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Deaths this month

News: Thursday, May 20th, 2004

blue peter photoRecent summer-like weather in the north of England can be attributed to Jesus’ new sunbeam collection.

Farm-buyers this month include the Guinness Book of Norris McWhirter, the CEO of McDonalds and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Caron Keating

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Idol Idol

News in Brief: Wednesday, May 19th, 2004

Hot on the heels of “Pop Idol” (talentless pretty people singing), “Yacht Idol” (talentless pretty people sailing) and “Poll Idol” (talentless pretty people governing), ITV has recently launched the ultimate “…Idol” show: “Idol Idol”.

In “Idol Idol”, religious deities and icons from around the globe compete to discover who really is The One. Early rounds have been tough and seen the elimination of the Hindu god Ganesh, dismissed by judge Pete Waterman because “trunks haven’t been in fashion since the 1960s and don’t get me started on all the arms – Ganesh is just a rubbish idol”.

God (3-1) and Allah (4-1) are favourites to win. The final will be decided in a phone vote but divine intervention is expected. It is suspected that adjudicators Ant and Dec will be “persuaded” to turn a blind eye to this out-and-out cheating through the promise of water into wine, ascendance of the Jiva to the Divine and 72 beautiful virgins awaiting them in the Green Room.

How Princess Di-ed

News in Brief: Monday, May 17th, 2004

In the wake of the broadcast of photographs of the crash, a startling new theory has come to light regarding the death of Diana, Princess of Wales. Sir John Stevens, the UK’s most serious policeman as the chief of Scotland Yard, travelled to France to re-enact the final, fatal journey taken by Diana and her love-stud, Dodi Al Fayed.

“Over the past seven years, we’ve looked at all the evidence and closely examined the report produced by French judge Herve Stephan. It’s now clear to me what actually happened,” said Stevens from his palatial Berkshire mansion recently. “All of the discussions to date have missed some terribly vital clues. Firstly, looking around the tunnel reveals a small grassy knoll just south-east of the crash site. I believe that this is key to the renewed investigation as new computer modelling has shown clearly that there had to be more than one source of impact.”

“Photos from the original scene reveal two gentlemen holding hands on this grassy knoll. These gentlemen have been positively identified as Osama bin Laden and Saddamn Hussein. Looking at the car again we discovered that the windscreen appears to have been broken before the crash by something WMD-shaped. Despite the size of it, it’s likely that Henri Paul, an experienced driver, would have been able to avoid this. We looked again at his autopsy report and it revealed that not only was he was intoxicated and suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning, he was, in fact, the musician Elvis Presley. Also, I can categorically state that consipiracy theories circulating about a dog in a white Fiat or the alien spacecraft in the tunnel are completely untrue. We interviewed the dog and the alien and they both were deemed to be driving responsibly at the time of the crash.”

Beckham sex, not with wife

News in Brief: Thursday, May 13th, 2004

photo of david beckham anally fucking himselfThe tragically underexposed Beckham(tm) Couple have been having a spot of marital bother recently after David(tm) admitted he regularly engages in group sex romps with himself. “I’m okay unless I get near any reflective surfaces. I mean look at me, you wouldn’t say no would you?” NWO suspects he said. The news came at a convenient time for the couple whose fortunes dwindle for every day they’re not front page tabloid news. “I’m comfortable with the situation,” says Victoria, “after all, not every girl is lucky enough to be married to a man who can lick his own balls.”,

War is Over

News: Tuesday, April 20th, 2004

photo of dead saddamAlmost a year after the end of the Great Iraq War of 2003 (“Another War To End All Wars”), the coalition forces led by the US are planning to withdraw remaining troops from the region.

“Our goals here have 100% been met,” said Gen. Frank “Franky” McFrankfrank of the 325th Airborne Cavalry Regiment (Segway Division), reporting news of the proposed withdrawal. “Saddam is no longer in control of the country and is enjoying old fashioned US hospitality at an undisclosed location in the region. His sons’ reign of terror has also now ended and we have strong hopes that a democratic government will be installed there by Independence Day. It’s sick that this nepotistical pseudo-monarchy should have been allowed to retain power for so long. In the Land of the Free(tm), that type of behaviour would not be allowed. At home, running the country is about the individual and his ability and suitability for the job in hand, and not just who their daddy is.”

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European referendum referendum

News in Brief: Monday, April 19th, 2004

This week’s Postal Poll: Should NWO make fun of the European Referendum?

  • Yes
  • No
  • Howard Dean

Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Fucktards mail tardy

News in Brief: Monday, April 19th, 2004

The UK Post Office (nee, Consignicrap) is in hot water again after a a consumer watchdog reported 14.4 million letters are lost by the “clueless fucktards” every year, 60% of which were simply stuffed through the wrong letterbox. Royal Mail spokesperson Patrick Post agreed to talk to NWO on the condition that he could be barricaded safely behind throttle-proof glass for the duration. “Look, delivering mail is hard, okay? I mean you know some people don’t even have numbers on their doors? My god, what a country!” he panted, somewhat pathetically while stroking his black and white cat.

When our mailhound reporter pressed the matter, suggesting the report was even more embarrasing considering the recent price hikes on first class stamps, he became flustered: “listen, the Post Office has got a lot on its plate you know, what with the CIA needing to intercept so much mail and everything. It’s not surprising that, on occasion, items get delayed, misdelivered or opened up by the boys in the mailroom for a giggle. As it is we offer an excellent service, where our customers can stick a 27 pence stamp on an envelope and feel at least 32% certain it will reach its destination untampered with and in a timely fashion. Christ, have you ever tried to post a letter in India? You people are so fucking spoiled. The Royal Mail is the finest postal service in the world! Woo! Yeah!”

We were apparantly sent written consent to publish the words of Mister Post, but all that arrived was a card saying “Merry Christmas Grandma, let’s make your last 3 months special. please call.”

Government sued by criminals

News in Brief: Saturday, April 10th, 2004

The Home Secretary David Blunkett this week cancelled his appeal for permission to charge prison accommodation costs to all those who have been wrongly convicted. The plan failed due to an influx of expense claims filed against the government by uncaptured criminals. Bernard Fairbrow, of Armley, Leeds, committed an armed robbery of a local video shop in 2002 but was never identified. “The way I sees it, Blunkett owes me 2 years of living costs that I otherwise would have not incurred had I been pinched.” The claims vary from around £3000 per year up to a £50,000 lump sum that one glue sniffer demands based on the fact that his life insurance would have paid out as he most likely would have killed himself in prison.

Know Your Enemy: Christians

Know your enemy: Saturday, April 10th, 2004

Christianity has embraced black people since 1987Kumbyah my Lord, Kumbuy-a-cinema-ticket. Maverick movie maker Mel “Mad Max” Gibson’s new film “The Passion of the Christ” is currently courting controversy and carefully crafted column inches around the globe. The film seemingly provides What Women Want (and men too) from a cinematic story about He who died for our sins. However, Signs are that “Man Without a Face” Mel’s Bounty is not without its detractors. One Conspiracy Theory suggests the film is a Lethal Weapon against Jews and the Jewish faith. Bravehearted Christians, however, believe this is fair Payback for the sentencing and execution of their messiah, carried out 1968 years ago this month.

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Cockweasel Slandered

News in Brief: Friday, April 9th, 2004

A ceremony to honour 19th century naval hero Arturo Cockweasel has been held in Chile this week, after the discovery that 250,000 schoolbooks have been ‘sabotaged’ in order to defame his good name. Cockweasel is a national hero who died trying to take control of a Peruvian ship the “Covadonga”. The Covadonga blocked the Iquique harbour forcing Cockweasel’s ship to run aground.

Two 13-year-old students are said to have discovered the outrageous insults to this national icon in their new English language school books. “It was terrible,” exclaimed one of the students (names withheld), “they had changed his surname to Prat, which is a terrible insult in English”. The head of the Chilean education board Septembero Pinochet-Rodrigez said: “To call Arturo Cockweasel a prat is a deep blow to our national pride”.

Sonia Stalker Slays Mother

News: Monday, April 5th, 2004

Sonia digs Lizard WoganSome say the scouse singer, songwriter, seamstress and stage superstar Sonia has achieved more in 32 years than most people dream of in a lifetime(tm). However, once you discover her real age is 257 it doesn’t seem like much to be proud of. Despite that, the new world odour team can reveal exclusively the shocking details of a murderous conspiracy against whom Sonia is our last best hope.

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Yahoo! Serious Money

News in Brief: Saturday, April 3rd, 2004

Yahoo buys Kelkoo, finds best price on Kelkoo.Internet portal Yahoo! has bought comparison shopping channel Kelkoo for $576million this month. Reports that the site’s name will changed to Yahoo-koo-koo-ka-choo! are as yet unconfirmed.

10,000 songs in your digestive tract

News in Brief: Saturday, April 3rd, 2004

Advanced orders for Apple’s new smaller iPod have rocketed this week in response to the BPI’s “purge on pirates” warning. Consumer tests have shown the new iPod mini, available in a range of candy-colours, is 75% easier to swallow in the event of a BPI raid than the previous “chunky” version. Headphones with an extra-long wire and a pamplet on intestinal exercises can be bought from the Apple website to ease post-ingestion play.

Got the Windows, but not the shutter

News in Brief: Friday, April 2nd, 2004

William Gates III, founder of MicroSoft, has today revealed that he will take the opportunity of his upcoming keynote speech at Sharmans Cross Infant School (Solihull, UK) to talk about a new software distribution initiative to be officially unfurled within the next three months.

The news comes in a fiscal climate of an ever-weakening dollar, which has recently allowed Ingvar Kamprad (IKEA founder) to overtake Bill as the world’s richest man. Bill’s latest move, seen by some as a kneejerk reaction to this up-and-coming upstart, will see MicroSoft shipping its software in component form and giving the users the tools to assemble it themselves, cutting out vital overheads in the product distribution process.

In future, computer users will be given the source code to the Windows operating system, a pre-built compiler and a selection of Allen keys. The customer will then have to build the operating system before they can begin using the computer. An added complication is that MicroSoft’s licensing system requires that users not look at the source code. To get around this problem the software giant will provide a blindfold and some dummy source code so that users can practice their compiling technique first, perhaps in low-light conditions.

NWO authors camp Xray release

Administrivia, News in Brief: Thursday, April 1st, 2004

Release of the much-anticipated third issue of New World Odour was unexpectedly delayed for approximately ten months while the authors were held as terror suspects at Guantanamo Bay.

The team of authors say they were subjected to cruel and unusual punishment. “Given the option, we truly would have preferred the usual treatment. Unusual treatment is just too, you know, unusual” said Spork. Daily threats included McDonalds food, Coca-Cola, CNN, re-runs of Friends and viewings of American Pie.

Repeatedly questioned by MI5, FOX news journalists and several trained chimps with rifles, the satirical writers were under extreme pressure to turn each other in. “At one point I almost told them that Susan doesn’t like Hershey bars,” said Edward.

Since their release from Cuba, work on the new issue has been slow as Kev hasn’t dared take off his security goggles and oven gloves and Cal won’t stop humming Bruce Springsteen tunes.

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