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UK ID cards explained

News: Sunday, July 25th, 2004

ID cards“the public want … a scheme that can provide them with a secure and convenient way of confirming their identity, to protect it from theft, tackle terrorism and organised crime and ensure free public services only go to those entitled to them.” – Davey Blunkett.

The British people realise that something has to be done about the terrorism and organised crime they face every day, whether it be at airports, in public parks or in their very own kitchens. Their free public services are being abused by so many asylum seekers and other non-Christians that even their own politicians are forced to use private health care and send their children to private schools. And without a secure and convenient way of confirming their own identities, many fear the sky will fall and the trains will be late.

To probably combat these issues the Home Secretary, David Blunkett, has decided to implement a compulsory national identity card scheme. They intend to “proceed by incremental steps” regardless of things like “privacy”, “cost” and “facts”.

Why do we need an identity cards scheme?

The reasons for an ID card scheme are too complicated and mysterious for the average Joe Proliteriate but we’ve summarised some of the issues here for the Daily Mail readers.

Immigrants steal jobs

Literally thousands of jobs are taken from genuine English citizens every year. Many of England’s out of work road sweepers and hobbyist mechanics have been denied cushy jobs such as doctors and surgeons due to “smart-ass” immigrants.

Feel like you belong

The scheme will “show that everyone belongs to our society”. Our countries most commonly discriminated minorities such as Blacks, Asians and Females will be able to hold their different heads up high as they walk the streets proudly displaying their ID cards. If they don’t, they’ll face heavy fines and jail. A chip in the card generate the illusion that the card holder is a White, Christian male. At the moment, without the ID, these minorities are forced to resort to displaying plastic flags on their cars and houses, and disguising their accents.


“Terrorists use false and multiple identities to help undertake and finance their activities”.
It is a long known fact that terrorists commonly enlist members with dissociative identity disorders rendering modern facial and voice recognition technology almost less useful. The ID card will contain information about each terrorist’s multiple personality, making it much more difficult for them to avoid capture. Whilst nuclear and chemical weapons are easily sourced by terrorists on the African-American market, forged identity cards will be almost entirely difficult to obtain without three or four hundred pounds in cash. Well out of the budget of the average independent Middle-Eastern terrorist, unless their being funded by a friendly western country with a military budget to burn.

Identity Fraud

“Identify fraud costs the economy at least £1.3 billion every year”.
Thousands of British whites have their identities stolen every year, but not all id fraud is just tax evasion and one night stands. “I lost everything” said victim Sandra Bullock. “One day I’m a famous actress from films such as Speed and less than a year later, I’m a nobody, from films such as Speed 2″.

Proof of identity

“an individual would not need to provide many different cards or pieces of paper”.
The ID card replaces the over 800 hundred different cards and pieces of paper that British people must currently carry about their person at all times, but only weighs in at 1.5 kilograms. Much lighter than an electronic ankle tag.

How it will work

Everything will revolve around a giant database called the “National Identity Register”, also known as the “Single Point of Failure Register” (SPFR). Every subject’s information will be stored in the SPFR, which will be hosted on a 15 storey tall gigantic “super”-computo-data-disk-base. The SPFR will be the largest collection of data in the entire universe and will, naturally, be searchable by Google.


New registrees will register their information with the SPFR through the Post Office, like buying stamps only more sinister. Of course, the ID card system can only work to prove people’s identities if the initial supplied information is truthful and accurate. This is ensured through the only known absolute source of personal identification: a utility bill. The utility bill (electricity & gas bills and petrol station receipts will be accepted) must show the address of the registree or of a friend or neighbour, or no address at all. McDonald’s name badges will only be accepted as proof of initial ID if accompanied by three stars or more.

Once the new data subject’s utility bill has been photographed, a biometric “sample” is collected. This replaces the older, but now obsolete, bioimperial sample. The biometric sample can be “provided” on the day or brought along in a tub (keep refrigerated).

Once the new information is scratched into the computers data “discs”, the registree is immediately able to function as a normal member of “society”. This is because the ID doubles as a credit card.

Day to day use

The newly obtained ID card is now ready to comprehensively prove the owner’s identity at a moment’s notice any time of the day, but not during the night as this is when it “re-charges”. For example, when ordering a television set with which to view television “shows”, the ID can be used to prove your intent to pay the license fee, or when committing a crime of passion, the ID card can be used to measure your emotion for use as a defence.

The future

Recent discussions have suggested that ID cards would be expanded to contain “mens rea” data. Information regarding intent, recklessness and willful blindness will be freely available to law enforcement officers and some CB radio enthusiasts.

Another plan is for the card to keep track of the holder’s “civil disobedience” quota. This will work much like the driver’s point system as when the quota is exceeded, the card holder is officially banned from acts of civil disobedience and all craft fairs.

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3 Responses to “UK ID cards explained”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    what would be the point in fake ID’s so you can get served in pubs and clubs then :p

  2. osei Says:

    can I apply for zitisencard now?

  3. Anonymous Says:

    id cards will inslave people in a globa order listen Jesus Christ Is God Jesus said before judgement day the world will be enslaved by the devil. Jesus is coming back i dont know when only God knows repent and ask Jesus who died on the cross for everone to come in to your life this is not religon its goodnews

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