Almost a year after the end of the Great Iraq War of 2003 (“Another War To End All Wars”), the coalition forces led by the US are planning to withdraw remaining troops from the region.
“Our goals here have 100% been met,” said Gen. Frank “Franky” McFrankfrank of the 325th Airborne Cavalry Regiment (Segway Division), reporting news of the proposed withdrawal. “Saddam is no longer in control of the country and is enjoying old fashioned US hospitality at an undisclosed location in the region. His sons’ reign of terror has also now ended and we have strong hopes that a democratic government will be installed there by Independence Day. It’s sick that this nepotistical pseudo-monarchy should have been allowed to retain power for so long. In the Land of the Free(tm), that type of behaviour would not be allowed. At home, running the country is about the individual and his ability and suitability for the job in hand, and not just who their daddy is.”
“As for the WMD, I can categorically state that there are no WMD in Iraq. None whatsoever. That’s how successful this mission has been.”
McFrankfrank also commented on the so-called casualties of war: “I would be lying if I said that none of our men have died out here in the field. None of our men have died out here in the field. The vast, vast majority of them have died from purely natural causes, back at barracks. Bleeding, low brain pressure due to bomb proximity and soul failure – every day, natural things that would have killed them whether they were here or fighting a war in Cuba, just for example.”
“Some Iraqis have claimed to be killed but I can reassure you that nothing is further from the truth. Our plan was to help these people, not hurt them. Look around you. None of these corpses or body parts are of dead people. They’ve just fainted from the shock and awe we laid down. The ones that persist with the myth are just out and out liars. And commies.”
McFrankfrank is also quite unequivocal about the recent ‘uprisings’: “The images on tv are biased. These people are partying, that’s what it really is. They’re just breaking out the beers, hotdogs and grenades to celebrate their new found freedom. The people who have claimed to be kidnapped or beheaded are just enjoying the fun and don’t want to go back to their cushy liberal lives and wives back home.”
Likewise, McFrankfrank dismissed the claims of torture of Iraqi prisoners in the hands of the Allied Axis of Goodness and Purity. “Again, those images on CBS are completely biased. CBS stands for Commie Bull Shit. Those weren’t electric shock wires, they were Neilson TV ratings sensors. How can we install a democratic system in this country without knowing what they want to see on TV? And as for the human pyramids, that’s standard US army circus exercises. All troops and prisoners are required to do that to keep fit and healthy. It also includes monocycle training and juggling. You wanna get a load of those towel heads on stilts, it’s freaking hilarious.”