURE..

  3. emett Says:

    I think that you guys are retarded little fucks, who cant get pussy thats why you make fun if something that is not funny, i think that you should stop pretending that YOU HATE THE WORLD and do something productive such as getting a job, get a date or someting and stop being such a little fucking retarded god forsaken dateless wonders o by the way your mom needs to use the phone for bible class so get out of the fucking basement and got to work or some shit……. bye you cock sucker sons of ass raped bitches..GOD BLESS YOU

  4. Bubba Zombie Says:

    Now that is some funny ass shit ! I don`t beleive in god or jesus and never have, But this is so funny I had to send the page to my friends .. Thank you for the laughs

  5. not emett Says:

    emett is clearly the guy getting a little touched by his dad. maybe what you really want to do, emett is get out of the basement where your daddy keeps you in chains in just your underwear and run before zombie jesus podcasts your ass.

  6. Sir Beef Says:

    hehe, i like your site and people are way to touchy about things, like the person who said, HOPE YOU MAY BE FORGIVEN FOR SUCH PICTURE.. well cause that’s what jesus really looked like i’m sure,all religions have their flaws and people who type things like that should get a life.

  7. kungfoofairy Says:

    I dressed up as zombie jesus for halloween. I was an instant hit!

  8. Phil Says:

    I want to thank you for this advice.
    Now, I will be prepared if that summa-gun ever decides to come back.

  9. Dr Alfred C Pantehausen Says:

    During my time in Lodon I was visited by a zombie Jesus after each trip to the local pub. ‘He’ sometimes appeared after a visit to the general store as well. I feel this is probably because a general stygian manifestation settles into a profound, appropriated and euphuistic affectedness that transcends the aspirant nature of universally assumed malapropism and leaves the viewer without an enforced state of pretentiousness or ostentation; winsomely savouring a seductive acquiescene that doesn’t degenerate into a conterminous circumspection of ennui but rather as a prolegomenous interlude that heralds a greater appreciation of callipygian dimensions

  10. nicw Says:

    HAHAHAH, this is bad ass

  11. capuns Says:

    6. A nice clean shot in the head from a reasonable distance (not too close to get splattered, not too far to miss the show).

    Just get me a gun and I’ll do it. I’ll show those Roman bastards how it’s done.

  12. capuns Says:

    emett Says:
    September 16th, 2005 at 4:21 pm
    I think that you guys are retarded little fucks, who cant get pussy thats why you make fun if something that is not funny,

    you were making fun of jesus because you can’t get pussy?? that is twisted, man

    I know, let’s make fun of this guy’s grammar instead!

  13. kev the dentist Says:

    priceless. this one`s getting posted on the aol bible bashing godbothering message boads.

    nothing better than a bit of fun at the expense of the xtian fundies.

  14. kev the dentist Says:

    also, i reckon if jc came at me looking like that i could make a few quid sticking some veneers on those gnashers

  15. 667 the neighbor of the beast Says:

    That makes me happy in my pants!!!!

  16. sheena Says:

    you guys are sooo mean to do such thing like this its real stupid cuz if u dont believe in jesus then u guys have no life .honstly its the stupid thing i ever seen in my life and god knows what to do with all of u but anyways god forgive everyone who laughed and made funn of son of god…one more thing god forgive who made this web and who did the pic

  17. N.I Says:

    GUYZ I DONT CARE WHO EVER U R THIS IS NOT FUNNY UR REALLY STUPID AND U HAVE NO LIFE THATS WHY UR MAKING FUN OF JESUS CUZ U HAVE NO BRAIN TO THINK BUT YOU WILL SEE AT THE END!. NOW UR MAKING FUN AND LAUGHING BUT AT THE END U’LL CRYYY WHEN U SEE JESUS!!!!!!! U’LL CRYY WHEN U SEE UR SELF BURNING!!!! U GUYZ HAVE NO FREAKIN LIFEE AND UR REALLY IMMATURE PPL!!! WHAT KIND OF PPL R U??? SOO STUPID AND IMMATUREE!!! FOR REALL BUT ANYWAYZ GOD KNOWS WHAT HE IS GOIN TO DO WITH U IN THE SECOND LIFE!!

  18. sheena Says:

    this is unbelievebl that u guys are doing this if u think its funny its not at all.And if u guys dont believe in jesus then u should get a life even if u dont just keep ur mouth shut and dont do such stupid thing like this respact other people that do believe in him.And one more thing to say GOD forgive the people who are making funn and laughing about this web and specially the person who mad this web and the pic.keep laughing and make fun of son of god and he alone know how to deal with u guys anyways god forgive them thats all i can say.

  19. N.I Says:

    GUYZ I DONT CARE WHO EVER U R THIS IS NOT FUNNY UR REALLY STUPID AND U HAVE NO LIFE THATS WHY UR MAKING FUN OF JESUS CUZ U HAVE NO BRAIN TO THINK BUT YOU WILL SEE AT THE END!. NOW UR MAKING FUN AND LAUGHING BUT AT THE END U’LL CRYYY WHEN U SEE JESUS!!!!!!! U’LL CRYY WHEN U SEE UR SELF BURNING!!!! U GUYZ HAVE NO FREAKIN LIFEE AND UR REALLY IMMATURE PPL!!! WHAT KIND OF PPL R U??? SOO STUPID AND IMMATUREE!!! FOR REALL BUT ANYWAYZ GOD KNOWS WHAT HE IS GOIN TO DO WITH U IN THE SECOND LIFE!!

  20. Orele Says:

    its just a funny pic…why do christians get pissy when someone is having a lil fun. Its not like anyone is forcing you to look unlike the way you force your beliefs on the rest of the world. im not a god basher or anything but dont be such an ass when people laugh at things that you find distastful.

  21. xaeon Says:

    haha i fuckin love you guys ^_^

    i love every blasphemic thing about christianity… ESPECIALLY the zombie jesus article. i laughed my fuckin ass off lol.

    i wish these chriatian faggots would read up on the Davinci code… could learn alot about their sorry ass religion.

  22. N.I Says:

    WHATEVER U SAY I REALLY DONT CAREEE WHAT I CARE IS THAT I BELIVE AND TRUST IN GOD AND JESUS!!! NO MATTER WHAT AND I WONT CHANGE IT.
    PLUSS IF U THINK UR RIGHT UR NOT AT ALL IF U DONT BELIVE IN JESUS THEN U BELIVE IN WHATTT??? IN MOUHAMAD OHH YEAHH DONT LET ME TALKABOUT HIMMM TOO AND MAKE FUNN CUZ ATLEAST IM GONNA RESPECT UR RELIGIONN IM NOT AN ASSHOLE LIKE U GUYZ!!!!

  23. SHENA Says:

    NOW U GUYS ARE PISSING ME OFFF FOR REAL IF U DONT STOP IT I’LL START TALKING ABOUT FUCKING MUSLIMSSS CUZ I HAVE ALOTT TO SAY ABOUT FUCKING MOUHAMD AND I DONT CARE SO PLEASS STOPP THIS NOWWW OK FUCKIN RETARDED U GUYS HAVE NO LIFE THATS WHY U R DOING THIS BUT ANYWAYS WELL SEE AT THE END WHO WILL CRY LIKE A DOG AND IF U GUYS THINK U R HAVING FUNN U SHOULD GO MAKE FUNN OF MOUHAMD IT WILL BE MORE FUNN TRUST ME

  24. SHENA Says:

    YOU GUYS ARE PISSING ME OFFF FOR REAL NOW, SO HONSTLY IF U DONT STOP THIS I HAVE ALOT TO SAY ABOUT STUPID MOUHAMD OK BITCHES.AND DONT LET ME START TALKING ABOUT FUCKING MUSLIMS AND IF U REALY WANNA HAVE FUNN U CAN GO MAKE FUN OF UR SELF OR MOUHAMD CUZ IT WILL BE MUCHE FUNNER TRUST ME BITCHESSSSS..
    IM OUTTTTTTTTT

  25. emett Says:

    xa= God eon= with dude you should know first what does your fuckinng nickname means fucking fag

  26. salustiano tiedra Says:

    why are u doing this u son of abitch

  27. C01eMaN! (David) Says:

    I’d Rather Worship The Band Than Some Dead Fucker, if “GOD” really happend but science has proven otherwise and i beleive what i see so i beleive in SZJ
    And I Also Beleive That SZJ is a Really Awsome Band That Also Beleives In their fans
    they also look after their fans new year ma m8 got kicked in the face n phill went nuts n threw
    him out :D
    im outta here cya’s ;)

  28. jeanette Says:

    well.. very interesting. I will keep it in mind incase the bastard comes back to get me! \m/
    keep it real motherfuckers

  29. Jimbo Says:

    This is funny as fuck! Jesus (if he was alive) is now dead, so why not make a comical zombie out of him? It’s all good advice for if it ever happens. What would people prefer? Getting their guts torn out and eaten by an undead zombified Jesus, or kept alive to worship him more if they believe? They’re fair points, like.

    Class site, dudes (whoever you are :S)
    Kisses to all xxx

  30. Aaron Kinney Says:

    Grow up, retards.

  31. Keith Says:

    He dies and comes back
    Undead walking among us
    Get stakes and garlic

    That was My ‘Frightening Jesus Death Haiku’

  32. Satan's left hand Says:

    hehehe I like sacralige of the christian kind keep up the good work. And in the famouse words of the jurnalist fromm fear and loathing, which is the holy gossple in it’s own right “Don’t take any gup from them swine!”

  33. miku Says:

    haha.. humorous…

    no offense to those who read it and took it as an attack on your beleifs,but get a sense of humor. if he replaced the name jesus with billy bob, you wouldn’t even read it.
    relax, the article is a joke (a funny one too) and remember, the first ammendment goes two ways, if you can say what you want so can someone else.

    oh, people who swear alot on the posts, when ever you can simply say a curse word, try to put more thought into what t is you say. curse words only make you look uneducated.
    do us a favor, and pick up a dictionary please.

    ps. i rather enjoyed the article

  34. miku Says:

    by the way. i love # 3…

  35. James Du Bose Says:

    This is by far the most amazing peace of work I have come across about zombies. Thanks for the laughs.

  36. Passionate Conservative Says:

    I’m sure all the Christians are going to riot and destroy buildings over this one. After all, we are morally equal with the Muslim riotors over “Big Mo” cartoons, right?

    Seriously, I’m Christian, and didn’t find this offensive. I can’t even say it’s blasphemous, unless the artist is a Christian as well.

  37. crackaslacka Says:

    I love how the “Christians” are the ones with the worst spelling and the most hateful words. I shrugged my shoulders at the humor. Not my cuppa. But man, the responses lambasting the article are hilarious. Really renews my faith, so to speak, in the American education system. No, seriously. I’m not kidding.

    Okay, I was.

  38. asian Says:

    HAHAHAHAHA…WOW.ok. listen.
    first of all…
    there are like…fucking thousands maybe millions of people out there that don’t even believe in god. and all you christian people[not all, but most] spend your whole fucking life trying to convert people to believe in christianity..

    i’m not trying to critize your beliefs, so don’t fucking critize mine..
    you tell me i’m going to hell? well what i believe in…there is no hell. so suck it.

    second of all…people have different beliefs. you don’t need to spend all your time trying to convince people that there is a god. you just need to think of it as, “ok..well it’s up to them.”
    because, IT IS up to us…it’s our fucking life, and it’s what we want to believe in.

    and thirdly…how the hell does calling people dumb names prove that there is a god?!telling people that they are stupid cocksuckers or fucking pussies does not make you cool…and it certainly does not prove that there is a god….like, seriously..
    so quit being stupid and actually think about that before you try to make a point.

    and wow..this was a complete waste of my time. & i’ll probably never look at this dumb website again..so if you have anything that you want to say to me..IM me. s/n: ThatAsianIsCool

    -songyi-

  39. Jae Says:

    What makes you so sure he is a zombie and not a vampire? He does encourage his followers to drink his blood and feast of his flesh. Very vampiric if you ask me. I think you completely missed the point when he said he would be back to get everyone…. Sheeesh. Zombies.
    Could also be why crosses kill vampires?? I mean, I would be afraid of a cross if I were him too.

  40. ian roberts Says:

    hahah i’d stick to classic zombie movies and pop him in the face with a shotgun :D

    and if jesus comes back.. we’ll kill him again

  41. gods little hater Says:

    wow guys this is amazing and rocks!! i want to go kill a jesus right now!!!!!!!!

  42. Bry_Guy Says:

    I view stuff like this a breath of fresh air. I’m just tinkling and leaving my scent, I as well well most likely not be coming back to this site. Fortunately, even as a child I never felt the need to allow religion to be stuffed down my throat or let it intimidate me. I don’t go through life preaching about the lack of god therefore I don’t appreciate having being preached to about the higher power of others. We make life way more complicated than it is, behave.

  43. Tink Says:

    Thanks, I needed a good laugh at someone else’s expense. Sad part is I thought the bible thumpers outrage was funnier than the zombie jebus killing tips (although I am forever grateful for the tips). People need to lighten the fuck up. If you’re going to get upset about it all, and tell someone you want the most heinous things to happen to them because they had some fun…don’t put “god bless you” you at the end of it. They didn’t sneeze and you obviosuly don’t know the meaning of the word hypocritical :)

  44. Shamus Says:

    Wait a second didn’t Jesus say turn the other cheek. Doesn’t it say in the Bible judge not lest ye be judged. Love the sinner hate the sin. Thank you Christains for once again hipocriticaly proving every unbelievers view: That you a a bunch of oversensitve sheep, who have invested so much of your time and effort into story, cont…

  45. Shamus Says:

    That you are a bunch of oversensitve sheep, who have invested so much of your time and effort into a story which someone, at some point in your life, has told you was the “truth, the light and the way,” That you can’t take a realistic view on your beliefs. Instead you have to lash out in defense with ignorant name calling and threats. You all have doubts about your beliefs. The only thing that keeps you believing is the fear of burning for eternity in a place called Hell. Which, by the way, is a manmade fabrication meant to control you. Hell or Heaven, given the choice it’s an easy one. Unfortunatly, you don’t have a choice since both are as fictional as the merry ol’ land of Oz. Walk out of the Christian lifestyle today! Remember, no one has to be a Christian. You were not ‘born that way’. There is hope. You can leave your destructive lifestyle.
    http://exchristian.net/exchristian/2002/08/dear-believer.php

  46. Webmusher Says:

    Wow, I’d made the vampire connection but I gotta admit that the Zombie angle has it’s merits, of course you are going to go to Hell after being torn asunder by a horde of Bible Thumpers with Bush in ’08 Buttons.

    Just be thankfull to what ecer Zombie God you worship that you did not parody Muhammed, them Izlames get real pissy about that sorta thing.

    http://akdates.com/koran.html

  47. Pere Ubu Says:

    Zombie Jesus?

    It’s actually the VAMPIRE JESUS – he gave his BLOOD for you and now HE WANTS IT BACK!!!

  48. mikey Says:

    7. Suet Zombie Jesus

    Unleash 1000 ravenous woodpeckers (which would make a pool of pirahna blink) a la Hitchcock.
    Advantage: Great entertainment for the whole family – you could even sell tickets – and clean up will be a no brainer, or much else for that matter.
    Disadvantage: Ticketron will be a tough sell…

  49. Jesus Christ Says:

    Absolutely hilarious! I knew someone had to do it, of course, but the joy of Free Will is seeing HOW you do it. Wonderful!

    Mo’ and I and the Eternal Robot Lord (you don’t know about her yet) are having a great time watching the whole thing, but I have to say it’s getting a little old being razzed for having followers that can’t actually spell. I mean, a couple thousand years ago, sure, I can understand a little bit of illiteracy here and there, but there are plenty of opportunities to learn.

    Mo’ (who’s a bit more cynical than I am, I suppose) suggests that folks are ALWAYS idiots, but that we just can’t tell when they speak out loud. I disagree — I can tell even when they DO speak out loud. It doesn’t take a lot.

  50. Edd Gein Says:

    Reply from a friend on our email list:

    “How gracious of you to send that out. It must be great
    to be unencumbered by the niceties of interpersonal
    diplomacy.

    You have an incredibly repellent personality, but who
    cares when there are unapologetic “Christians” that
    need mocking. I’m sick of it, take me off of your
    email list, I have absolutely nothing left in common
    with you or any respect for that matter.

    ps – to anyone who thinks I’m too sensitive, shut up
    and grow a pair. I’m just saying what some of you
    might think. Principle wasn’t always defined downward
    in this social group. “

  51. cordelia Says:

    This is very funny, and I am sharing it with the members of my zombie defense team.

  52. Judas Iscariot Says:

    “Now, now, now, what would Jesus do, well let me tell you what he’d do, he would leave a trail of goo, when he prays he prays on you.” -Schaffer The Darklord, ‘Night Of The Living Christ’

  53. Slappy Says:

    Does this mean that the Kingdom of God after the apocalypse will actually be full of killer christian zombies? That will truly be hell on earth for us nonfundamentalists, because we’ll be forced to run slightly faster than the, uh, enraptured while always aiming for the brains of God’s Chosen. And I thought the fundies were evil flesh-eaters while they were alive… .
    Also, I see a sequel: The Father, the Zombie Son, and the Holy Ghost of the Zombie Son vs. Mostly Everyone Else.
    Finally, why are so many fundie christians subliterate? Coincidence? I doubt it.

  54. Thor Says:

    I don’t care if it rains or freezes
    ‘Long as I got my ZOMBIE Jesus
    Riding on the HOOD of my car
    Through my trials and tribulations
    And my travels through the nations
    With my ZOMBIE Jesus I’ll go far

  55. St John the Blasphemist Says:

    Ahh I see the connection. It seems Jesus has already returned & has been infecting people for quite some time. Looking at how many people have died by the hand of the Jesus zombies, and the recent increase in the number of Jesus zombies who endorse these killings, it seems to be spreading rapidly.

    We must find the head zombie & kill it (using the abovementioned methods), so that the other zombies (many of whom have made their presence known here) may have their souls back.

    St John the Blasphemist
    Saint of Blasphemy

  56. Atheist Says:

    Brilliant work. Thanks.

    Please do something on Mohommed with young girls, Buddha getting fat and preaching tolerance and stuff like that.

    submit it at http://believed.org and I will be happy to publish it instantly. This is good work.

    Greg

  57. dick van dyke Says:

    just wacked off in his face and nothing happening how long will it take to kick in??? please reply soon i feel he’s getting agitated

  58. dick van dyke Says:

    no worries i found a vice

  59. dick van dyke Says:

    what shall i do with the headless corpse???

  60. dick van dyke Says:

    crusifixion!!!!!

  61. dick van dyke Says:

    now i can fell my day is complete

  62. dick van dyke Says:

    FEEL!!! i must apoligise spelling is the last thing on my mind after that ordeal

  63. Rivfader Says:

    LOL!

    You know what, people who complain about this.

    Why don’t you USE your indoctrinated brains to think about your OWN opinion, instead of taking something stupid as christianity for granted.

  64. Rivfader Says:

    See it like this:

    God is like santa, you believe it at first.
    Parents should tell their children the truth about BOTH.

  65. Shawn Says:

    I wish people would wake up and realise that the bible was written by roman and jewish rulers who knew how to control their people by fear,you see death was not enough to scare people back when it was written,they seen crucifictions all the time it was their form of entertainment, seeing them put to death was like watching fear factor. But if you tell them if you do something bad you will not only die a terrible death but your soul will burn forever and ever.hence the bible struck fear into them
    creating this elaborate placated disease called christianity.As for Jesus go see the davinci code, maybe that will shed some light on him,and his wife Mary’s lie.I
    ll leave on this thought.
    ~imagine theres no religion~ John Lennon
    It’s easy if you try…

  66. pissed off oompaloo pa Says:

    you suck how dare you deface the son of god?! he died for you and you criticize him! God is fair and you will be hammered for it!!!

  67. Shawn Says:

    I wanna die like jesus christ and have dumbasses worship me.

  68. Eco Man Says:

    This site seems to have two purposes. 1) To be funny and 2) to offend. Well, you certainly seem to have offended plenty of people, so I’d say that’s a 50% success rate.

    Yes, plenty of the posts by offended ‘Christians’ are irate, illiterate and not exactly in keeping with Jesus’ preachings on love and tolerance, but then the posts are hardly any more level and informed by people berating Christians as stupid, unable to think for themselves and yet at the same time spouting drivel about the non-existence of God being ‘proven’, or implying that the Da Vinci Code provides any kind of ‘proof’ of anything (good read, but some of the links so are tenuous that it takes ‘suspension of disbelief’ to a new level).

  69. Eco Man Says:

    Finally, yes you have the right to express your opinions and beliefs, but people also have the right to be offended by them. The problem is that you decided to express yourself by being offensive, so you shouldn’t be surprised when people are angry and offensive in return.

  70. Ryan Says:

    Ah Genius. What I love most about posts that riducule religion in some way is their comments. Honestly the number of Christians I’ve seen replying with anything even remotely Christian is staggering. Even funnier is that pretty much all of them say stuff like “your a retard, you will go to hell, i hope you die you cock sucking faggot ” or something to that effect.

    Please note that the quote above had intentional bad spelling and grammar – it was a quote! :)

    Your arguments show that you’re not at all Christian in behaviour, but only in name, in which case you’re all gonna default to hell anyway! If it even exists! I’ll see you there – I’ll be the one riding the unicorn.

    Also, to those who think that the author of this is going to hell just because of this picture, hahahaha. Haha. Hahaha. I hope you realise that all the picures of Jesus you worship are probably just as bad in terms of inaccuracies – I mean, really, how many white people were wandering Jerusalem nearly 2000 years ago?

    Does this now mean that practically every Christian in America is guilty of ‘worshipping false idols’? Probably not, because what many seem to forget is that it’s the idea that counts, not the details.

    Christians (and most other religions bar Buddhism) across the ages have made it their duty to persecute others in the name of God, and modern day Christianity seem more about beating down the non-conformists. Why do you care whether or not I go to heaven? What difference does it make to you? If heaven’s so bloody great, then surely you sould be happy that you’re gonna go there, and you should feel sorry for those who don’t, instead of spouting insults and breeding hate.

    Your unacceptance of others is your downfall. Jesus didn’t care about your sins, he just wanted to save you of them.

    I’m not a Christian though. It amazes me how perfectly intelligent people believe in some mythical figure in the sky suddenly got bored with infinite blackness and created everything in our universe. Why bother to create anything other than the earth, and maybe a giant blanket with loads of little white dots painted on? Why would he sit back and watch us destroy each other, when he could be having much more fun amoungst us? Is it a game? Doesn’t sound very benevolant to me? Maybe heaven is where you get tortured, and hell is where you get to do what you want?

    Anyway, if Jesus does finally arrive, I’ll treat him to a fat spliff and a sit down, and I’ll ask him for you.

  71. YOU DONT WANNA NO Says:

    DUDE SERIOUSLY IF I EVER SEE U IN THE STREET IM GOIN TO SHOVE A POLE THORUGH YOUR HEAD U SOB

  72. Father Mathew Says:

    My child your words are words of an atheist you dont deserver to be in the lords grace and when you finally parish may god have mercy on your sould for the devil will have none.

  73. God Says:

    In fact, I will sent 1000 zombie jesus mutants to earth soon.

    THOU SHALT DIE!

  74. God Says:

    And, my son, do not try to access my website, your IP shall be traced and upon my call Gabriel will hack thee.

  75. Jesus Homo Christ Says:

    Oh no! You mortals have discovered how I really look like!

    Now, the time has come to descend to earth and kill thee in an allmighty bloodbath, where I for once shall feast on your meat.

    Thou shalt tremble, my mortal minions!

  76. Jesus Homo Christ Says:

    And to my minion, going by the name of “YOU DONT WANNA NO”..

    You are more then welcome to shove that pole up my ass when I arrive on earth tomorrow *winks*

  77. Lee Says:

    Hehheehe very funny. Bit bizarre but well worth a chuckle

  78. The Sean MacDonald Experience Says:

    I was just wondering…I was actually writing a short film as a follow up to The Passion called Zombie Jesus Cometh and I stumbled upon this.First of all…hilarious. Secondly…I was just wondering if I have your clearance to use the Jesus grafic in a small picture I have on my site. It’s not for any promotion or anything…just merely because I’m too lazy to photoshop my own. Email me and let me know. Thanks.

  79. jonesmikey Says:

    I’m surprised nobody commented on the Muslim insults from the thumpers. They think that because we don’t believe in Yahweh or Jesus’s divinity that we have another religion. There ain’t no Yahweh. There was the big bang and billions and billions of years and here we are now. And how ’bout those comments ’bout Mohommed anyway? Hey, not all Muslims committed 911!! It was a small fringe that don’t reflect the religion’s belief! That’d be like saying all christians are branch davidians that drive explosive laden trucks into buildings in Oklahoma City. Yeah, instead of nuking the middle east, which I know you whacko bible thumpers and conservatives wanna do, why not blow up the bible belt to get at the fundamentalist evangelical christians?

  80. Thynameislegion Says:

    Wow…
    Zombie-christ…
    Now that would be one Hell of a thing to dispose of…
    could always say to him i worship saan and then turn the tables on him by eating him…
    might not be tasty but he will deffinatly be gone…
    and once you’ve digested him you’ll have holy-shit…

    The new musical ‘Zombie-Christ Superstar’…

  81. Jesus Freak Says:

    May you guys be blessed in the name of Jesus Christ. I love you. God will forgive if only you ask…

    -l-

  82. The Anti-Christ Says:

    ha. jeasus would tottaly look like that. -clicks gun- hell i know i would shoot him in the head. but i would be more creative when i killed him. this is how:

    i would first lure the zombie into a house. then with the lights out, hit him in the back of the head with a baseball bat until his skull is crushed. then, you take him into your bathroom, slit his throat, cut off all of his limbs and send them to the pope in a large box, leaving a nice little note. after that you still have a decaying corpse so…you must de-flesh him and then make a stew. give it to the local church for their charity dinner. after that..oh my we still have the head. personally, i would shove it on a pike and place it on my front lawn as an ornimate.

    but that’s just me. i’m a kid. i’m a girl. and i love to plan out sadistic and messy deaths. thanks for your time. keep up the good work.

  83. ally Says:

    Very clever! My personal choice of zombie disposal is a giant woodchipper or meat grinder.

  84. FOREVERMAN Says:

    I had never seen the Mel Gibson christ movie.After 30 years of studying the facts of existence…This whole thing about people that take systems of belief serios is just whack to me.So I am waiting for the end of the movie…and they just show the “son of GOD”‘s ankle with this perfect see through hole in it??? The morons that made up this garbage seemed to leave out the little fact about the 10,000 years of man killing one another over religion. And boy do they like to kill for christ!!It is the living that we have to worry about…Ow…what ever happened to the “son of god after he became a zombie???It’s not in the La Biblateca…Maybe he started a dark ages piercing shop! By the way…the Romans would of had crucified people everywhere.They crucified large percentages of the population of europe and the far east.If it wasn’t for Constantinople…Christianity would never have caught on as a fad.

  85. Christ illusion Says:

    First of all id like to start off by saying that i am unreligious (all though i love slayer and satanism sounds kinda cool).
    The people who are gettin pissed about zombie jesus are kinda stupid. Even if there is this “god” whos so great, i dont think he’d get that mad about this site. I mean it isn’t really harming anyone. If their is a god he would just want us to be as happy as possible and wouldn’t care about stupid shit like gay marriage and abortion.

  86. Anonymous Says:

    i hope to see more web sites like this.
    reason…U WILL ALL BURN IN HELL!!!!!hahahahaha jesus rocks!!! MAY SATAN FUCK U ALL!!!

  87. JESUS CHRIST SON OF GOD Says:

    U KNOW SATAN DOESN,T LOVE U AND NEITHED DO I.
    U WILL ALL BURN IN THE FIRES OF HELL UNTIL HELL IT’S SELF IS DESTROYED.
    AND IT WILL BE!!!
    LOOK WHAT MY FATHER ANGELS DID TO SODOM!!
    WORSE WILL HAPPEN 2 U.
    IN THE NAME OF MY FATHER, MYSELF & THE MY HOLY SPIRIT!
    I REBUKE U ALL TO HELL!

  88. Shawn Says:

    Jesus was middle eastern he was not white!I repeat Jesus was not white.So Jesus was more like Saddam Hussein instead of a 60ish hippie type.
    So when they put Saddam to death we can have a zombie Saddam to go with the zombie Jesus. would be a killer combo.Coming to a theatre near you
    Zombie Dictator vs Zombie Messiah!
    As for all you So called christian’s talking shit,you need to get an education get your GED ,and stop fucking your cousin.
    wake up and realise your so called god doesnt exist if he did and I dis end up in hell I’d be glad because I would not want to end up in the same place as you for all of eternity…..To me that would be hell.

  89. God's Agent - Davestar Says:

    Know your enemy… You have a purpose to do these things and We know that we failed to prevent the one soul released riducule comments about Jesus Christ. One account add and another account add again.. Same soul predetermined different path and endure. God know you no longer able to draw something in your mind. Your Mind is Trash. nothing more or less, still trash as long people funny about your comment. Very funny, But Not quite smart to do. SO long Satanic

  90. unknown Says:

    This reply list is way too long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  91. Christians are hypocrites Says:

    For all you hypocrite christians who think they are so rightous in attacking someone for drawing deformed picture of jesus, get a life. Do you really think jesus would care that someone drew a mustache on his picture, because that’s exactly what it is. Oh by the way, what about people who are not christians, well i guess they all go to hell, you are the reason we have wars over stupid shit like religion raising war in gods name, you re pitifull and wasting too much energy troubling yourselves with an arbitrary argument. Oh by they way I am a christian!

  92. mark johnson Says:

    christians are hypocrites.u r right im sure jesus of today would say “u little fukkin piece of atheist shit” and slap em in a friendly manner,then touch em and cure their piles and their disgusting s.t.d`s and say “what the fuck u gonna do now bitch?” and they would say “fuck me u really are the king!” because basically he has the power to convert without argueing or doin major ethnic cleansing shit.simple but powerful, and no fukker, religious or atheist, can ever imitate that shit.

  93. mark johnson Says:

    but at the same time if u watch “passion of the christ” which really only told u 60% of what they done to jeezy,and u laugh at what happened, then u need to be kicked in the head 553452435 times.at the end of the day if i fell in a river and someone rescued me from it i would be their lifelong friend and that aint shit on jesus so reasonably think before u say shit about our lord.

  94. mark johnson Says:

    AND I KNOW PROPER RELIGIOUS PEOPLE WILL CRITICISE ME FOR THE LANGUAGE BUT I THOUGHT I WOULD EXPLAIN THINGS IN THICK PERSONS TERMS/LAMENS TERMS.FORGIVE ME LORD ALMIGHTY BUT THESE PEOPLE OBVIOUSLY HAVENT RESEARCHED JESUS PROPERLY AND BELIEVE IN THE BULLSHIT CONTROVERSY THAT WAS CREATED TO DOWNGRADE HIM.I.E THE KIND OF LIES THAT GO AROUND ABOUT CELEBRITIES IN THE PRESS AND CRITICS COLUMNS.

  95. Anonymous Says:

    I don’t think love thy enemy meant…go suck a cock or ill shove a pole in your fucking head.Unless thats your definition of love. All u people who said that and call themselves christians are lying to themselves.

  96. Anonymous Says:

    Wow…I think the last time I heard love thy enemy it didn’t mean go suck a cock or I’ll shove a pole in your motherfucking head.Unless thats your definition of love. All the people who said things like this should stop calling themselves christians because there lying to themselves.

  97. mwah Says:

    so um… typing in caps doesnt make me want to read it or make your point clearer… it just pisses me off… yes the people who wrote this have no lives and are complete idiots… but the people who obviously took the time off TO read it AND comment on it also have no lives… yes I admit… i do not… no, making fun of jesus is not cool… and no, pissing about it is not cool either… so why dont all of you shut your fat ass traps and get over the fact that we all have such useful lives we go protesting our “rebelion”… and its not

  98. Leighanne Says:

    I think that you can believe what you want, but I dont think that we should be making fun of religions. To all the Christians that were saying things to the other religions, I don’t think Jesus would be doing that. All your doing is saying “Jesus is great” and then calling all the others swear words and telling them they are immature. That’s not how Jesus would have handled this situation. Honestly, just ignore them all. Even though it’s wrong, and it hurts, you can’t force your faith on anybody and you cant act like your better then them. But to all you people making fun of Jesus, I’m really sorry for you. I’m sorry that Christians have made you feel that way. I’m sorry that you dont believe in God, and I’m sorry that we haven’t done our job to the fullest on earth. Us as Christians need to show you Jesus love, not force His love upon you and hurt you. However, I think it is wrong that you are making fun of Jesus because you hurt Him, and you hurt all of us Christians. I think you need to be more respectful to us and our beliefs, and we will be more respectful to you. But I also think that you wouldn’t make fun of a god that wasn’t real. Obviously you wouldn’t make a picture of your imaginary friend and turn it into a disgrace. Somehow, you know that Jesus is real. You can believe what you would like, however please be respectful towards other religions!

  99. Kull Says:

    Haha, I love Christians. Bless you folk and your moral outrages.

    Free speech is all well and good, until you don’t like what they’re saying!

    I personally believe in the Dinosaur Gods. Raptor Jesus, Allah-saurus, Mohammoth and Buddha Rex.

  100. Colleen Says:

    That was hilarious.
    All these kids need to get the stick out of their arse and learn to laugh a little.
    Well done!

  101. Zaar Says:

    how come the religious people are always the most vendictive ones? why don’t you practice what you preach? Seems to me christians are the least forgiving kind…

    Peter Sloterdijk said that whatever cannot stand satire is false – bad news for the christians I guess

    Send in Bill Hicks….

  102. Zaar Says:

    “no, making fun of jesus is not cool… and no, pissing about it is not cool either… so why dont all of you shut your fat ass traps and get over the fact that we all have such useful lives we go protesting our “rebelion”… and its not”

    - yeah well, fuck Jesus and the donkey he rode in on – it is plausible that if Jesus did infact come back and saw what christians and especially catholics did with his message to humanity, that he would get sick to his stumeck because of the intolerance you supposendly ‘righteous’ people breed in his name

  103. Josh McCulloch Says:

    That was quite funny. Even more so is how angrily many of the “Christians” reacted to it. I think they all forget about that opinion thing that everyone is entitled to. Also the level of of hate and name calling is completely uncalled for. I mean god didn’t even do anything when his son was nailed to the cross, and these guys get angry over a little humor, how very unchristian, no wonder god hates humanity so.

  104. Dark Empress Says:

    I know it’s a little early, but HAPPY ZOMBIE JESUS DAY from our family to yours.

  105. Zuns Says:

    Very funny.
    And the CAPS LOCK retard comments to! Bunch of morons.

  106. fred Says:

    you r really irresponsible,probably drunkards all the timeto publish such a disgusting article about something u dont understand and who r u to talk about jesus in such a way…u r supposed to think before u act…hopefully one day jesus will be in your hearts and help u understand and guide u through your lives…god bless us all…..and forgive our sins….

  107. Onerom71 Says:

    oh man! jesus was BLACK! and he was very funny! did you know he was jewish? on and have a happy zombie jesus day! xoxo

  108. dirtypiratewhores.com Says:

    [...] 5 WAYS TO PUT DOWN AN UN-DEAD SON OF GOD [...]

  109. Deadfishatheist Says:

    LOL.
    this is PRICELESS. and whats even more entertaining are the COMMENTS.
    Take it down a notch, jesus freaks. Its called HUMOR, something you guys don’t know to much about, obviously.

  110. UnFaith Says:

    “If a Jew dies on a hill, and no one is around, does he make a religion?”
    -Oscar Wilde

  111. Shawn Says:

    Happy Sweet Zombie Jesus Day!!!!! Its funny that so called christians celebrate Easter in the way they do by glamorizing a poor bunny rabbit.Which in fact is a pagan belief.
    Enjoy your plastic looking yellow marshmellow chickadees you bastards! meanwhile Iraqi’s are slaughtered and the deficit is getting larger….

  112. Shawn Says:

    P.S.
    I officially proclaim tommorrow as Happy Sweet Zombie Saddam Day!! So drink more beer…

  113. wannabuyamonkey Says:

    Yuo shoudn’t be makng fun of jesus. He dide four oure sines.

  114. Ben Says:

    What is it about Christians and bad spelling? Which comes first, the illiteracy or the faith? In other words, do Christians start out being mentally challenged? Or is it something that develops after you give your life to Christ? I’m not making fun, seriously. I’m just curious.

    Also, I agree with you that this Christ zombie stuff isn’t funny. I had a friend who’s leg was chewed off by Jesus Christ. He said it hurt really bad. He was infected, too, and now he can barely spell. Tragic.

  115. Shawn Says:

    This url is for wonder boy to satisfy his curiosity
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Easter

  116. Shawn Says:

    Help me Jesus is pissed and at my front door!!! What should i do?

  117. Shawn Says:

    OMG this forum is now a zombie , its fucking dead

  118. Url Says:

    dropped dead christ… fuck your god

  119. Spilled blood Says:

    Just in case this link hasn’t been posted before.

    http://wiki.urbandead.com/index.php/Church_of_the_Resurrection

    Oh yeah, see you all in hell. I’ll be the one with the pitchfork in his ass.

  120. steeler Says:

    what a bunch of fucking wankers the whole lot of you ps pricks

  121. badsqwerl Says:

    I don’t know which is funnier, the Zombie Jesus part or the so-called Christians who are cussing you out, rofl! See? That’s why I’m Wiccan now…too many hypocrites out there! They’re all *BOOM* explosion of obscenity, anger, and violence…”GOD LOVES YOU, YOU MOTHERF”$%#@#$!!!” Uh, yeah. Thanks for sharing. So “Christian” of you.

    Sheesh. It’s a joke, kids. Get over it. If heaven exists, I’d rather not be there, considering the company they keep!

  122. dannii Says:

    I think this is hysterical and for those who are offended well….ya all carried on reading LMAO And WTF Are you searching for this for anyway? If your all so disgraced by this?

    http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Zombie_Jesus

  123. Craen Says:

    I find it highly ironic that the people who claim to be so religious in their defense of zombie jesus are the one’s who are essentially falling back on all the unChristian insults that they can.
    That’s why I love Christians.
    They’re so hypocritical it’s funny.

  124. harry Says:

    BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD

  125. diamonds Says:

    Good picture now I know why my prayer don’t get answered… the bastard is white and a ghost at that! He looks likt Hitler rising from the corpse

  126. Grampa Caligula Says:

    Truly, I have been touched by an . . .
    No! NO!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

  127. Iprayinvain Says:

    I’ve always wanted to be eaten by a zombie. Do you think Zombie Jesus will answer my prayer?

    Or will it be as ineffective as praying to his namesake?

  128. first proof of liberal mental illness - Bastard Factory - Forums Says:

    [...] New World Odour Sweet Zombie Jesus: Top 5 ways to kill a raging undead son of God I’ve always loved that article and wish that zombie Jesus would return in my lifetime so I could try a few of those. [...]

  129. gbfreak66 Says:

    Obviously you zany christians have no sense of humor it’s called a joke…if “god” god created man in his own image doesn’t that mean that god has a sense of humor. Its funny just because you are soooo wrapped up in beliefs in mystical unicorns and dragons or whatever the story is in thesebibles nowadays doesn’t mean you have to bash something u dont understand. Jesus rose from the dead according to the bible….by definition he is a zombie. Proof has been found Jesus = Zombie….deal with it!

  130. fuckchristianity Says:

    Loved it!!!! I’m gonna start stocking up some semen for when zombie jesus tries to eat me!!!!

  131. the voice of reason Says:

    Hey Christians? Would your god really approve of your suggestions that the author ‘get some pussy’ or of your use of the phrase “cock sucker sons of ass raped bitches”?

    Think about it.

  132. charolee Says:

    Haha. Love the pic. Fucking Christians should follow there own doctrine and turn the other fucking cheeck if you don’t like it. Stupid.

  133. James Says:

    to my fellow Christians, please stop condemning people for the picture, not saying i agree with this mockery of the ressurection of Jesus Christ. But the way you all are responding is wrong. How could you hope to show these people the love of Jesus Christ by saying such things. Jesus is all about forgiving people for what they do and making them clean again. Jesus is a new start, not death to sinners but new life for sinners. We are all sinners, in the eyes of god we are all the same. in the bible it says first take care of there board in your own eye, before you attend to the speck in your brothers. so my friends please rethink the way you approach people. stop giving them the wrong idea


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