Officials say tests have confirmed Britain’s first cases of the deadly H5N9 strain of flu.

A spokesperson for the European Union’s Reference Laboratory for Aryan Influenza said “This virus poses a large-scale threat to all humans of Indo-European origins. Well, the noble ones anyway.”

As a precuation, some experts suggest speaking exclusively in Indo-European languages but Mikey Stewart Chamberlain, great grandson of British author Houston Stewart Chamberlain disagreed: ландшафт“This is a discerning virus. It cares not for ethno-linguistic origins. If your eyes are blue, you’ll get the flu.”

Two teenage students have been charged in connection with an investigation into suspected terrorist activity abroad, police have said.

Irfan Raja, 18, from Ilford, Essex, was charged with making a record of information likely to be useful to a terrorist. Awaab Iqbal, 18, from Bradford, was charged with possessing information likely to be useful to a terrorist. They are both charged under section 58 of the Terrorism Act.

For security reasons, the highly not flawed Terrorism Act does not clearly define “information likely to be useful to a terrorist”. Sir Ian Blair, Britain’s most senior policeman (76 years old) issued a list of items to help the public turn in their friends and colleagues:

Information likely to be useful to terrorists

• Book: Dictionary
  Terrorists can often use the alphabet to form words in which to communicate their actions. They have also been known to use numbers, which have roots in the Middle East and therefore are likely to be evil Arabic playthings.
• Map: London underground
  Such documents are highly useful when terrorists are planning their activities. Terrorists often have day jobs to which they need to commute in order to fund the purchase of further planning materials. Also groceries.
• Book: Self-Discipline in 10 Days: How to Go from Thinking to Doing by Theodore Bryant
  To fight the forces of freedom and liberty, an effective terrorist needs to be self motivated.
• Book: Dr. Atkins’ New Diet Revolution by Robert C. Atkins
  Terrorists need to eat to subsist but can’t be bogged down with heavy carbohydrates which can fog the mind, leading to mistakes in the field. If a terrorist made a mistake, innocent people might not get hurt.
• US Army Field Manual 7-98: Operations in a low intensity conflict
  This manual is of the upmost importance to a well organised terrorist network. It’s mostly useful if the terrorists in question also own more than half the world’s weapons and govern a docile population. Keep an eye out for evidence of this.
• This news article
  A terrorist could use this article to collect a veritable armory of information. Ensure that you delete it off the Internet after reading.

Sir Ian Blair also described how a patriotic member of the public might identify instructions on creating bombs: “Instructions describing mixing glycerol with a cooled solution of 40% nitric acid and 60% sulphuric to make nitroglycerin, then mixing the nitroglycerin with sodium nitrate and sawdust to make dynamite, or with more nitric acid and paraffin to make gelatin explosives, are probably suspicious.”

Related resources

• BBC News: Students charged under terror act
• Spyblog: ID cards likely to be useful to terrorists?
• Spyblog: More power!
• US Army Field Manual 7-98

At a Downing Street press conference yesterday, the Prime Minister explained his party’s stance on the US prison camps in Cuba. “I have said all I want to say on Guantanamo,” he said. “I have said it is an anomaly. I have said it should end sooner rather than later.”

Mr. Blair elaborated on his definition of anomaly: “Both my own government and the Bush administration have taken steps to infringe on the human rights of millions of people at home and abroad. We routinely torture and murder, and support regimes that torture and murder, all in the name of ‘national security’. In the name of ‘anti-terrorism’. To protect our corporation’s profit margins. To keep your cars running. The anomaly with Guantanamo bay is that it’s being reported in the mainstream media, and this should end sooner rather than later.”

“The status-quo is not to be challenged like this,” he added.

Related resources

• Independent: Shameful: World’s view on Guantanamo.
• Edward S. Herman: The US as Torture Central
• Michael Ratner: From Magna Carta to Abu Ghraib

A 58-year old school teacher has made the news after being forced to obey an arbitrary rule designed to ostracise and penalise a specific, largely defenseless, group of society.

Kay Partcnut was challenged by a security guard over her decision to wear a hooded top while shopping at her local supermarket.

“I told him ‘no, my hair’s a mess’. But I did oblige because rules are there for a reason and should be obeyed no matter what,” she said after she had recovered from the horrific, newsworthy, agenda-promoting incident.

“I couldn’t believe he was talking to me though. I’m supposed to look like a nasty thug? Thugs are not white, middle-aged or female; it says so in the Daily Mail.”

HISTORY

Apparel historian Prof. Dick Cravat from the Belgain Institute of Forbidden Textiles explains society’s prejudice towards such garments.

“What Ms Partcnut is describing isn’t a new problem. Hooded robes have long been associated with delinquent sorts.

“As far back as medieval times, hoods have been used by outlaws and the like to keep the rain off their evil, thieving heads; the most famous of these being Robin Hood and his gang (known on the forest floor as the ‘Eastside Merry’).

“With Hood’s well-known anti-authoritarian, anti-capitalist philosophy, it’s not surprising that supermarkets, shopping centres and the conservative media have developed such negative connotations of the garment itself.”

SORRY

Tesco’s, purveyors of fine consumable products and more than six varieties of casual upper body garments with attached head coverings, have apologised to Ms Partcnut for her mistreatment.

“Although our security guard’s intention was good, it seems as if he was a little over-zealous and we’re sorry to Ms Partcnut for that.

“We will be speaking to our security staff to make sure that in the future they only harass and offend the poor and people less likely to make a fuss.”

Related resources

• BBC News : Shop regrets ‘hoodie’ humiliation

Last week, the New York Times, swiftly followed by other news outlets reported that US Vice President Dick Cheney “Takes Full Responsibility” for accidentally shooting fellow hunter Harry Whittington. This martyraic statement allegedly came from a Fox News interview with Cheney by top Fox dog Brit Hume.

While the news conglomerates kept using the phrase “full responsibility” the FoxNews.com transcript of the interview shows that Dick never used any form of the word “responsibility.” Further investigations shows Cheney also didn’t use the words “Takes”or “Full”. And in fact, has no capacity for responsibility of any kind, positive or negative.

Bayesian statistical analysis of the interview found that the vice president didn’t actually discuss the shooting at all. He didn’t even mention hunting, of quails or otherwise. In fact, during a short phone call with a member of the FoxNews team he revealed that Dick Cheney only agreed to the interview on the condition that he didn’t need to speak at all.

A later phone call with Brit Hume himself confirmed that not only did Fox News never actually interview Dick Cheney, there is no Dick Cheney. The post of “US Vice President” has historically only been symbolic.

Asked about the non-existence of Mr. Cheney, President George W. Bush said “no comment”.

Related resources

• Znet: Cheney’s Dodge
• FoxNews.com: Cheney interview transcript

US Vice President Dick Cheney broke convention this weekend and actually directly harmed another human being. Dick was hunting for quail on a Texas ranch yesterday where he accidentally shot and wounded a companion. “I was utterly shocked” said Katharine Armstrong, the ranch’s owner. “Seeing Dick Cheney causing pain and suffering to a fellow sentient being was something I just wasn’t prepared for.”

Cheney, clearly not used to such hands-on experience with violence, was visibly moved by the incident: “All this red stuff flew out of holes in his face. It made a squelching sound. I got some on my hands. It was pretty awesome.”

As is well documented, Mr. Cheney is responsible for the pain, suffering and death of millions of people around the world who are the victims of US foreign policy. This is the first case of him actually being within 1000 miles of the event and it may well seem to be the first involving a wealthy, white, male victim.

Asked if he was worried about possible manslaughter charges if the victim should die, the Vice President roared with immense laughter for 15 minutes, pausing only to execute the questioning journalist.

In the wake of the death of a youngster attributed to a lip piercing gone MAD, leading doctors have given warnings about other activities that young people are involved with which could lead to disease, death or even worse.

“Clinical statistics show that almost 100% of young people have breathed within an hour of their death,” said Dr Simon Reactionary, chief registrar of the Daily Express Hospital for white Christians and soft-porn stars, Battersea. “We are aware that a growing number of children and young people are becoming involved in this deviant practice of breathing and it can only lead to unnecessary injury and untimely deaths. The government has given us £17million to fund a five year research project to investigate this causality further - which shows they are taking the problem seriously - and we are hoping for laws to be introduced in the next few months to curtail the take up of this dangerous habit.”

Margaret Liamann, whose son Kyle died last year after 17 years of being addicted to breathing, is pleased that this study is being carried out. “I am pleased that this study is being carried out to prove, once and for all, that seemingly innocent things kids do for the sake of fashion or to “fit in” can have deadly consequences.”

“Before he started taking in oxygen, Kyle was a happy healthy boy but after he developed his habit, he became sullen and aggressive towards his father and me. He used to call us horrible names, saying we were stupid, gullible and always looking for scapegoats, but I know that was the breathing talking and not really what he felt inside.”

“I was heartbroken when he died, as any mother would be, and didn’t believe it when the doctors at the hospital told me Kyle had died from alcohol poisoning, after drinking two bottles of whiskey in less than an hour. Kyle’s father, George and myself enjoy the odd tipple of single malt from time to time so we knew that it couldn’t be something as delicious as that which had caused Kyle’s death.”

“I couldn’t let it rest and spoke to doctor after doctor, asking for autopsy after autopsy to take place, until Dr Reactionary mentioned that breathing could possibly be to blame. As soon as he said that, it was like a relief washed over my body - like Kyle had been released from the lies causing him torment and his soul was free to fly up to heaven - and I knew that it was the truth. I just hope this research can find some proof about this sick habit to force the liberal lawmakers to act and prevent other mothers being robbed of their children in this way.”

• A new car under the mobility scheme
• State benefits of nearly £360 EVERY DAY
• A fourteen bedroom seaside castle in the centre of London, complete WITH a shed, white plastic garden furniture, satellite TV, and an underground network of tunnels
• Free towels
• The right of free association, which he could use to CORRUPT our most precious raw material (children) or join a BOOK GROUP
• An permanent seat on the UN Security Council
• A gagging order on the media to prevent them revealing his list of benefits

All this is on top of the £5,000,000 a year the wheelchair bound sexual offender fiend beast freak dragon hellcat will cost the NHS for his list of illnesses including asthma, diabetes and apophalatophobia*.

A Home Office spokesman clearly and concisely insisted: “Like all issues that might affect election results, protecting children is and may well be the highest priority of the government and we do almost everything you would think to ensure the public opinion is protected from offenders where a potential risk may and might can be foreseen before hand.”

* the fear of penis chewing

Muslims in the UK have been advised to stay indoors to avoid revenge attacks over the bombings in London today. Concerned about a possible backlash, the British Ministry of Islamic Human Rights has issued a list of recommendations for Muslims in Britain to follow:

Internment

Stay indoors. Do not leave your house.
The government can provide “accommodation” for those having difficulty accepting this recommendation.

Record telephone calls

Make audio recordings of all your telephone calls. This can be used by the police to protect you somehow.

Services

Do not use the phone and avoid the Internet, which could expose you to certain difficult truths.

Surrender passports

Surrender your passport to the nearest police station. This will protect you from identity theft.

Tagging

The Government has also prepared a colour leaflet containing instructions on how to build your own electronic tagging equipment. They recommend wearing this at all times, except in the bath, where you should instead be handcuffed to the towel rail.

Christianity

It is recommended that all British Muslims consider converting to Christianity. After all, whilst you might not agree Jesus was the son of god, you have to admit he was a pretty nice guy (except for all the terrorism).

Photo by Mark Karstad

Tony Blair

“It’s clear that if we hadn’t invaded Iraq, these explosions might have been much louder, with some fire maybe. I’m still confident I was right to illegally invade Iraq and kill tens of thousands of innocent people. We used tanks and depleted uranium, and all they can muster is a few bus bombs? ha!”

Lord Sebastian Coe

“This isn’t about the G8 meetings, it’s clearly about my successful 2012 Olympic bid. Al Qaeda know the Olympics are a shining example of freedom and democracy, if you ignore all the advertising deals and the tax money that’s spent on it against peoples wishes.”

Tony Blair

“Actually Lord Coe, I’m pretty sure it’s about the G8. We have George W. Bush for heavens sake. All you have is one of the spice girls.”

The Queen

“One is ok. There is no longer any need to worry. Luckily there were 3 horses and a palace between me and the explosions.”

David Blunkett

“These terrorist explosions made me go blind. Also masturbation.”

Charles Clark

“I bet you’ll fucking accept the ID card system now you fucking twats.”

“Whether these explosions were caused by bombs, terrorismists, communist dictators, weapons of mass destruction or a leaking gas main, we’re confident our proposed ID card system would have prevented it. We are also confident that if there hadn’t even been any explosions today, we would have our ID scheme to thank.”

No further information is available on the number of casualties, but Number 10 has suggested they have already found links to the Middle Eastern country Iran.

The Christianity disease is unique in that it spreads through not only human contact but through most forms of human communication including, as in this case, the written word. Christianity uses the promise of infinite love and happiness to lure victims, who are very quickly overcome with “faith” and soon succumb to prayer.

But Brian Leaklittle, executive director of Gideons International headquarters, situated at the centre of the earth in a reality-proof bunker said: “They are saying that Christianity can cause death, and we say that is nonsense. I know of no Christian who died due to his involvement in Christianity. Well, except for that Jesus bloke.”

A recent British Medical Journal article made recommendations to help slow the spread of Christianity. “Firstly, flourinate the water supply. Secondly, biometric ID cards. Thirdly, invade Syria.”. A brittle-boned BMJ spokesperson explained the work behind the study. “We did some statistical analysis. Lots of numbers; lots of them. We used lots of averaging.”

“This industry takes enthusiastic, talented people and exploits them, endangering their health. And in another case they exploited Brian Harvey, of East 17.”

“The convoy was attacked by either ‘freedom fighters’, or insurgents. To be honest, it’s difficult to tell them apart. In the confusion, the British soldier was distracted long enough for him to trip over several charred corpses of Iraqi children. He fell onto the body of an American soldier, and inhaled lethal levels of radioactive depleted uranium dust. With medical attention we might have been able to keep him alive for a few hours, but friendly fire killed the doctors.”

The MoD has issued a premium rate phone number for relatives worried about the welfare of family members serving in Iraq. The proceeds will be used to drop more food parcels and cluster bombs.

The new regime’s manifesto covers this single issue: We no longer do monthly issues. New articles will now be published as they are written. Those of you paying attention may notice we’ve not done a monthly issue for almost a year. A gold star for you.

We’re currently adding all the old content from the previous issue format but will be creating new content from now. The old issues will remain online as a historical record, but you may not discuss them. Tell your friends and enemies.

As OPEC puts on the squeeze and petrol prices rise, the country was shocked to discover that oil, as a non-renewable resource, is in fact, non-renewable. Political leaders have joined the general population in a state of amazement.

Conservative leader Michael Howard put the blame solely in the hands of the Labour government, blaming Blair and his “government’s successive taxes on petrol” for the situation. Howard, speaking from his palacial Folkstone mansion, expressed concern: “one day, the oil will run out then how will people travel from their country homes to their pied á terres? It’ll be a sad day when a man has to leave his two 3ltr Jaguars in the 6-berth garage and take Merc to the city instead.”

UKIP figurehead Robert Kilroy-Silk-Cuts pointed the finger the another way, accusing the EU of squandering the oil reserves. “If you look at any village in the south of France, or in Spain, or in one of those pokey places out to the East like Germany, you will see every man, woman and child guzzling down large quantities of oil with their breads and cheeses, all subsidised by the British taxpayer,” Kilroy-Silk whispered seductively while setting his eyelids to bat on “woo” mode. “For every £10 the average British worker pays out in tax, the equivalent of over 27,000 Turkish Liras goes to Europe and pays for the frogs’ and dagos’ oil habits. That’s 193 Laos Kips! 88 Zambian Kwacha! Eighty-eight! All frittered away on silly subsidies!”

Labour leader Presidenté Blair countered Kilroy’s anti-EU argument - and the argument that the resource was running out at all. “Gosh, nothing could be further from the truth. Every day, people ask me ‘Tony, is it running out? Is it really as non-renewable as they say?’ and I can, hand on my heart, reassure them that many non-renewable resources, whilst certainly less renewable than most resources, can and might not be so less renewable than people might and can prove, oh no. Vote Labour. Peace out ma niz.”

Head Lib-Dem honcho, Charles “Chuck” Kennedy managed a more positive viewpoint. “Issallghud,” he said from his home-from-home, Oddbins. “Isss gonna be fine because I fuckin’ love you, man. An’ fuckin’ OPEC, fuckin’ kings of men they are, fuckin’ kings. Isss all gonna work out jhus’ fine, like in the movies.”

NWO on the streets

Maria

“It’s all just bullshit. How can we run out of oil? I saw a whole aisle full of Castrol at Halfords the other day. And my Discovery has a 93litre tank. That lasts me near a week sometimes so I’ll be fine.”
Maria, Consultant consultant, Leeds

Rainbow

“I think the oil farming methods are cruel and unnecessary. If everyone supported their local wholefoods supplier and bought organic oil from them, the problem would pretty much solve itself.”
Rainbow Lovecharm, Dreadlock-smith, Skipton

Dave

“I don’t like it one bit”
Dave, Shrew Farmer, Tingley

Hilary

“The problem isn’t a problem if one thinks about it logically. The lack of creatures from the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods is causing the lack of oil. With properly directed resources, we can recreate them from DNA traces found in amber and their chewing gum deposits and then in, say, 100million years we’ll have oil again. Problem solved.”
Hilary, top scientist-style boffin, Kent

“It’s impossible to fight the war on terror when the very air we breathe is full of funny buzzing flying things” Bush said later in a prepared statement. He also declared that bees are agents of Saddam Hussein and possibly his pinky-pals in Al Qaeda. The Whitehouse confirmed that the matter is in hand and that “in future, the location of all press conferences will be throughly machine gunned beforehand to ensure no insect interference”.

The British people realise that something has to be done about the terrorism and organised crime they face every day, whether it be at airports, in public parks or in their very own kitchens. Their free public services are being abused by so many asylum seekers and other non-Christians that even their own politicians are forced to use private health care and send their children to private schools. And without a secure and convenient way of confirming their own identities, many fear the sky will fall and the trains will be late.

To probably combat these issues the Home Secretary, David Blunkett, has decided to implement a compulsory national identity card scheme. They intend to “proceed by incremental steps” regardless of things like “privacy”, “cost” and “facts”.

Why do we need an identity cards scheme?

The reasons for an ID card scheme are too complicated and mysterious for the average Joe Proliteriate but we’ve summarised some of the issues here for the Daily Mail readers.

Immigrants steal jobs

Literally thousands of jobs are taken from genuine English citizens every year. Many of England’s out of work road sweepers and hobbyist mechanics have been denied cushy jobs such as doctors and surgeons due to “smart-ass” immigrants.

Feel like you belong

The scheme will “show that everyone belongs to our society”. Our countries most commonly discriminated minorities such as Blacks, Asians and Females will be able to hold their different heads up high as they walk the streets proudly displaying their ID cards. If they don’t, they’ll face heavy fines and jail. A chip in the card generate the illusion that the card holder is a White, Christian male. At the moment, without the ID, these minorities are forced to resort to displaying plastic flags on their cars and houses, and disguising their accents.

Terrorismists

“Terrorists use false and multiple identities to help undertake and finance their activities”.
It is a long known fact that terrorists commonly enlist members with dissociative identity disorders rendering modern facial and voice recognition technology almost less useful. The ID card will contain information about each terrorist’s multiple personality, making it much more difficult for them to avoid capture. Whilst nuclear and chemical weapons are easily sourced by terrorists on the African-American market, forged identity cards will be almost entirely difficult to obtain without three or four hundred pounds in cash. Well out of the budget of the average independent Middle-Eastern terrorist, unless their being funded by a friendly western country with a military budget to burn.

Identity Fraud

“Identify fraud costs the economy at least £1.3 billion every year”.
Thousands of British whites have their identities stolen every year, but not all id fraud is just tax evasion and one night stands. “I lost everything” said victim Sandra Bullock. “One day I’m a famous actress from films such as Speed and less than a year later, I’m a nobody, from films such as Speed 2″.

Proof of identity

“an individual would not need to provide many different cards or pieces of paper”.
The ID card replaces the over 800 hundred different cards and pieces of paper that British people must currently carry about their person at all times, but only weighs in at 1.5 kilograms. Much lighter than an electronic ankle tag.

How it will work

Everything will revolve around a giant database called the “National Identity Register”, also known as the “Single Point of Failure Register” (SPFR). Every subject’s information will be stored in the SPFR, which will be hosted on a 15 storey tall gigantic “super”-computo-data-disk-base. The SPFR will be the largest collection of data in the entire universe and will, naturally, be searchable by Google.

Registration

New registrees will register their information with the SPFR through the Post Office, like buying stamps only more sinister. Of course, the ID card system can only work to prove people’s identities if the initial supplied information is truthful and accurate. This is ensured through the only known absolute source of personal identification: a utility bill. The utility bill (electricity & gas bills and petrol station receipts will be accepted) must show the address of the registree or of a friend or neighbour, or no address at all. McDonald’s name badges will only be accepted as proof of initial ID if accompanied by three stars or more.

Once the new data subject’s utility bill has been photographed, a biometric “sample” is collected. This replaces the older, but now obsolete, bioimperial sample. The biometric sample can be “provided” on the day or brought along in a tub (keep refrigerated).

Once the new information is scratched into the computers data “discs”, the registree is immediately able to function as a normal member of “society”. This is because the ID doubles as a credit card.

Day to day use

The newly obtained ID card is now ready to comprehensively prove the owner’s identity at a moment’s notice any time of the day, but not during the night as this is when it “re-charges”. For example, when ordering a television set with which to view television “shows”, the ID can be used to prove your intent to pay the license fee, or when committing a crime of passion, the ID card can be used to measure your emotion for use as a defence.

The future

Recent discussions have suggested that ID cards would be expanded to contain “mens rea” data. Information regarding intent, recklessness and willful blindness will be freely available to law enforcement officers and some CB radio enthusiasts.

Another plan is for the card to keep track of the holder’s “civil disobedience” quota. This will work much like the driver’s point system as when the quota is exceeded, the card holder is officially banned from acts of civil disobedience and all craft fairs.

Nostradamus was seen hurriedly leaving the conference hall in a large metal bird and hasn’t answered our phone calls.

A humbled Dick Cheney read a short prepared statement on the matter: “we had strong reasons to believe the information that we had received regarding Mr Hussein was true. We were not just repeating rumours in a game of Chinese whispers: we had been given the information in both MS Word and Powerpoint form. We thought it was fact but now I have personally washed the extremities in question and I can say, without a doubt, there was no flaking of the skin whatsoever. We’re sorry.”

Intelligence sources close to Bush have reacted with alarm to this move and have demanded that access to the “politics factory” will only be granted to the five lucky voters who find special foil tickets in specific locations. The vouchers, gold in colour, will be hidden inside gay marriage licences, Amnesty International reports and prints of Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 9/11″. Wannabe visitors are recommended to tear up said artefacts in order to see whether a ticket is contained within.

Come with me and you’ll be
In a world of US domination
Take a look and you’ll see
Britain’s assimilation

We’ll begin, warring
Trav’ling in the world of my creation
What we’ll do will defy
UN Regulation

If you want to invade paradise
Just drop the bomb ‘n’ nuke it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to rule the world?
there’s nothing to it.

Once inside the Whitehouse, visitors will have the chance to meet all the key members of his administration including Condoleezza “Beauregarde” Rice, reknowned for her constant chewing up and spitting out of the “bad guys” such as hippy liberals and independent investigating committeees, and “Mike Pornee” Ashcroft. “Veruca Dick” Cheney and Donald RumsGloop may also put in an appearance if they can tear themselves away from eating golden goose eggs and every single slice of the Iraqi pie.

Who can fuck up I-raq?
Torture an arab man or two?
Make ev’ry single Muslim hate ev’ry single Jew?
The US Government can
Oh, the US Goverment can!

Who can sue Greenpeace?
Cause climate change a’new?
Exploit ev’ry oil country for ev’ry drop o’th’ goo?
The US Government can
Oh, the US Goverment can!

Who can impoverise his country?
Foster a culture of ‘blame and sue’?
Strip out all the welfare til they’re totalling fucking you?
The US Government can
Oh, the US Goverment can!

The special guests will also be shown the top secret inventions being developed in the factory like the anti-terrorist gobstopper, heterosexuality liquor (”curing is dandy, but legislation is quicker”) and WMD-flavoured lickable wallpaper.

Bush will also use the tours to dispel rumours of the use of east Asian (and Myanmar) sweatshops by the administration by showcasing the prolific use of Oompa Loompa in political office and in the military.

“Oompa loompa dumpa dee die, You should see us orange guys fly; Oompa loompa dumpa dee dine, When we step on an Iraqi landmine,” sang an Oompa Loompa spokesgroup earlier today.

Fellow former Smith Johnny Marr mourned his passing: “we tried to warn him but he was wreckless. You can’t eat muesli for breakfast every day of your life, you just can’t”. His gravestone is to read “I can’t believe that twit Marr outlived me”.

“The motherfucking topsoil was loose!” said Doctor Turvy McTash later recounting the incident for journalists at his palatial Florida mansion. “But the President didn’t hear me, he was already down by that point. He’d landed in a cactus, but he just picked himself right up and went about his day without issuing a single expletive. His calm Christ-like demeanour made us all feel better about the cunting topsoil that day.”

Staff Sergeant Frank Emdeekay of the 82nd Sledging Regiment, the appointed commander in chief for the campaign, went on to reveal the strategy: “our involvement now is the only way to solve the problems caused by our earlier involvement. We’re going to move quickly and send in waves and waves of troops to quell the fighting between the Iraqi terrorists and the previously deployed Coalition forces. We shall overthrow the undemocratically installed government and free the country from the tyrannical rule of its oppressors, and by that I mean us.”

The group of men is believed to be working for infamous south-east fertiliser buyer Giles T. Farmer. In a press conference about the case, a Scotland Yard spokesman said “a close h’examination of Farmer’s accounts reveals this gentleman has purchased several tons of fertiliser over the last few years. ‘E has also purchased large quantities of seeds, corn and a particular type of dairy cow known in the trade as an ‘olstein. We believe this gentleman may be planning to produce terrorist weapons known colloquially as a ‘dirty cow’: ‘e will stuff the cow full of these fertilisers and projectiles and will release it in a crowded metropolitan area. Cor blimey, it could be ghastly.”

The house was sold by Formula One racing boss Bernie Eccleston, who bought it for 140,000 pounds three years ago but never lived in it.

The FBI alone has received more leads than there are grains of sand in an Arab’s flip-flop. An estimated 85000 Middle Eastern and Muslim immigrant men were examined, 14000 deported, 8000 selected for questioning, 3700 questioned, almost 800 detained of which 68 still remain in custody. Only a handful were charged and only one convicted.

Before convictee Mounir el Motassade’s recent release by a Hamburg court due to apparent innocence, he helped authorities draw conclusions about the planning of 9/11.

Osmond Bin Laden denied that he was himself involved in these attacks but nonetheless has admitted to being responsible for crimes against the western world, and some of Australia.

The Osmond Bin Laden’s 40 years of entertainment limited edition album cover. Bin Laden’s discography of terror goes back over 40 years, and his intentions are now apparent from song titles such as:

• Swing City Gal
• It Takes Two
• Who’s Sorry Now
• Afghan Puppy Love
• Crazy Jihads (woooh, woooh)
• Long-haired Lover From Lebanon

The FBI stand poised to capture Bin Laden in the event of an attempted come back tour.

ATTENTION

Be warned that Osmond Bin Laden is considered vocal and dangerous, and should not be approached for an autograph.

Farm-buyers this month include the Guinness Book of Norris McWhirter, the CEO of McDonalds and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Caron Keating

Caron Keating

Keating joined Blue Peter in 1986, bringing style and charisma to a team otherwise devoid of talent, sex appeal and even the most basic amoebic intelligence.

Like all Blue Peter presenters, she was required to undertake a number of daring reports, including diving with sharks, abseiling down skyscrapers and wearing ra-ra skirts in public. However, she will best be remembered for her skills with toilet rolls and sticky-backed plastic, shown off in full in the bestselling porn title “Blue Blue Peter” and its sequel “The Sexy Blue Peter”, which proved, beyond any doubt, that Mark Curry is a natural redhead (and that Bonnie the Labrador is a natural blonde). Viewers of the teatime programme though might prefer to remember her as the creator of such wonders as the shoebox-Barbie-playpad, a paper maiche Thunderbirds’ Tracy Island and the oddly prophetic “turn-a-carrier-bag-into-a-vomit-sack-for-using-after-chemotherapy”.

Keating will be buried in the Blue Peter garden, alongside fellow fallen comrades such as Bonnie the dog, recently deceased George the tortoise and recently diseased Richard Bacon the cokehead.

Norris McWhirter

A second ‘celeb’ to bite the big one this month is Norris McWhirter: another favourite fixture of BBC children’s programming in the 1980s. John Craven is reported to be very, very scared in case it is some sort of cull.

Norris “Hot Lips” McWhirter, co-founder of the Guinness Book of Records, has died aged 78. He suffered a heart attack while playing tennis at his Wiltshire home; he was drawing the game 15-all but as a massive blood clot clogged his vena cava, he missed a vital shot so died a pathetic loser.

“Hot Lips” co-founded the Guinness Book of Records with his brother, Ross, in the mid-1950s. The book has gone on to sell over 100million copies and over the years, the McWhirters witnessed approximately 49,052 record attempts. Norris himself is the holder of two records: longest living Guinness Book of Records founder and the victim of the world’s most fatal coronary thrombosis on a tennis court. However, his busty blonde widow, Trixie, 29, is trying to make this a posthumous hattrick. “I’ve propped his corpse in a bath of baked beans and if I can live with it in there for 72 days, it’ll make it in the book,” said the leggy ex-model at the press-conference today, “it’s what he would have wanted.”

Jim Cantalupo

Heart-attacks were the way to go this month as fruity Jim Cantalupo, CEO of the little-known fast food burger franchise ‘McDonalds’, gasped his last while experiencing a supersized myocardial infarction.

A spokesperson for NWO said “haarhaha heaheh heh hahah eh hardeeheheh hehe lol hahahaarhheheh rofl hahaahhehehehehahehah hehehahrhahahr heh heh. ROFL eheh heh. ha hah ahehe hehe ahha hehe heh heh heh haha. Bwaha hahahaha heh heeeaaahaaaah! heh haheh ahah heh hahahahahehahahhaaa teehee hah heh haha hahahehaha ha heh ahahaahheh ahe ahaheh muaha ahahahaha ah haha blahehe ha ha he haheheh hah heh hheh haha MUAHAHAHAHA. heh hehe hahah hehe hehah ROFL ROFL ROFL, bwahahahahaahahahahahaha” earlier today.

In “Idol Idol”, religious deities and icons from around the globe compete to discover who really is The One. Early rounds have been tough and seen the elimination of the Hindu god Ganesh, dismissed by judge Pete Waterman because “trunks haven’t been in fashion since the 1960s and don’t get me started on all the arms - Ganesh is just a rubbish idol”.

God (3-1) and Allah (4-1) are favourites to win. The final will be decided in a phone vote but divine intervention is expected. It is suspected that adjudicators Ant and Dec will be “persuaded” to turn a blind eye to this out-and-out cheating through the promise of water into wine, ascendance of the Jiva to the Divine and 72 beautiful virgins awaiting them in the Green Room.

“Over the past seven years, we’ve looked at all the evidence and closely examined the report produced by French judge Herve Stephan. It’s now clear to me what actually happened,” said Stevens from his palatial Berkshire mansion recently. “All of the discussions to date have missed some terribly vital clues. Firstly, looking around the tunnel reveals a small grassy knoll just south-east of the crash site. I believe that this is key to the renewed investigation as new computer modelling has shown clearly that there had to be more than one source of impact.”

“Photos from the original scene reveal two gentlemen holding hands on this grassy knoll. These gentlemen have been positively identified as Osama bin Laden and Saddamn Hussein. Looking at the car again we discovered that the windscreen appears to have been broken before the crash by something WMD-shaped. Despite the size of it, it’s likely that Henri Paul, an experienced driver, would have been able to avoid this. We looked again at his autopsy report and it revealed that not only was he was intoxicated and suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning, he was, in fact, the musician Elvis Presley. Also, I can categorically state that consipiracy theories circulating about a dog in a white Fiat or the alien spacecraft in the tunnel are completely untrue. We interviewed the dog and the alien and they both were deemed to be driving responsibly at the time of the crash.”

“Our goals here have 100% been met,” said Gen. Frank “Franky” McFrankfrank of the 325th Airborne Cavalry Regiment (Segway Division), reporting news of the proposed withdrawal. “Saddam is no longer in control of the country and is enjoying old fashioned US hospitality at an undisclosed location in the region. His sons’ reign of terror has also now ended and we have strong hopes that a democratic government will be installed there by Independence Day. It’s sick that this nepotistical pseudo-monarchy should have been allowed to retain power for so long. In the Land of the Free(tm), that type of behaviour would not be allowed. At home, running the country is about the individual and his ability and suitability for the job in hand, and not just who their daddy is.”

“As for the WMD, I can categorically state that there are no WMD in Iraq. None whatsoever. That’s how successful this mission has been.”

McFrankfrank also commented on the so-called casualties of war: “I would be lying if I said that none of our men have died out here in the field. None of our men have died out here in the field. The vast, vast majority of them have died from purely natural causes, back at barracks. Bleeding, low brain pressure due to bomb proximity and soul failure - every day, natural things that would have killed them whether they were here or fighting a war in Cuba, just for example.”

“Some Iraqis have claimed to be killed but I can reassure you that nothing is further from the truth. Our plan was to help these people, not hurt them. Look around you. None of these corpses or body parts are of dead people. They’ve just fainted from the shock and awe we laid down. The ones that persist with the myth are just out and out liars. And commies.”

McFrankfrank is also quite unequivocal about the recent ‘uprisings’: “The images on tv are biased. These people are partying, that’s what it really is. They’re just breaking out the beers, hotdogs and grenades to celebrate their new found freedom. The people who have claimed to be kidnapped or beheaded are just enjoying the fun and don’t want to go back to their cushy liberal lives and wives back home.”

Likewise, McFrankfrank dismissed the claims of torture of Iraqi prisoners in the hands of the Allied Axis of Goodness and Purity. “Again, those images on CBS are completely biased. CBS stands for Commie Bull Shit. Those weren’t electric shock wires, they were Neilson TV ratings sensors. How can we install a democratic system in this country without knowing what they want to see on TV? And as for the human pyramids, that’s standard US army circus exercises. All troops and prisoners are required to do that to keep fit and healthy. It also includes monocycle training and juggling. You wanna get a load of those towel heads on stilts, it’s freaking hilarious.”

• Yes
• No
• Howard Dean

Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

When our mailhound reporter pressed the matter, suggesting the report was even more embarrasing considering the recent price hikes on first class stamps, he became flustered: “listen, the Post Office has got a lot on its plate you know, what with the CIA needing to intercept so much mail and everything. It’s not surprising that, on occasion, items get delayed, misdelivered or opened up by the boys in the mailroom for a giggle. As it is we offer an excellent service, where our customers can stick a 27 pence stamp on an envelope and feel at least 32% certain it will reach its destination untampered with and in a timely fashion. Christ, have you ever tried to post a letter in India? You people are so fucking spoiled. The Royal Mail is the finest postal service in the world! Woo! Yeah!”

We were apparantly sent written consent to publish the words of Mister Post, but all that arrived was a card saying “Merry Christmas Grandma, let’s make your last 3 months special. please call.”

Forgiveness

Considering Christians hold the act of forgiveness as a central tenant of their self-image (even going as far as to build in forgiveness of trespassers into the Lord’s Prayer), it’s amazing that they can still hold a grudge about the crucifixion of Christ for so long. Al Qaeda stands no chance of being let off the hook any time soon.

As with most religions, Christianity is awash with such wonderful contradictions and outlandish tenants that Christians tend to ignore or staunchly defend depending on the day of the week/prevailing political trends/whether you’ve got an election to win in November or not. For example, encouraging people to covet their neighbour’s house/wife/manservant/digital watch/ox/ass is an essential part of capitalist society and eating pig is forbidden in Leviticus 11 but that hasn’t stopped the pork market in the USA (home to the largest Christian population in the world) being valued over $38billion per year.

What would Jesus eat?

Further inspection of the dietary delights of some sects within Christianity are rather more worrying. While Protestant Communion only symbolically links the consumption of the wafer and wine to God’s begotten son, for Catholics, there is essentially no difference between the physical body of the second-in-command and the manifestation of that body in the scratty bit of rice paper on their tongue. To put it bluntly, Catholics are fucking cannibals.

Cannibalism

Cannibalism is one thing but they won’t leave it at that: before they’re allowed to start on the whole eating Mr Of Nazareth thing, they have to take part in a symbolic drowning from which they arise heavenbent on trying to turn everyone else into one of them. If that doesn’t sound like something from a zombie film, I don’t know what does. Combined this with the fact that they worship someone who actually rose from the dead, we have to face facts: they’re undead brain chompers from beyond the grave. Kill them all!

Not to be confused with:

• Chris Rea, the man, the voice, the guitar.
• Chris Isaak, the San Francisco Heart Shaped Baja Devil
• Cornflakes, the overpriced cereal from breakfast monopolists Kelloggs
• Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, the.. ouch. pain. ouch.

Two 13-year-old students are said to have discovered the outrageous insults to this national icon in their new English language school books. “It was terrible,” exclaimed one of the students (names withheld), “they had changed his surname to Prat, which is a terrible insult in English”. The head of the Chilean education board Septembero Pinochet-Rodrigez said: “To call Arturo Cockweasel a prat is a deep blow to our national pride”.

Conspiracy

The latest conspicuous signs of the conspiracy came on a quiet Friday, the 26th of March. This date is very significant. If digits 2, 6 and 3 (for March) are added together, one obtains the number 11, which obviously signifies that fated day in history, etched on all our souls, September 11th (when, in 1970, Ford released the Pinto). The 26th March will also live in infamy forever more though, because on that very date this year, Peter Andrews (44, of Leicestershire) gave testimony under oath in a court of law.

Peter Andrews

Andrews is convicted of killing his mother (Joan Andrews, 80) by means of a Diazepam overdose before finally decapitating her with what police describe as a ‘DIY’ electric chainsaw. Andrews raised many concerns about the fairness of his trial, which are understandable given the background. Andrews claims that the UK was invaded in 1990 by Germany in what effectively constituted World War III. A secret, silent world war. He goes further to suggest that German satellites can read his thoughts and transmit them to the population at large (which is how we know that he touches himself inappropriately) and that he was part of an underground resistance movement allied with, you guessed it, Sonia.

The main affront to freedom in this trial was the UK judiciary’s insistence on populating the jury with human beings. Humans, of course, can read the defendant’s mind, and are likely to be a part of the worldwide conspiracy against whom Andrews fought. The only way to ensure a fair jury would be to make sure it was composed entirely of (friendly) extra terrestrials. God only knows what Andrews will face now that he has become victim to our corrupt system of law and sanity.

Interview

We ask Sonia directly, what now? What now, for us, and for Andrews? What now for the resistance movement? We contacted Blackburn Sachs Associates (agents for S.O.N.I.A. - Sanity is Overrated Now Is the time for Action).

NWO: What is Sonia’s opinion, generally, on post-mortem decapitation? Is the chainsaw the best tool for the job?
SONIA: Let me first tell you what we are dealing with here. Joan Andrews may have looked like a defenseless old lady to you people and your readership. Of course, nothing is further from the truth. When it is time to feed on human blood and she takes her true form of 12ft Anunaki lizard from the fourth dimension, she will come after YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. There is no question, you decapitate that motherfucker. And a chainsaw is a good tool for the job.

NWO: Does Sonia also believe the Germans have controlled the UK since the start of World War III in 1990?
SONIA: It’s not a matter of believing, let me tell you, it’s FACT. And our resistance movement is growing. It was just a few of us at first, me, Craig [McLachlan] and Shane [Richie]. But support is growing fast. As many people are starting to realise that the German invaders are being controlled by the Anunaki Lizards. Why do you think we wear turquoise shellsuits? For fun?

NWO: Can Sonia describe why extra-terrestrial jury members can not read a human defendant’s mind? What is Sonia’s opinion, generally, on extra-terrestrials appearing in British juries?
SONIA: Humans must be removed from the court room for trials to be fair, that much is known. But when these Lizards are in blood-drinking feeding-frenzy time, nothing is gonna save us, except for guns, guns and chainsaws. Decapitation is the only way to fight them. In the courts, all is already lost.

NWO: Has Sonia ever had personal contact (intimate or otherwise) with either Peter Andrews or his mother Joan (now sadly deceased)?
SONIA: Only psychically.

NWO: What is Sonia’s preferred type (and/or brand) of underwear?
SONIA: For day to day wear, I prefer the standard bodyshape brief: the no-nonsense style meshes well with my personality. But, for those special nights in, I go for something cheeky in pink chiffon preferably something which combines the short and thong look, sexy yet comfortable. As for brand, well, I couldn’t possibly advertise - that could jeopardise any future work with ITV.

NWO: Any last thoughts?
SONIA: Only a psychic message, and two liminal messages: wear turquoise and kill the lizard-men.

Ever on guard against blood drinking Anunaki lizard men of the fourth dimension, the NWO editorial team wholeheartedly agrees with Sonia’s sentiments, and hopes to avert the end of the world - because as bad as this one might be, better the devil you know…

* Sonia’s answers may or may not reflect Sonia’s actual answers.
** Sonia’s answers may or may not reflect gamma radiation.
*** Sonia may or may not have used the word “motherfucker”.

The news comes in a fiscal climate of an ever-weakening dollar, which has recently allowed Ingvar Kamprad (IKEA founder) to overtake Bill as the world’s richest man. Bill’s latest move, seen by some as a kneejerk reaction to this up-and-coming upstart, will see MicroSoft shipping its software in component form and giving the users the tools to assemble it themselves, cutting out vital overheads in the product distribution process.

In future, computer users will be given the source code to the Windows operating system, a pre-built compiler and a selection of Allen keys. The customer will then have to build the operating system before they can begin using the computer. An added complication is that MicroSoft’s licensing system requires that users not look at the source code. To get around this problem the software giant will provide a blindfold and some dummy source code so that users can practice their compiling technique first, perhaps in low-light conditions.

The team of authors say they were subjected to cruel and unusual punishment. “Given the option, we truly would have preferred the usual treatment. Unusual treatment is just too, you know, unusual” said Spork. Daily threats included McDonalds food, Coca-Cola, CNN, re-runs of Friends and viewings of American Pie.

Repeatedly questioned by MI5, FOX news journalists and several trained chimps with rifles, the satirical writers were under extreme pressure to turn each other in. “At one point I almost told them that Susan doesn’t like Hershey bars,” said Edward.

Since their release from Cuba, work on the new issue has been slow as Kev hasn’t dared take off his security goggles and oven gloves and Cal won’t stop humming Bruce Springsteen tunes.

dot-globalworlddomination

War XP is the latest software to test key components of Microsoft’s long standing strategy, dot-globalworlddomination and integrates with the online MS Passport service to offer the highest security of your battle plans. (Microsoft note in the software contract that their definition of security may not be compatible with your own).