News: Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
As OPEC puts on the squeeze and petrol prices rise, the country was shocked to discover that oil, as a non-renewable resource, is in fact, non-renewable. Political leaders have joined the general population in a state of amazement.
Conservative leader Michael Howard put the blame solely in the hands of the Labour government, blaming Blair and his “government’s successive taxes on petrol” for the situation. Howard, speaking from his palacial Folkstone mansion, expressed concern: “one day, the oil will run out then how will people travel from their country homes to their pied á terres? It’ll be a sad day when a man has to leave his two 3ltr Jaguars in the 6-berth garage and take Merc to the city instead.”
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News in Brief: Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
Rt Hon Geoff Hoon MP has joined his cabinet colleagues in supporting the fight against obesity. “The health risks of obesity have long been known,” said Hoon from his palacial Ashfield mansion earlier today, “but the true cause of the problem is only now coming to light: we have strong intelligence reports that Al Qaeda is to blame. They are smuggling obesity-causing apparatus, technically known as Clandestine Adulterated Killing Equipment (CAKE), into the UK which is high in both fat and sugar, and also death. They are then using cells dotted throughout the UK to surreptitiously allow infiltration of this CAKE into the diets of normal healthy people and from there, obesity grows. This is not just a problem for the government, this is a problem for everyone.”
News in Brief: Monday, July 26th, 2004
A press conference on climate change hosted by President Bush went awry recently when he was distracted at a crucial point by a bee, severely limiting his ability to give coherent answers. Ordinarily the President’s armed guard ensure this kind of thing doesn’t happen, however in this instance they were pre-occupied watching the Chevy Case film Caddyshack on a monitor behind the scenes.
“It’s impossible to fight the war on terror when the very air we breathe is full of funny buzzing flying things” Bush said later in a prepared statement. He also declared that bees are agents of Saddam Hussein and possibly his pinky-pals in Al Qaeda. The Whitehouse confirmed that the matter is in hand and that “in future, the location of all press conferences will be throughly machine gunned beforehand to ensure no insect interference”.
News: Sunday, July 25th, 2004
“the public want … a scheme that can provide them with a secure and convenient way of confirming their identity, to protect it from theft, tackle terrorism and organised crime and ensure free public services only go to those entitled to them.” – Davey Blunkett.
The British people realise that something has to be done about the terrorism and organised crime they face every day, whether it be at airports, in public parks or in their very own kitchens. Their free public services are being abused by so many asylum seekers and other non-Christians that even their own politicians are forced to use private health care and send their children to private schools. And without a secure and convenient way of confirming their own identities, many fear the sky will fall and the trains will be late.
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News in Brief: Saturday, July 24th, 2004
As George W Bush turned 48 on 6th July, conspiracy theorists across almost one-fifth of the internet have been noting the shocking interconnectivity of it all. Adding together the numbers in his date of birth (06/07/46), one gets 59. Minus his age, 48, from this and you get 11. as in SEPTEMBER THE ELEVENTH. as in THE DAY THE FORD PINTO WAS INTRODUCED IN 1970, and also Harry Connick Jr’s birthday. Pundits have suggested that all of this was predicted by Nostradamus in his latest book “The Centuries”. “See! I foretold you all so.” said Mr. Damus at a press briefing this week. “I wrote it here, plain as day – ‘In the City of God, there will be much kurfuffle and some smoke.’ You people never learn.”
Nostradamus was seen hurriedly leaving the conference hall in a large metal bird and hasn’t answered our phone calls.
News in Brief: Friday, July 23rd, 2004
In an inprecedented U-turn maneouvre, the British Government has apologised for the concern it has caused with the recent scaremongering over obesity. David Hinchliffe MP, chair of the Common Health Select Committee, felt compelled to retract the Government’s recommendations after the revelation that scientists did not tell them the whole story. “When the advisors first came to us with the statistics of the affect of obesity, we were horrified,” said David from his palacial Wakefield mansion earlier today. “The increased health risks and their implications on society didn’t bear thinking about. Then Tessa Jowell pointed out that it only affects fat people so it isn’t really a problem after all because they’re just a dead weight (and what a weight) around society’s shoulders anyhow.”
News in Brief: Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
The White House has been forced to apologise for misleading the world over Saddam Hussein. The Bush administration repeatedly made claims that Saddam was the devil incarnate, had links with Al Qa’ida, shot JFK, framed Michael Jackson and OJ, caused the US economy to slump causing mass unemployment, invented the vile “New Coke” recipe in the 1980s and has athelete’s foot. After extensive investigation, an independent commission (sponsored by Mysil, the bestselling anti-fungal powder for feet) has found no evidence to back up any of the suggestions made by the White House.
A humbled Dick Cheney read a short prepared statement on the matter: “we had strong reasons to believe the information that we had received regarding Mr Hussein was true. We were not just repeating rumours in a game of Chinese whispers: we had been given the information in both MS Word and Powerpoint form. We thought it was fact but now I have personally washed the extremities in question and I can say, without a doubt, there was no flaking of the skin whatsoever. We’re sorry.”
News: Thursday, July 8th, 2004
Fearing that appearing inaccessible and out-of-touch may lose him voters come November, George Wubbleyoo Bush has announced unprecedented plans to open up his administration to select members of the viewing public.
Intelligence sources close to Bush have reacted with alarm to this move and have demanded that access to the “politics factory” will only be granted to the five lucky voters who find special foil tickets in specific locations. The vouchers, gold in colour, will be hidden inside gay marriage licences, Amnesty International reports and prints of Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 9/11″. Wannabe visitors are recommended to tear up said artefacts in order to see whether a ticket is contained within.
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News in Brief: Saturday, July 3rd, 2004
Mancunian marvel Morrissey met his maker on Monday after having a karmic cardial infarction, caused by decades of healthy living and going to bed early. Morrissey, a lifelong vegetarian and all round stroppy nancy, stammered “look, either those curtains go or I do” then fell facedown on his kitchen floor. During the postmortem, he was found to be clutching a soyburger in one hand and a copy of the Dixie Chick-authored pamphlet “One controversial comment and watch album sales soar!” in the other. The soyburger has been taken in for questioning.
Fellow former Smith Johnny Marr mourned his passing: “we tried to warn him but he was wreckless. You can’t eat muesli for breakfast every day of your life, you just can’t”. His gravestone is to read “I can’t believe that twit Marr outlived me”.
News in Brief: Friday, July 2nd, 2004
President ‘Big Bad Bush’ (as buddies call him) appeared at a press conference recently to address the thorny issues of drug control with top officers in the DEA. Thrilling as it all was for the journalists in attendance, the highlight of their day was most definitely hearing Bush explain away his grazed cheek and slashed wrist. The President recounted tales of alcohol-fuelled physical courage, set in lonely drinking pits in the heartlands of ranch Texas. Journalists were amazed that the usually completely truthful President had the bare faced audacity to construct such apocrypha. It was clear to all that the real story behind the President’s injury had more to do with his recent mountain biking fad.
“The motherfucking topsoil was loose!” said Doctor Turvy McTash later recounting the incident for journalists at his palatial Florida mansion. “But the President didn’t hear me, he was already down by that point. He’d landed in a cactus, but he just picked himself right up and went about his day without issuing a single expletive. His calm Christ-like demeanour made us all feel better about the cunting topsoil that day.”
News in Brief: Thursday, July 1st, 2004
As the war in Iraq goes from bad to worse, the White House has recently announced it is taking radical steps in the hope of bringing an end to the bloody conflict. “Following the highly successful War on Terror ™, we’ve decided to launch a War on War,” said Donald ‘HanoverClub’ Rumsfeld at a recent press conference at his palacial Washington offices. “We will accept nothing less than victory over the enemy, even if we ourselves are the enemy. Admittedly, that does make it difficult.”
Staff Sergeant Frank Emdeekay of the 82nd Sledging Regiment, the appointed commander in chief for the campaign, went on to reveal the strategy: “our involvement now is the only way to solve the problems caused by our earlier involvement. We’re going to move quickly and send in waves and waves of troops to quell the fighting between the Iraqi terrorists and the previously deployed Coalition forces. We shall overthrow the undemocratically installed government and free the country from the tyrannical rule of its oppressors, and by that I mean us.”
News in Brief: Tuesday, May 25th, 2004
Police have been given more time to question several men held over an alleged bomb plot. The men were arrested this week in raids across south-east England, with detectives also seizing half a ton of fertiliser often used as an explosive.
The group of men is believed to be working for infamous south-east fertiliser buyer Giles T. Farmer. In a press conference about the case, a Scotland Yard spokesman said “a close h’examination of Farmer’s accounts reveals this gentleman has purchased several tons of fertiliser over the last few years. ‘E has also purchased large quantities of seeds, corn and a particular type of dairy cow known in the trade as an ‘olstein. We believe this gentleman may be planning to produce terrorist weapons known colloquially as a ‘dirty cow’: ‘e will stuff the cow full of these fertilisers and projectiles and will release it in a crowded metropolitan area. Cor blimey, it could be ghastly.”
News in Brief: Monday, May 24th, 2004
The multi-billionaire steel magnate, Lakshmi Mittal, is to pay 70m pounds for his new home in London making it the most expensive house in the world. The property, a two bedroom flat in East Acton, has been on the market for a little over two months before Mittal put in an offer. Features and fittings of the dwelling include a recently fitted B&Q kitchen, stylish laminate flooring in the living room and a leaky Mira shower.
The house was sold by Formula One racing boss Bernie Eccleston, who bought it for 140,000 pounds three years ago but never lived in it.
News in Brief: Sunday, May 23rd, 2004
There was much panic in Gipton recently after local man Garry fell from a low wall near a Post Office. New World Odour is happy to reveal Garry is doing well. “Things got scary there for a minute, but I was able to take the plaster off my knee this morning and I’m hopeful I can make a full recovery in the next few days,” he said. Good for you Garry.
Know your enemy: Saturday, May 22nd, 2004
In the 7 years since the September 2001 terrorist attack, the mass of evidence that has been collected stands taller than the aftermath rubble.
The FBI alone has received more leads than there are grains of sand in an Arab’s flip-flop. An estimated 85000 Middle Eastern and Muslim immigrant men were examined, 14000 deported, 8000 selected for questioning, 3700 questioned, almost 800 detained of which 68 still remain in custody. Only a handful were charged and only one convicted.
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