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The Real Heroes: High-Tech Weaponry

News: Thursday, May 8th, 2003

Now that the war in Iraq is officially over and we can forget about Iraqi people, it is time to focus on the unsung heroes of this war, the high-tech weaponry and systems which allow the USA to defend all of our freedoms from rogue third world countries. I’ll spell potato any goddamn way I like!

The segway scooter-tank moves when you lean forward

JDAM (Joyous Direct Attack against Muslims)

Despite the treasonous thoughts of terrorist sympathisers and other war non-believers we must remind ourselves that “above all this was a JDAM war (BBC)”. The JDAM is a standard 1,000 lb or 2,000 lb bomb that is “made smart” by injecting it with cloned brain cells taken from George Bush and Richard Pearle. The on board satellite and inertial guidance systems give this weapon an accuracy as fine as 40ft, which is much wider than a civilian child, a fact often overlooked by bleeding heart liberals and hippies.

The E-Bomb

The E-Bomb is a new type of munitions which the USA have had since the 1947 when aliens gave them the design via telepathic communication with the Truman administration. The bomb works by accelerating an electron beam against a mesh to produce microwave oscillations which are focused by a mysterious property known only as “the force”, which is then sent to the enemy via hotmail or AOL instant messenger. The resultant electro-magnetic blast can damage enemy electronic communications systems such as computers, digital watches and those pictures with a moving waterfall effect in them.

101st Segway Scooter Brigade

As the illustrious George W. Bush once said from his armoured armchair, “special forces is are a weapon that can must be misunderestimated in modern warfare”. In the Gulf War II, this has been proved to great effect. Since the adoption of civilian segway scooter technology movement through the desert has become much easier. Instead of just using traditional caterpillar tracks to spread the weight of an object over a massive surface area thus allowing a vehicle to move freely on the sandy surfaces, the segway scooter moves when you lean forward, cool or what?!

Tommy Franks\' daughter, the 2003 Lasergun pin-up

Laser Rifles

In this war US soldiers for the first time were permitted to use the PL-3B experimental laser rifles in combat situations. The tests were successful despite lasers not usually being harmful to humans in any way. Not many details have been released but we do know that the Pentagon are planning a new model which will have three important upgrades: the ability to make sound as well as light, the slowing of light to make it come out in 6 inch long projectiles, and special chalk-dust emitters which will scatter enough of the directed laser light to make it visible.

Debt of gratitude

As you can see, we owe a debt of gratitude to these weapons, the men that designed them and the men that deployed them. Remember that without these things life would be intolerable in our fine countries. We here in the UK would not be able to stand proud knowing that our country provides for us world class education, public health care and free fire coverage. The arms trade helps everyone, not just politicians.

And don’t forget in our competition we are giving away vouchers, redeemable at your local arms dealers, for any one of the weapons featured if you can answer this simple question. How much did it cost UK taxpayers to give gifts of arms and loan guarantees to Saddam Hussein up to 1990, 2 years after Halabja?

  • a) £98,000,000
  • b) £98,000,000
  • c) £98,000,000

Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

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One Response to “The Real Heroes: High-Tech Weaponry”

  1. New World Odour » War is Over Says:

    [...] “Our goals here have 100% been met,” said Gen. Frank “Franky” McFrankfrank of the 325th Airborne Cavalry Regiment (Segway Division), reporting news of the proposed withdrawal. “Saddam is no longer in control of the country and is enjoying old fashioned US hospitality at an undisclosed location in the region. His sons’ reign of terror has also now ended and we have strong hopes that a democratic government will be installed there by Independence Day. It’s sick that this nepotistical pseudo-monarchy should have been allowed to retain power for so long. In the Land of the Free(tm), that type of behaviour would not be allowed. At home, running the country is about the individual and his ability and suitability for the job in hand, and not just who their daddy is.” “As for the WMD, I can categorically state that there are no WMD in Iraq. None whatsoever. That’s how successful this mission has been.” [...]


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