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War XP: Who Do You Want to Kill Today?

News: Sunday, May 18th, 2003

An exclusive screenshot of WarXP in actionThe long-anticipated War planning software, which Microsoft says will revolutionize the invasion process, is now available to governments world wide. “This is the Modern Art of War,” said Gates. “With War XP you’ll fare better at warfare.”


War XP is the latest software to test key components of Microsoft’s long standing strategy, dot-globalworlddomination and integrates with the online MS Passport service to offer the highest security of your battle plans. (Microsoft note in the software contract that their definition of security may not be compatible with your own).
An exclusive screenshot of WarXP in action

War XP comes in two flavours, XP Military Dictator and XP Democratic. The two seem very similar, except that XP Democratic comes with an added thought control system and 29 free newspapers and media outlets to help in consent management.

War XP Plus-Pack

The company also announced Microsoft PLUS for War XP, a bundle of add-on tools, features and cute icon themes to enhance the organised, “legalised” killing eXPerience.

The all new public relations helper replaces the much loathed \"Clippy\"


  • The remote assistance feature enables a user to share control of his or her War plan with the United States of America. This allows the USA to control the pointer and keyboard to help influence decisions, saving needless blackmail and assassinations.
  • Support for all the latest excuses for invasion, such as “Our receipt indicates they have weapons of mass destruction”, “Their weapons of mass destruction are coming right for us!!” and “Are you going to argue with us? We’re the USA for Chrissakes!”.
  • OLE support for embedded journalists, for easy propaganda integration. Support for up to 8 million deaths per “War project”, friend or foe (and up to 16 million with the upcoming XP Holocaust Edition)
  • Microsoft Autoroute for invasion route planning.
  • Microsoft Project Gantt chart display of War plan.
  • Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf “clippy” popup public relations helper.
  • “Safe Mode” to play out scenarios with fewer troops, to minimize pension payouts.
  • Keep account of all embarrassing injuries with the “My Friendly Fire Incidents” folder
  • Convenient licensing options, per War or by official death toll.

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2 Responses to “War XP: Who Do You Want to Kill Today?”

  1. Saleem Says:

    Its funny you mention Windows and War. I once saw an image of the screen of the weapons system on the US battleship the USS Missouri with a Windows blue screen of death. God help us.

  2. Jewel Hammel Says:

    This one makes sence “One’s first step in wisdom is to kuesstion everything – and one’s last is to come to terms with everything.”

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